When I don't appreciate you commenting, this is why

Not long ago, one of my friends posted a picture of a present her husband gave her. There were several likes, and some positive comments, and one person saying how she would never want jewelry.

I believe it was because anniversary gifts should be something both of them could enjoy (assuming that he could not enjoy her wearing something pretty he had bought). Mainly I just remembered thinking it was a rotten thing to do: this thing that you were happy about is wrong!

I got into another political dust-up on Facebook last week. It wasn't a particularly bad one, but it led to me having some new insights overall.

I opened with the first story because we may not like everyone's status updates, but generally it is expected that Facebook comments will be positive. If there are times when something bothers us and we need to say it, we will generally do that in a private message or a phone call: "Something about that guy you're dating creeps me out." "You're not looking very well; are you okay?"

Unless it's politics.

One of the questions asked in the latest interaction was "Isn't it normal to expect some hate when you post politically?" There is something wrong with humanity if that is normal.

The one complaint that has been bothering me the most - and this was more from the previous interaction - was that by not letting people comment with their disagreement, I am stifling open discussion, as if I don't believe in free speech and everyone has to agree with me or else!

I have in the past viewed this as a flaw with me, like the problem is that because I don't enjoy disagreement, I am the spoilsport. I try to be sensitive to that. If anyone gives a data point, I will research; if I am not sure what they are saying, I will ask a question; and I don't mention not appreciating the comments until there have been multiple interactions and it's not letting up. It never stopped people from being indignant, but I was trying.

I can't say why it clicked differently for me last time, but it did. It is the negative comments that inhibit free speech.

One of the big stories this year has been the harassment leveled by Sanders supporters against women criticizing Sanders or even moderately praising Clinton. I have not been thinking about that as much in terms of Facebook as in terms of Twitter, blogging, and news sites, where it gets much worse. In that realm - depending on your level of exposure - you can get thousands of flaming comments and death threats, where being called a paid shill is one of the milder insults.

Because of this, a lot of women who support Clinton refrain from posting, and that helps contribute to this narrative that even the people voting for Clinton don't like her and they're not enthusiastic about her, but are just cynics upholding the status quo.

I'm not saying it is always deliberate. Let me go back to last month. The other person - not the one I was close to - after the main argument kept coming back, escalating past commenting on my posts to tagging me in anti-Clinton memes. It felt overly intense, and I asked if he was doing this to every Clinton supporter he was friends with, especially if he was doing it to any male friends. (From some other threads, there would have been some other people he could have targeted.) Instead of answering, he was very angry at the vile accusation of misogyny and eventually deleted me as a friend, telling me that I wasn't worth it (which I had been trying to tell him).

I had not meant it as an accusation; I really wanted to know. I don't think he is a misogynist, or even that he is consciously sexist. However, teachers who call on boys twice as much as girls say that they call on them equally, and men who interrupt women in meetings and credit their ideas to other men say they don't do it, but then there's video evidence.

There is enough prejudice built and reinforced into the structure that it is easier to fall into those patterns than not, unless you consciously resist it. That structure allows a fair amount of policing of minorities. It's not a coincidence that it is primarily women who are being punished for their posts.

I have known that, and that is why I have consciously continued to post. I keep doing it because I don't want to give into intimidation, I don't want that to be a winning strategy, and I do it because there are people who feel like they can't. I don't blame anyone for deciding it's not worth - I have been very open about not enjoying it - but I can take it.

Making that choice means that I may be targeted by anonymous internet trolls. I have a low profile, so that helps a lot, but it's a possibility and I accept that.

I don't accept that objecting to it on Facebook makes me a tyrant. These are people that I like, and am glad to see. These are people that I pray for when they ask for it, and also sometimes when they don't if I don't know another way to help. These are people I have shared school or jobs or church with. Maybe we didn't even know each other well then, but I am getting to know them better now, and there are a lot of really great ones.

I do not have to expect a little hate there.

I am still not going to un-friend anyone over this. (Honestly, if they really can't handle it, they tend to un-friend me.) I suspect I will still engage at least four times before protesting, though I might phrase the protest differently. But, yeah, I've figured out the freedom of speech issue, and I am not the problem here.

That being said, I do want to point out that if your movement is capitalizing on the marginalization of others to enforce its message, that is the opposite of revolutionary. I mean, that's what Trump does.