Friday was my last day at work.
Regular readers may not be surprised, given some of the things I have said about my work situation. However, you could also be surprised knowing that money is tight and some of the tolls that other times of unemployment have taken on me.
I'll tell you how it happened.
I have been waiting since the new year for the volume to go down, but it was not. Neither was the frustration.
I had been fighting this urge to walk away. That was probably more true since around my birthday.
I had taken a sick day on a Thursday, then worked Friday, had a three-day weekend due to President's Day, worked Tuesday, and then had my birthday off. It wasn't a full vacation, but those days where I was not working felt so beautiful.
Ahead of me was a stretch with no holidays until Memorial Day. The frustration was growing. I was tired and stressed and unhappy; and not "sick" but not well.
On February 5th I checked the calendar and saw that no one had the next two days off. I requested them as mental health days. I had been planning on saving my time off for an actual vacation, but I needed to not break down before then.
One of the last things I did Monday was call a member who had been having issues due to a formulary change. I had been trying to help her and if I was going to be out I wanted to update her. She was not happy and I could not blame her.
I felt okay for those two days, but I was not exactly recharged.
Thursday I had e-mail about the one incident, saying that I had needed to cancel this request and I missed the deadline for doing it, and had refused to do so.
It was not exactly a scolding; just a reminder of the rules. I had in fact been refusing to pull the request because I was waiting for something that would work for the member. The alternative they had mentioned had not gone through. I know I was saying that, but we were speaking at cross purposes.
All the bad feelings were back, but I needed to respond to that. I needed to point out the ways in which we were not getting enough support to do right by our members and to maintain sanity and keep our heads above water.
I did not see any way I could say what I needed to say and stay working there.
I didn't see any way I could stay working there.
I didn't write anything that day. I prayed, but I didn't respond.
I didn't start writing until late in the day Friday. I meant to send it sooner, but then when I was writing calls came in and the work day had actually ended when I got off the last call.
I wasn't sure if they would take the two week's notice. Usually once someone is gone we find out after they are gone. In retrospect I think that means most people are not giving notice. That impulse I kept resisting may have been more irresistible for them.
I did get an announcement while I was still there, and some people reached out.
Honestly, everyone has been pretty good.
I do understand that they are swamped, across positions and departments. The lead time for appeals went from 45 days to 120 days. That is a serious problem.
In the end, though, I can't make it my problem.
I was feeling like "I can't do this", but I can do it. I do it pretty well. Doing so was grinding me down, physically and emotionally. I can't do it with quality of life.
I know there is privilege in walking away. There are other people who are working jobs that are bad for them that can't quit. That's not a reason for me to say.
And there is still risk. I am deeply aware of that.
I had this list of things that I wanted to do, jobs and programs to apply for and things like that, but I wasn't getting anywhere because I was too tired and busy.
Well, now I have the time. The steady income is gone, but I think we are good through May.
That's some time.
I'll be praying more.
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