Setting expectations

I sent a firm e-mail to all three of my sisters today.

They have a habit of calling during the day, and asking me how Mom is. There is no good answer for these calls.

Often I could say about normal, which currently means that she doesn't know that she lives here, and at some point she may ask to go home and get mad at me. If you call before that happens it seems good, or after that happens it seems bad, but really it is all kind of the same. Her moods can change suddenly.

One thing that can wreck a mood is feeling disrespected or infantilized. Oddly, being talked about can put her there. Sure, she doesn't hear what they're asking, and I try and give non-specific answers, but that just leads to them asking more questions, and she knows. She has some tendency toward paranoia now anyway, and she knows. So at the end of the phone call she may ask me about it and be mad, or she may not ask me about it but still be mad. No thank you.

I had already said that this was not good, and they should stop doing that, but it didn't really sink in. I started the message this way:

"This is to let everyone know that whenever you ask me how Mom is doing on a phone call, I am going to say 'Bye now' and hang up."

I haven't gotten any pushback from the message yet, but I didn't send it that long ago. (Long day today.) I suspect the real irritation will happen after the first time someone calls and learns I was not kidding.

Part of this journey has been remembering - and often learning the hard way - that I need to take care of myself. which means paying attention to my needs. Part of that is also communicating my needs. My family has their moments when they are better and worse at supporting me, but they have never shown any psychic abilities whatsoever.

Also, sometimes they don't listen the first time. Delivering the message via a different method, and having an enforcement plan, may be necessary.