No more drama!

It took me a long time to figure out why I quit drama so angrily. I knew my stated reasons, and they at least approached the real issue, but they were missing the deeper point.

I should go back to my first time on stage: Fiddler on the Roof when I was in 5th grade. I was a villager with a one-line solo on "Anatevka". I auditioned for Hodel.

Before auditions, we watched the movie in music, but it took several days. After the first day I wanted to be Tzeitel, but then after the second day I definitely wanted to be Hodel, and kind of Chava after the third day, but still mainly Hodel. The bookish aspects of Chava's personality felt familiar, but Hodel was spunkier, and she got to dance with Starsky.

I was worried about nailing her solo, but we didn't even include it in our play. I got "Villager". 

For unnamed characters, there were only three speaking parts. It probably was pretty good getting that, but I didn't really think of it at the time.

I very much wanted to be the ingenue with the love interest. I've always wanted romance. Part of the draw of acting for me was the chance to play at romance, not that school plays really play that up in the lower grades.

I have also always been drawn to entertaining other people, so when I write or do comedy or things like that, it gets there, but there was not the strong romantic association.

In junior high, before my split, I played the Three of Spades in Alice in Wonderland. It was not a great role; another case of slightly more to do than the chorus. I had been okay with that, but one day I just got fed up with it. 

That day happened somewhere not long after one afternoon of mockery and harassment that told me that I was romantically a joke and always would be. Really it was probably only 45 minutes for lunch, and a minute or so behind the school. It just felt longer.

In my head, I left drama because I was never going to get a good part, which meant a lead part, because I was not cute and I couldn't sing. 

That was not fair. I mean, I may not have been a great actress, but people got to try a lot of different things, and roles went to all kinds of people. I saw that happen. I also now see actors putting a lot of thought and nuance into small parts and it makes a difference. 

My reasons for leaving felt very diva-ish and was a little embarrassing, in retrospect.

Also, if I believed not being able to sing was a problem, starting a band where I was going to be the singer was foolish and that was my next move. (Ability to play instruments ended up being more of an issue.) Of course, lead parts in musicals were generally soprano, and I was not that, but there were things I could have done.

Later I told myself that the real issue was that drama would not have kept me busy enough, which again sounded reasonable, but was not really it.

I think I understand it now, and that is because of two nagging thoughts that I remembered for a long time before I could derive any meaning from them.

One was learning improvisation in class. I was a trucker hitting on a waitress (played by Will, so gender reversal). The teacher kept switching people in and out, so the hitting on was started before I was the trucker, but Will was turning down the come-on. I needed to move on, but I couldn't. I could not take another rejection, even though I was not supposed to be me in that moment. 

Of course it wasn't rejection that had gotten me there; it was pretended acceptance, but it messed me up, and I did not have any playfulness or ability to let go of ego, or any of the things that I needed to enjoy drama any more. 

I dropped Drama Club and joined the yearbook staff, and I dropped Drama class from my schedule and took Beginning Guitar. I couldn't accurately assess myself there either.

The way I understand it now is that losing my hopes of future romance was bad enough, but not even getting the chance to emulate it, with reminders of why I was not good enough to emulate or have it... it just hurt too much.  I had all of this undirected anger and needed a place to bury it, but drama would not work for that. I was spinning for a while.

It was not fair. Our drama teacher and director Mr. Smith was a really good teacher, and I learned a lot from him. Even if it could have been appropriate for him to diagnose my shattered self-image and fix it, I do not think it would have been possible.

That's because of the other nagging memory. That's next.