Head and shoulders

Yesterday I posted that sometimes there are connections that I don't see until later, which of course means that there maybe connections I still don't see.

One reason for this is the level of complexity there can be; different connections exist simultaneously.

For example, I mentioned that my shoulders had been aching badly. There was a fairly clear-cut physical reason, with my rotator cuffs being all tight. The physical act of the massage was very helpful for that.

I went through a few wrong guesses on what it could be, but I never doubted that there was a physical component. It still felt like a symbolic manifestation of how burdened I felt. If I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, of course they would ache.

Somewhere in between that is the likelihood that maybe the reason I had gotten my rotator cuffs all out of sorts was the time I spent hunched at my computer searching for jobs and trying to find leads and how the tension that I was feeling caused me to hold myself. That is not symbolic, and not psychosomatic, but the mind still plays a role.

My posture at the computer is still important. Not spending unproductive time there worrying and fretting is important too. To do that, it helps to not feel like you are responsible for the entire world.

I have gotten somewhat better at that. There are still a lot of worries. I am trying to be better about asking for help on the things that I need, at least where it relates to caring for my mother. There is still a lot that is unknown, and worrisome, but I am not feeling as weighed down, and that is good.

It is not as good as things could possibly be, and I recognize the limitations. One of those wants on the original list was to have flying dreams again. I accept that at this time that is not likely.

There are many ties holding me down, and I can't even want a release from them all. I know what the big release will be, and that will involve a lot of sorrow. Any relief there will be tinged with guilt for feeling it. I suppose at some point I will emerge on this other side where I can be okay with things, but I can't wish for it. I can't even predict how some things will go because I have a mental block around that loss.

My dreams have still evolved. In the past I would often have dreams where I was blocked. There would be locked gates and upside-down staircases and destinations would disappear before I could get there.

Now the places I want to go are just far. I can get there, but it takes longer than I would have wanted. Apparently my subconscious is more optimistic now, even if the length of the route in the dream makes me feel tired just looking at it.

That is still progress.