Not a complete loss

The previous posts have probably sounded kind of negative. I am looking at what I need to change and correct, so the focus is on what is wrong.

All of those things are real, but they aren't the complete picture. I was not always sure what to count when calculating my Adverse Childhood Experiences score, but it only came to two, and with the big thing, I was only a year away from 18 when it happened. So really, my childhood and adolescence could have been a lot worse. Most of the people whom I had in mind when I started this have had it much worse.

I want to keep that in perspective. Also, there were some ways in which I became strong through the things that were bad. There were strengths I already had that I didn't lose. There were things that helped me back then, and they weren't even always accidental.

Disassociating from my body was not a good thing to do, but I could do it more comfortably because I had a good mind. I do like that about myself. That is one area where I have always felt confident. Even as the first grader who hadn't been to kindergarten, when I was expected to be slow, I knew that I wouldn't be. I'm not sure how I knew that, but I was able to feel sure of that, and take pleasure in learning things quickly and easily. Even at my lowest points of self-esteem, I wouldn't trade my brains for beauty. I like them too much.

Reading helped for the intellectual development, but the early social rejection may have contributed to me being a reader. I mean, I was pretty into it anyway, but there were periods of my life where I had a lot more time. Reading builds empathy as well, and while pain does not automatically build it, in my case I feel it did. I believe I have more compassion from having been hurt, and I value that. I know I can be unhealthy about putting others first, and I'm working on that, but I don't hate that I am generous and kind.

There were a lot of things that I avoided that I am okay with having avoided. I never did much with clothes or makeup; there had been a general capitulation there a long time ago. I know I am more relaxed about appearance than a lot of women, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I mean, and this won't sound right, that while some people are struggling every day to become attractive (or at least marginally less unattractive) and have their days ruined by the way humidity or lack of sleep or whatever thwarts them, for me it has pretty much been a matter of just staying not attractive, and being at peace with it. Sometimes clothes shopping, especially for a dress-up event, pushes things over the edge to really miserable depths, but it seems that for many of my contemporaries that is more of a constant.

I do not know how to do romantic relationships. I believe this is bad. However, I can see many areas where participating in them would have been dangerous, because I can see where I might have accepted bad treatment and possibly even outright abuse. Maybe it's better that I skipped that until I could get into a better place. That's speculation, but it seems possible.

Somewhere in that combination of having a good mind, and wanting to do things for other people, and not believing that I could rely on anyone, I became pretty competent. I am good at figuring out how to get things done, and making it happen. I enjoy that. I don't know that I would be as resourceful if some of the things that did happen hadn't happened.

That has it's downside, because it also means that I will charge ahead without reading the instructions or fully thinking things through or maybe asking for permission when applicable, but it works out a lot, which doesn't motivate me to change.

Perhaps the real saving grace for me was that in addition to having things I was good at, they were all things that I liked. That made it easier to be me.

Maybe that's the most amazing thing coming out of this. No matter how many messages I heard and believed about what was wrong with me, somehow I still ended up liking me. That's one reason to take better care of this Gina person. She appears to be worth it.