I have worked hard to be
more in touch with my body. The good news there is that like some of these
other endeavors, it becomes more natural. Once you make the initial effort,
staying connected becomes fairly natural.
Don't be too impressed; I
am sure that with a little effort in the opposite direction I could undo it. I
was nonetheless pleased to see that it hasn't been something that required
constant vigilance and repeated backsliding. It's nice that some things have
been easier.
What has been harder
lately is staying in touch with my mind. I guess there had to be something.
One of the frustrating
things about listening to my body is how often the message was pain. Hey, this
finger has a twinge. Oh, it's a bad twinge? Did I break it? Or is that just a
sign of pending full-blown arthritis as I age? What do I do now? Doctor, heat,
ice, or ibuprofen? It is better to be aware of it and especially to do
something now rather than three weeks from now. It is also an inconvenience,
but it's one that you accept is better than letting a little problem get
neglected into a big one.
(And yes, it has not yet
been a full year since I left a piece of glass in my foot for three weeks and
let myself in for a big and expensive infection. I guess it ended up being a
lesson.)
I also know pretty well
how the emotional wound you try to ignore only digs deeper and does worse
things to your life. Therefore I have no excuse for trying to put this one off;
I keep hinting at it. I just need to face it.
I am stressed about this
trip. I am already stressed about running out of money and my mother's health
prospects, but the upcoming trip makes it worse. I have been so exhausted with
no identifiable cause, except that I am about to leave on a trip and I have grave
concerns.
I think I am going to
save my specific travel concerns for a different post, because at least with
those there is a framework with a lot of known factors. There are dates and
times and no matter what I worry about that might go wrong, we will probably
arrive home at the currently scheduled time without being too much the worse
for wear.
There are also things
where I know there is no point in trying to deal with them until after I get
back. I will be unavailable for a little over a week; how much sense does it
make to send out certain inquiries and start various processes now?
So that leaves the big
issue of my mother's health, where I know there is pain coming, but not the
details on when and how it will come.
Mom could go on for years
like this, which is not horrible but is a source of worry, and puts some
limitations on what I can do. She could become much more absent, but still be
here. That would hurt a lot, and again, it is not easy to predict the time.
One reason I like the
pictures I took - with her exasperated faces - is that she looks like she is
there. A lot of photos have her unfocused, where she doesn't really seem present.
She is not usually like that now, but it was something that I saw with my aunt
on our last visit; as she kept mentally slipping away. It will be hard to deal
with that.
Mom could also die. No,
there is nothing that makes it seem likely that it would happen soon (one bit
of superstition based on her siblings, but it is just superstition), but that's
something I think about too. And that will really hurt. It would also solve
some issues, but there would be so much guilt in any feelings of relief that it
would not be much relief.
So there is always
something there, but I don't know what it will ultimately be. It could end up
being all of the above over a protracted time period. I believe this is why I
sometimes get teary for no apparent reason, or sometimes there is a sigh that
is kind of gasping - there is always this shadowy form around the corner of
something that is going to hurt.
When I am giving advice
to my siblings, I remind them to dwell in the moment. If she is happy now,
enjoy it. This isn't the time for corrections. For the love of all that is good
and pure why would you bring this topic up now in this relatively serene
moment?
That may make me kind of
a hypocrite. I am good at staying in the moment with her, but for myself my
mind looks ahead and it has a hard time.
Where it becomes so hard
is that I can't resolve it. I think things out and write them out so that I can
know how I feel and what I need to do. Okay, I know how I feel. I know what I
need to do today. That future, though... I can't get any answers there.
Perhaps then the most
important thing about all of this was to get better enough to be able to take
it. Figure out what was false and what was true, find the strength that I need,
and be able to get through this, whatever this ends up being.
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