On a clear day

I may spend an inordinate amount of time going over the things I do and why I do them, like with yesterday's post.

My tendency to over analyze everything isn't new, but it does feel like it comes with higher stakes now. I had a fair amount of stress already, and the world just keeps getting harsher. That combination raises questions: am I on the right track? am I wasting my time? Can I even do this?

That's not new either. Back when I was writing the comic I came to realize that those 400+ pages were primarily about whether I could keep my humanity in a world where a teenage boy is shot for being Black and his shooter goes free, yes due to racism but greatly helped by an organization of corporations writing laws that benefited them and corrupt politicians allowed it. Eventually my answer was affirmative, but I had no idea then how much darker things would get.

I have also kept growing. As I try to wrap up this latest phase, it becomes more clear.

I was going through the spreadsheet items that I haven't blogged about yet (or where I was not sure that I had blogged about them enough), and there has been a lot of progress.

I do believe I can be loved now. I still have doubts about having closer relationships in this life, but that deep inner certainty that there was something inherently wrong with me, and that could only be rejected by anyone else, that's not there anymore. Enough light has shone on it, and it evaporated. That seemed impossible once.

I wanted to be okay with my appearance. I pretty much am, as equivocal as that sounds.

If I remain completely honest, there are things I would like to look different, and I am very aware about how open to criticism my appearance is. At the same time, people criticize appearances that I think are great. Somewhere between the realization that a lot of things that get said are cruelty in search of a target, and the knowledge that physical appearance is ephemeral and inner substance is more important - somewhere in there I can't get too worked up about my looks. I know that shopping for a formal could still throw me into a total relapse, but I believe it would be temporary.

My shoulders don't ache the way they did. It still happens sometimes, and as good as getting the one massage was, that should probably not be a once in a lifetime - or even once every few years-  event. It is nonetheless encouraging to see that something that was a source of great pain has faded, and without a lot of targeted action.

I have worked on specific things - none of this has been effortless - but there were some problems that were identified and then not thought about much. I focused on the areas where I had ideas on what to do, even if it was just writing about them a lot, or reading books that came to mind. That working on some problems led to resolution (or at least amelioration) of other problems reminds me that I am a whole and integrated person. Things connect.

I saw some of those connections early on, and there are some I want to explore tomorrow. There were other connections that I didn't see, and may still not see. Things can still work out.

That progress reinforces that my instincts are sound. That is good, because I suspect I am going to have to rely on them more and more.