Tarnished silver linings

This phase of my life has me on edge a lot. I am worse at my compulsive behaviors, like computer games and picking at things. I might lose my temper in a semi-calculated way, like the incident Saturday night. I am trying to focus on things and behaviors that distance me from the edge, but there is one thing that I imagine could make me go off on a person. It's a silly, minor thing, but it will help me get into the next blogging phase, where I will be looking at social and political issues again (did you know there's an election coming?), so we're going to discuss it.

I have in my mind this idea of someone tentatively asking me "Do you think you might be depressed?", and me responding loudly "Of course I'm depressed! What kind of a stupid question is that? How would I not be?"

The weird thing is I state the obvious all the time, at least for humorous effect, but I feel like it would bug me.

The thing is, there doesn't seem to be a point in identifying it. My brain chemistry is functioning normally. I haven't finished the hormone book yet, but they seem pretty normal too. I just have some long-term stressful situations in my life that are bringing me down. I have to manage it on that level.

The post Monday will focus more on defining depression, because there are people who would not consider this to be depression in the absence of a brain chemistry issue, but we'll get there. For now I just want to go over two things that don't help.

I did have a silver lining. A few months ago, Mom started really enjoying her food more. This was gratifying in multiple ways. She was complimenting my cooking a lot, even though I wasn't really doing anything different. Even a decision to have raw baby carrots with the meal - which is not cooking, per se - was greatly appreciated. She thought they were better than candy. I had read that often with the elderly they start having poor appetites and being picky, where you may not be able to get them to eat a balanced diet, so it was a pleasant surprise.

That has ended. It's not just that there are no more exclamations, but there is a resistance to drinking enough and to eating fruits and vegetables. I believe it is because she worries about having to go to the bathroom too much, because she doesn't feel at home. However, shortly after that shift she also started complaining about her stomach gurgling and her not feeling well, and I think it's connected. I have tried talking with her about it, but turning down the fruit or beverage in that moment doesn't feel like a new habit, it feels like that one time. I know that she hasn't eaten her daily apple for several days now, but she doesn't believe it. (She does still eat her daily oatmeal, for which I am grateful.)

I am working on ways of getting around that, but that was a disappointment. It was something that made things harder, and reminded me that there will be more changes, probably not for the better.

The other thing that gets pointed out as fortunate is my unemployment, because I can be here with her. Yes, but it is also a depressing element. I am barely squeaking by on unemployment, and it will not last forever. I feel guilty spending money on anything fun, and those are on pretty minor things. There's not a lot to look forward to.

In addition, to keep the employment going, you have to keep applying for jobs. That also makes sense, because of the whole having money thing, but job searching is demoralizing enough on its own. I keep getting rejection messages, where they went with someone who was better qualified or a better fit, but I would have been a great fit for a lot of them. And if there is some element of relief because I can still be here, there are still feelings of insecurity and worthlessness and fear.

I have been in worse mental states than this, but based on energy, motivation, and ideation, I feel comfortable saying I am depressed. I am also comfortable in feeling that time management, self-care, and stress relief practices are necessary in my case, and that SSRIs and therapy aren't (without ruling out the possibility of them being helpful).

It is possible that I resent my life being in its current state, or just that there is enough other energy being expended that I have a shorter fuse, but I do not think that I would respond to the general question well. And maybe that would be someone pussyfooting around when I only have time to get straight to the point, or maybe it would be if someone thought they were being profound with the really obvious.

It just feels like a sensitive issue.