About two weeks ago I was
writing about some self-evaluation coming out of reading Beauty Sick, and it went pretty well. I was left feeling
mainly good about myself.
You may remember that
even when I had been feeling weak and without many resources, I mentioned being
able to help two people by listening to them. Then I started writing about some
of the things that had previously made it easy to feel badly about myself, then
took some time to talk about racist attitudes and how my own weakness may have
affected someone's ability to come out to me. Now that we're all caught up, I
want to talk about those two people for whom I provided a listening ear.
As it was, one reason
both of them needed to talk to me is that there were others who were not
listening. Not by a total coincidence, both were women being talked over and
down to by men.
I think it was important
for me to write the post about Beyoncé's baby picture not just because I had
been thinking about it, but also because of what was covered on how we need to
interrogate immediate reactions and instinctive attitudes that we are sure are
not racist. We run into the same problems with issues of gender.
"I'm not
sexist!"
Maybe you aren't, but
historically there has been enough sexism enshrined in law and enforced by
tradition that it could have influenced you in ways you will not be conscious
of without careful self-examination.
Remember that Sanders
supporter who kept getting angrier about my support of Clinton, where it was starting to feel like
harassment? Then, when I asked him if he was doing that to any male friends of
his who did not support Sanders, that was a vile accusation of misogyny and he
ended our Facebook friendship.
I swear I did not mean to
accuse him. I knew he had at least one other contact who had disagreed with him
on something, and I was curious if he was pushing everyone in the same way,
because it seemed disproportionate. Personally, I suspect his conscience did
the accusing, which can feel pretty terrible. It would still not be the first
time that a man was not able to accept a woman's rejection of his opinion.
That came up in my second
conversation from that day explicitly. A friend was receiving creepy attention
from one man, which was its own problem. The reason she called me was because
of a different man who just felt so sorry for the creepy one and kept
reiterating that.
If he had only said it
once, that could be a mild irritant and then done, but he just kept going. She
expressed her discomfort with the conversation, and he kept going. He felt so
sorry for the guy; after all, she would be such a prize for him.
That is objectification.
It is more obvious when he uses the word "prize", but the real tell
was his inability to accept her different mind and thoughts. I don't believe he
is consciously thinking "I have to keep going until she admits I am
right" or "Women don't get to disagree with men"; that would be
too crude and obvious. I maintain that the feeling is there underneath. Since
it is buried, we need to poke it and prod it and drag it out into the light.
If anyone reading this
thinks that's an annoying viewpoint, I can see why you think that. I will
further acknowledge that doing the work of rooting out internalized bigotry of
any kind is uncomfortable and unpleasant.
That said, it
really sucks being perceived as an object.
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