Dealing with ambiguity

I recently finished The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change.

Well, I finished my first read through last month, but then I wanted to go through it more slowly and with a lot of journal writing. I have read some of the chapters three times now.

I found out that this book existed when I was reviewing books about dementia and saw that Pauline Boss had a new one that dealt specifically with the pandemic.

I have to admit that The Myth of Closure is not Boss' best work, mainly because it feels kind of hurried. 

I can't blame her for this. She was retired and caring for her ailing husband. Then between the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and the murder of George Floyd and ensuing protests, plus the January 6th insurrection, suddenly she was gaining new understanding of her life's work and realizing it was something much bigger. She was also older and more aware of death, where there may have been concerns about being able to finish.

I still found a lot of food for thought, then more as I went back over it more slowly.

It is not unusual to struggle with ambiguity. Remember Fiddler on the Roof? Part of the beauty of tradition was that everyone knew what was expected of them, but what if you don't like the expectations? Sure, that means what if you can't bear to marry someone other than the poor tailor, but also, what if being properly deferential to the Russians doesn't stop them from destroying your property and injuring you?

Can the traditions even withstand being uprooted with everyone heading off to other places?

In the mid-90's I worked with someone who was studying psychology. 

At the time, "dysfunctional families" was kind of a buzz phrase, but she said that people were using it wrong. It didn't mean a "bad" family, but one where the members did not know what was expected of them and did not know how to fit into their roles.

It is possible to have roles and rules that you hate. 

Ambiguity means there is also a chance to change. 

Change is hard, especially when you are trying to change a whole structure, and when others disagree on the necessary changes and don't cooperate. 

There is still an opportunity to make things better. 

Giving meaning to ambiguous loss may mean redefining ourselves and what our relationships look like and what our acceptable results look like, but there is hope in it too.