Resolved

Maria is always looking for special events or days that she can incorporate into her lesson plans, and she saw somewhere that January 17th is Break your Resolutions day. That stuck with me because that’s my birthday. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do for resolutions this year, so I was taking my time deciding and I figured they could start on my birthday. So, I guess I will start while everyone else is breaking theirs.

As we know, the only one that stuck last year was the monthly picture, and I think it served its purpose. I don’t feel a need to do it again, though I will try and stick with an attitude of not avoiding pictures, and if I find that slipping, maybe I will start again.

For the one on writing one screenplay per month, well, yes, I did it once, but that one was absolutely ready to go. The ideas had been swirling around for a while, and then when Josh died it just crystallized everything, and I was completely ready to go. So I can write a screenplay in a month, but there needs to be prep time as well. Some things only get resolved as you write them, but (at least for me) there is a certain amount of thought that needs to go into it before you start writing. It’s not just to know the plot twists and turns, but also the tone. Like I think the next project will be Pen Pals, and that is basically a comedy, and the main plot and obstacles are romantic, but is it romcom, or farce, or dark humor? Some of the things I want to write need more research, like knowing more background information about the Great Depression, or about Alzheimer’s (no, not for the same things). So, it’s not exactly a realistic goal, though one every two months might be. I anticipate writing more about writing many times.

I probably should recycle the other two—keeping my thoughts pure and not playing with my hair.

In other ways, having resolutions seems kind of beside the point. I have largely switched to a project-based operating model. Back over those months when I was not blogging, I was doing journal writing exploring different options for my life, and the three main areas that I see as needing improvement. I was looking for clarity and I think I have it, but in the process of that I found smaller things I wanted to get done.

I have also found that I cannot function without making lists, and checking things off. Sure, I remember each thing at odd moments when there is nothing I can do about it, but that’s not really helpful. So, I have notebook pages filled with things to do, and then whenever I have some time, I can look over it and find something to work on.

I have been accomplishing more, which I like. At other times, I feel frustrated with how much more there is that is undone. Is it a paradox—the more you do the more you have to do? It feels a little unfair, and yet, I do want to be doing many things. I don’t really want to be lazy, no matter how fascinating television can be.

So that’s where I’m at. I wanted to finish the original checklist before the end of the year, and then before my birthday, neither of which happened, but some things are done, and others will follow.

I intend to get back into sort of a weekly blogging schedule, where I write one regular blog post and one travel blog post per week. (The preparedness blog will still just be an update of the monthly newsletter, unless good bonus material comes up.) The regular blog will go over my main area of focus, the two areas that I am not focusing on now, things that can’t fall to the side regardless of my main focus, and different checklist items, done or not done. I don’t know what order they will go in though, and by the time I am done with them, we could be getting pretty close to 2011.

Anyway, happy New Year. It is one for me.

I’ve always had such a crush on you

One thing that never ceases to amaze me about men is that they do not realize that women talk to each other. We love to share, and hey, if we talk to each other, it can get you off the hook for some listening. The downside is that if you are a bad boy, it gets found out. More likely, if you are lame, that gets found out too. If you cast a wide net, where none of the various women in your life know each other, it buys you time, but it is just something to be aware of.

I mention this because there is a guy I went to school with who has been working his way through the class, telling each one, “I always had such a crush on you. I thought you were so cute.” I can’t remember if the count is at seven or nine girls now who have heard it. Sometimes they hear about it in conjunction with what a jerk I am. The last time it came up, I didn’t even get confirmation, because the girl was kind of sounding me out sneakily, and I suddenly realized she was trying to determine if the reason for the rift between us was thwarted love. (No.) I suddenly realized I was tired, and did not want to go down that road, and so I alluded to the crush/cute thing, and suddenly the conversation stalled.

Anyway, the point of this is not that someone needs a new pickup line (although that would be true), but because my mind churns on things and my thoughts follow strange paths, I have thought about that line.

For one thing, it is not impossible that he truly had crushes on each of those girls and thought they were cute. Sure, the repetitiveness (and apparently the presence of a girlfriend) makes it seem insincere, but it is possible to like a lot of different people when you are young. I seem to remember once making a list (while in junior high) of boys whom I found attractive in some way, and I think I came up with forty-eight. I should have looked around for another two to just make it an even fifty, but I don’t remember doing so.

Of course, there were different levels of attraction. Some were just good-looking, but it didn’t matter. Sometimes it was just exciting to talk to them, and nice being around them, but there were others that you would think about a lot, and maybe even find lame reason to call, or ride your bike by their house. Actually, I recently learned that my 7th-8th grade crush and my 9th grade crush were neighbors. That should have been so convenient, but I didn’t even know! Had I just outgrown that by 9th grade? I remember accompanying Danielle on a walk-by in 10th grade, but maybe I was just accommodating her. I mean, I didn’t have to do walk-bys with Mike anyway, because I would just go hang out with him platonically.

The thing that I really wonder about, though, is whether anyone had a crush on me. Certainly at the time I thought it was impossible, but my views were messed up. Looking back, I can see times when maybe there was something there. For example, one time I was wearing a rather flattering sweater, and I got a “Whoa” out of Gary, and I enjoyed that, but it never went anywhere. Kyle agreed to meet up with me at the 9th grade prom, but then Dave got grounded, and Kyle didn’t want to go anymore. He did tell me beforehand, and neither of them did show up at all, because Ann and I were there, and we would have noticed, so it could have been worse, but it’s not exactly a case of someone being excited to be with you either.

(And that Chris guy totally wanted to sleep with, well, anyone, but he tried with me. Slimy horny boys don’t build as much confidence as you would think.)

Mainly what I worry about was that I missed opportunities that I could have had. I believed that boys did not and would not like me, and boys never asked me out, which seemed to corroborate my fears, but because I was always so careful to cast myself as platonic, I never really encouraged anyone. What if I thought I needed to be don’t-be-scared-of-this-gross-girl-liking-you-she-is-totally-harmless, but what I really needed to be was flirt-a-little-he-likes-you-but-he-is-scared?

It’s largely a moot point, because I can’t go back and change anything, and all I can really do is try and be wiser now. However, a big part of my being wiser now is understanding how I was foolish before. This is why in journals, and then in blog posts, I have gone over my entire romantic history (in all it’s one-sidedness), and all of the events and experiences that developed the hang-ups that figure so prominently in my life, and all of the regrets that I have from my romantic life.

So I believe that understanding the past, and trying to get to the truth of it is important, and my knowledge of this area is a big blank. I didn’t think any boys were ever attracted to me, but I don’t know and I don’t know how to know.

I thought about setting my Facebook status to ask for input on that, but there are a few problems with doing so. It’s not really an effective way of reaching people. Some will see it, some won’t, and I will only know that someone has seen it if they answer. Certainly if people took the time to answer “no”, it would sting a bit, and be pretty unnecessary, because that was my assumption anyway. It’s probably more likely that I would hear nothing, and that would feel a little crushing too, even thought it might not mean that much. So, getting good data would be challenging.

On the other hand, asking the question and finding out the answer scares me, which right there seems to be an argument in favor of doing it. I should face fears. I just want to be productive when I do it, and I’m not sure that I could be for this.

Sure, it might be nice to focus more on current attraction, and I will write about that more in the future, but for now all of the guys that I think I could reconnect with or flirt with have a way of suddenly entering new relationships. Good for them, I guess, and it at least settles the question of whether, when you kind of like two brothers, you need to choose right away or can wait until you assess their interest in you, because really I was not sure. Still, it’s a little disappointing.

I guess all I can really say is that I would be interested in learning of any confirmed or suspected attraction to me at any point in the past or, heck, even now. How’s that for commitment?

Giving thanks

I know, it’s feast or famine with me. Well, I wanted to get some things out of the way, because while I was doing journal writing I had things I wanted to blog about, and there is a whole new round of blogging that I want to start, but I am playing catch-up first. This particular post actually goes back to November.

Lately there have been a lot of status update memes going around Facebook, to the point where I won’t do any of them anymore, and it has nothing to do with whether I care or not—they’re starting to feel like those e-mail messages that promise good luck or bad luck based on whether you forward. (I always break the chain. Always.) Anyway, before it got so out of hand, some people had started posting something that they were thankful for every day through Thanksgiving. I thought that was a great idea. It’s still very individualized, and gratitude is important.

When I say that I know gratitude is important, it is not just that it is appropriate to be thankful for blessings, knowing that there are many blessings, but also that it improves your outlook. (For more on that, see http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2009/03/october-2008-three-keys-to-happiness.html.)

That being said, I was still just amazed by how positive an experience it was. I can’t even say that I was more on the lookout for blessings that usual, because just hearing about the idea gave me lots of ideas for posts, and I never had to struggle to find something to post. In general, I think I am pretty aware of blessings. Maybe it was expressing things publicly that made the difference. I only know that I felt good doing it, and seeing other people’s posts on their own gratitude.

As the holiday approached, I ran out of days, so I did one final, long post with everything else, and it felt wonderful to be so blessed. It wasn’t enough, actually, so I went through my friends and pages and just posted different things. I couldn’t do it for everyone of course, but there ended up being about fifty different postings, thanking people for things they had done for me, or things we experienced together, and even thanking those who have served in the military or in the police for what they do.

Not all of the posts were serious—I thanked George Clooney for just being him, and I know he will not see that—but still, it lifted my heart. I felt practically exultant with gratitude. Those words don’t seem like they should go together, but I am not sure how to describe it. My heart was bursting with a hymn of praise.

Even then, that was not everything, because afterwards many of the people that I wrote to wrote back, and some of the posts were really touching, so I felt thankful some more.

Gratitude is a beautiful thing, and anyone can do it. It’s not that I don’t have problems in my life—actually I have quite a few. One of my posts was that I was grateful that my diabetes was under control and that I haven’t had a cellulitis outbreak for a while, even though I have been sick a few times, which is usually what triggers it. Well, that means that I have diabetes, and with it I have a compromised immune system, so the opportunistic infection that I picked up years ago can flare up at any time. That is not great.

And yet still, somehow, it has stayed dormant for a while, even though there were some really good opportunities, and that is because my blood sugar is behaving fairly well, and that is because after many doctors and experiments with different combinations, we did find a regime that works pretty well. Also, we did that experimenting while I was employed and insured, and even thought it was expensive then because it was not good insurance, it was better to do it then than it would be now where I am uninsured. And I am really grateful that there was a brief time when I had good insurance, and that when everything first came up, involving a hospital stay, IV antibiotics, and follow-up appointments and classes on learning to live with diabetes, it was when I had the good insurance and everything was covered.

There are horrible, horrible things in the world, and they hit everyone, but the world is also filled with beauty, friendship, and grace. Gratitude is really a choice to remember the good, and it changes everything.

Things more offensive than Harry Reid

I don’t actually consider Harry Reid to be all that offensive. Maybe I’m soft on him because it’s hard to find good LDS democrats, but I think I would be okay with his comment anyway. Sure, there was controversy, and I thought about writing on that, but I was busy, and plenty of other, more prominent people are defending him, so my voice wasn’t necessarily needed. But other stuff has come up that just bothers me so much more; so let’s just go for it.

First of all, on the comment itself, he’s not even saying that these are factors in how he would vote! He is assessing Obama’s odds of winning (accurately), which is a reasonable thing to do. With any candidate, even if they would be great at the job, they need to be able to get it. (What’s really horrible is when you have people who are bad at governing but good at getting elected. I’m still scarred.) There are really just two trouble spots.

One is Reid’s use of the word Negro, which has fallen out of common usage, but there is no reason for it to be offensive, unless we consider being Negro itself to be a bad thing. I think leads to the second issue, which is our great discomfort with talking about race. Reid admits that light skin and clean diction makes Obama more palatable to many voters. He doesn’t say that it should, or that it’s right, but that’s the way it is. It makes people uncomfortable to hear it stated so plainly.

I remember once in junior high trying to explain who a certain person was to another person. It was hard to do, more so because I was reluctant to state that he was black. I finally did give in and say it, and that cleared the issue up right away, because this was the suburbs in the 80’s. There were like six African Americans in the entire school, and that was spread out over my entire three years—so at any given time I think there were fewer. Mentioning the color really narrowed it down.

So why didn’t I go there right away? Well, it felt wrong to do so, like mentioning skin color at all would be racist. Well that’s ridiculous. Knowing that people come in different colors isn’t racist—defining their inside by the outside, on the other hand, would be.

We have made some progress since then, but I still think in large part we don’t know how to communicate effectively about race. Some people are too sensitive and easily offended, while others are too nervous, and worried about offending. The problem is that the idiots usually feel completely comfortable spewing their idiocy, so those whose hearts are in the right place are going to need to get their spine in the right place as well.

Now, there is actually an interesting topic in here about how loaded any types of physical description can become, and maybe I will get to that some other day, but this post is about airing my grievances.

First of all, I would like to express my disappointment in Michael Steele. Some of your other recent comments had led me to believe you were moving away from the rancorous partisanship and moving the party into a more enlightened (while still conservative) direction. Remember, I would like to see a republican that I could get behind. Alas, it is clearly not to be.

For all others attacking Harry Reid, you’re going to have to do better than the comparisons to Trent Lott. First of all, their records on racial issues are completely different. When your record shows you as having been against the Voting Rights Act, the Civil Rights Act, and the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, it’s going to be harder for people to give you the benefit of the doubt, and that skepticism is justified.

Secondly, let’s look at the quote. On the one hand, we have Reid speculating on how racial issues will affect voters. On the other, we have Lott saying that all of the problems we have now are because the Dixiecrats, who were running on a platform of segregation, did not win in 1948, and that he was proud of having voted for him. Yeah, that’s totally all just a double standard for liberals.

And actually, I have given Lott the benefit of the doubt on this one. After all, he said “we voted for [Thurmond]. We’re proud of it.” However, in 1948 he was seven years old. He was speaking collectively, and I don’t doubt for one minute that he remembers his parents muttering about the country going to the dogs since Thurmond lost, and of course you want to say nice things about someone on their 100th birthday. I don’t think he realized he was saying that all of the nation’s problems come from integration. It is nonetheless a really bad thing to say. Sure, there are still people who believe in it, but they do not belong on Capitol Hill.

Anyway, I can’t feel too much sympathy for him. Yes, he lost his position as Republican leader, but he still served an additional five years, and he could have served longer if he had not wanted to get out in time to avoid rules that would have made him delay starting his lobbying career. That after a gaffe like that he can even be thought of as a political consultant is really kind of a success story.

If feelings are split along party lines for Lott and Reid, it looks like there is a lot more unity against Pat Robertson. Wow, Pat.

When I first read his comments, I thought, “That is amazingly ignorant.” Still, I wondered where he pulled it from, and found this:

http://withintheblackcommunity.blogspot.com/2010/01/haiti-and-deal-with-devil-setting.html

It’s fairly well explained there, but not following the worship practices of people who seem evil to you is a far cry from making a pact with the devil. Calling on God, and believing He is good and can help you, is just not a satanic ritual.

Okay, now, I do believe that as the world gets more wicked, more disasters will occur, and that these should be seen as calls to repent, so I can kind of see a point there. I also have said a few times that I think when all is revealed, we will be amazed at how much human actions led to human suffering (beyond the obvious ways), so, I am not saying I cannot see any point at all in his comments, and I guess that Robertson wants people to pray for Haiti, and that he wants good things to happen to them, is nice. And yet somehow, he still angers me. Hmmm.

I think it could be a combination of things. One, he got the story way wrong. He has a large audience, presumably he has some kind of a research staff for his show (I don’t know, maybe he answers medical and financial questions off the top of his head), and it shouldn’t be so hard to get the story straight. So what he said was not true.

Also, even if the story was true, and Haitians of over two hundred years ago did make a pact with Satan, what would be the point of repeating that story? None of the original people are there. It wouldn’t strengthen aid efforts in any way—it could turn some people off. Ultimately, it is not necessary.

Furthermore, God causes the rain to fall on the just and unjust. There is wickedness, but there are good people caught up with it, and innocent children and animals, and even bad people can have kindness in them, and something like this should generate compassion on them, and this feels very much like kicking people when they are down. So it is not kind.

Not true, not necessary, not kind—well, that would be enough to make some people shut up. But not everyone.

So the next target of my pique is probably not as serious as these two, but I’m on a roll:

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?pageId=97977

I know, I have already expressed my beliefs that if you teach your children well about God, and help them build a personal relationship with him, then you do not need every single aspect of their lives to reinforce that, so that if the Brownie meeting does not begin and end with prayer, that can be okay. Not everyone thinks so, fine. But really, you shouldn’t be buying Girl Scout cookies because you’re supporting the girls learning yoga? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch? (Which, since stretching is a part of yoga, gives it a sinister turn.)

Okay, of the examples of female role models given, there are a lot of lesbians, and I can see where that might cause some discomfort, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there are a lot of role models that did not get mentioned in this article because they were not offensive enough. Also, what’s wrong with pacifists and feminists? Yes, I believe that sometimes war is necessary, and feminism can turn into ugly misanthropy, but peace and equality for women are both good things.

To be fair, I saw this link because it was posted by my sister’s co-worker, who is a rather conservative Christian, and they do like their women submissive and in the home, so teaching them to demand equal pay is counterproductive to the end goal. I somehow hope his daughter will find many Girl Scout friends who will teach her to be assertive without being evil, and if part of that involves yoga, well, I don’t like it myself, but I know other people who do and they have managed to remain good people (and heterosexual too!).

I know, I may not have a right to any opinions, because I am childless (also a woman, so, you know, opinions bad), but I have friends with children, and they have had good experiences with both Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts, so I would try either. Also, I find the 1 out of 3 statistic highly suspect. So now because some idiots are slagging on Jane Addams, I need to go buy Girl Scout cookies, is how that is playing out.

Anyhow, I would just like to make an impassioned plea for thought—thinking things through, being thoughtful of others, and thinking before you speak. And don’t forget that research is an important part of thought. Like imagine poor Dick Cheney, saying Obama is in denial about war, and then after that seeing his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize, where Obama addresses the contradiction inherent in receiving that prize while conducting and escalating a war. Can you imagine how embarrassed Cheney must feel? That kind of thing could stick you with a permanent grimace—okay, bad example, but yeah, something bad as a result of feeling terrible.

Notes on the Rose Bowl

I guess the first point to make is that I am not a sports fan—I am a Duck fan. I like playing sports, though I liked it more when I was younger, and I can get into about any game, but I don’t feel compelled to watch unless it is the Ducks. Once upon a time I loved the Blazers, but Paul Allen and Bob Whitsitt blew it, and even though I know they have come a long way from being the Jail Blazers, I don’t think that love I once had will ever come back.

With the Ducks, it’s different. I don’t know that everyone is that way about their school, and I know there are people who are way more passionate about it than I am, but I always want the Ducks to win, and I always care. In actuality, if they win or lose it has nothing to do with me, but I don’t feel disconnected. I guess if you are a fan you get it.

My point in laying this out is that I am not necessarily unbiased as I share my thoughts on the LeGarrette Blount issue. It seems to have died down now, but a lot of nasty things were said about Blount and Coach Kelly, and the U of O sports faculty, and that’s where I want to go.

People calling Blount a thug, well, that’s not that surprising. Even knowing that there is more to him as a person, that was thuggish behavior, and he brought that one on himself. It’s more what happened after that bothered me.

Coach Kelly initially said Blount was permanently done. Some people agreed, some disagreed, but he did eventually change his mind. This is where it started getting nasty, as people became so sure that he was only reinstated because of the Stanford loss, and only put into the Civil War game after the Ducks fell behind, and that it is all about money.

I can’t say with any certainty that none of this is true, but I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and here is why.

First of all, one loss and falling behind do not necessarily show that the Ducks need Blount. They played better after his suspension than they did in that first game, and while he could have played in the Arizona State game, he did not. He lost his place to LaMichael James, and apparently Blount has been nothing but supportive of James.

Would the Ducks have won the Civil War without Blount? I don’t know. He played well, but so did the rest of the team. Actually, it looks to me like his coming in energized the rest of the team—that maybe it meant a lot to the entire team to have their brother back. That would make sense. Michael Jordan-era Bulls aside, I think the best teams often have an esprit de corps where they do care about each other, and want success for each other, and in a case like that the reinstatement of the one player feels good and is inspiring for all of them, not just the one.

What it looks like to me is that Coach Kelly knew, and rightly so, that he could not have a thug on the team, so he said the suspension was permanent, but because Blount was making appropriate steps to make up for the incident and become better as a person and a player, it made the permanent suspension feel like a mistake. Well, it was his first game as head coach—a mistake is certainly possible, and if it is a mistake it is one that shows his head was in the right place. I think the reinstatement also shows that his heart is in the right place.

I believe if Blount had stayed angry and ready for violence, he would still be benched. He might still make the NFL draft, or have a chance of a walk-on, but that the Ducks would have been done with him. And for that, some people are still mad, but I’m glad that he wasn’t thrown away.

There was another player a few years ago who had been involved in a very serious fight (not on the field). He got his charges reduced and he got to play for the Ducks. That made a lot of people angry too, and it’s not necessarily wrong, but they were able to give someone a chance. I wish I could remember his name. Anyway, he was disadvantaged, he did have a rough life, and you could call him a thug. He didn’t even graduate, actually, which I think is a bit of a sign that he had some issues. At the same time, he is now a family man, employed, and still working on his degree. Maybe that would have happened without the football program, but I believe it helped, and I think that’s worth something.

With Blount, well, if he does make the NFL, he will be a little more visible, but if not, we may not learn how he turned out until some other Duck gets in a fight. (If that’s the case, I hope it’s not for a long time.) Regardless, I hope this helped. I hope the anger management classes helped, and going through the different apologies helped, and that the support of his coach and teammates helped. Even if it doesn’t, I still believe it’s worth the effort.

I guess this is weighing on me more heavily, because sometimes there are people that I want to help, and can’t. Three in particular come to mind, two with legal issues and one who is just slowly killing herself. I wish someone else would be able to do something. Do they deserve help? Not necessarily—they all should have known better, and probably did know better, even if they had to tune that out. Would someone else’s help work? Maybe not. I just know that I still care. They still have value. The worth of a soul is great in the eyes of God, and sometimes we mortals feel it too. I also know that they could do a lot of good if they could get their garbage sorted out. So if there is a chance to reach out and take a hand, do it.

Also, while the lack of self-control displayed was alarming, given the heat of the moment, the disappointment with the loss, and the taunting from Hout, it doesn’t seem like it really makes him a bad person—not like dog-fighting or more malicious things. It makes anger management classes really appropriate, but he did that. I’ll stand with the coach.

I don’t know Chip Kelly at all, but I got to listen to almost all of the football coaching staff when I was there (I took a class). I’ve gotten to listen to Ernie Kent too, and I know that even though they all want to win and work on that, they do seem to care about the men that they are churning out as well. (Coach Kent actually said he made them learn etiquette and public speaking too, which I think is brilliant. I wish someone had done that with Rasheed Wallace.)

I also have seen that the programs tend to have a lot of loyalty, keeping people around and promoting from within. (A part of me thinks that if Coach Monson had just had a better personality he could have stayed longer too, but I don’t really know—it was a pretty bad season.) It is possible for me to believe that their reasons were good and that they are trying to do right.

If we ever get a jerk coach like Lambright or Neuheisel, I will hate it, and if there is ever a really bad scandal, like bribes or criminal cover-ups, I will be devastated, and yet I will keep rooting for the team and hoping that they will become something better. Also, if they have a really miserable losing season, or lose another bowl game, it will sting. I know all that. I am a Duck fan. That being said, that is not the reason that I am okay with the Blount reinstatement. It feels right.

I’m not sure that I deserve some of the help I’ve gotten over this last year either, but I hope that I can live worthy of it. I hope Blount has the same sense of responsibility, and my good wishes go with him.

A year in pictures

New Year’s has become one of my favorite holidays. It’s not that I generally do anything special, but I do feel a sense of optimism and renewal, if for no other reason than that I still haven’t learned that the next year will probably be just as hard and I will stay just as single. Well, it’s a fairly benign delusion.

Anyway, being a rather traditional sort, I made four resolutions for 2009. I wavered horribly on keeping my thoughts pure, and even if I am doing pretty well now, it in no way counts as keeping it. My borderline OCD habit of playing with my hair continues unimpaired, and I am just lucky that it is not full-blown trichotillomania. And while I did complete one screenplay (Past Present, formerly Dark Secrets) in one month (January), I did not keep that pace up for the rest of the year (though there are reasons why that is not so bad, which I may get to in another post).

I did manage to keep one resolution, but it was kind of the easiest. I did take and post a different picture of me every month. I ran a little late one month, and certainly many of the pictures are lame, but I did it.

The reason I made the resolution in the first place was because I really hate having my picture taken. I hate the way I look in pictures. I am not thrilled about the way I look in 3-D, and having it flattened and then saved makes it worse. Hate.

However, there are valid reasons for allowing your image to be captured on film, and possibly this distaste for one’s image can be unhealthy, so I went for it. The goal was to just become inured to it, I guess.

It was semi-successful. I do cringe less now, so I guess I have built up some immunity. I had also entertained this hope that I would somehow become better looking (re: thinner) over the course of the year, but I am about the same (that is another topic for a different day). Maybe I need to appreciate my current incarnation more before I can reach my full potential.

The primary benefit has been in seeing other’s comments. People are nice. They use words like “cute” and “great smile”. This has been weird for me, because what I see is more along the lines of “Egad, that stomach! And those thighs, and arms, and, for crying out loud! I don’t have trouble spots—I have a trouble body! And sure, I know I brushed my hair today because I remember doing it, but there is absolutely no evidence of it happening. I’m dressed like a ragamuffin, and why am I such a dork?” So there’s a bit of a disconnect.

In some ways this is not a surprise, because when I run into people they are always telling me that I haven’t aged, and I look exactly the same. In my mind I am thinking that I cut my hair short and grew it long again two or three times, and that I have gained at least five dress sizes since high school, and I know of the existence of fine lines, but really, the things that make people look like they have aged are weight gain and hard living, and I don’t live hard and I was already fat, so there is less room for people to notice decay. (Thinning hair can add age too, but that hasn’t been an issue for me yet, and some people really rock the bald look.) So, okay, I look good for me, because I didn’t have a lot to lose. But I don’t really think people are thinking this; I just think it might be a subconscious factor.

On another level, the niceness makes sense, because it would just be completely inappropriate for people to make mean comments. Social networking would probably be a lot less popular if people used it for personal criticisms.

Also, people are probably more kindly disposed, because after all, I know that I would never think as mean thoughts about someone else as I do about myself. (Well, I do think that heavy people wearing skimpy clothing is a bad idea, and no one needs to see the jiggling. Still, even when you’re skinny, bad skin can make it look unattractive, and even if you are one of the select few who can look good uncovered, you are ultimately just contributing to your own objectification, so give modesty a chance!)

Anyway, this is where it gets tricky. Any improvements that I should make require clear eyes, and a realistic take on where improvement is needed, and yet there is a line there where seeing that negative becomes destructive, and cruel. I’ve never been really good at that balancing act. I like myself a lot better now than I have at past times, and there are ways in which I am balanced, but I still have a mental block that attractiveness can ever exist in the presence of fat.

So I guess taking the pictures is in some way a step of trying to fit the behavior to the goal instead of the reality. I’ll give an example. Once upon a time, I would try and excuse away compliments, either explaining why it wasn’t really that good, or denying, or so on. I learned that this made people try and assert the compliment more. (The same thing happens with thanks—if you say “No problem” or “It was nothing”, they keep going. A good “You’re welcome” can nip that in the bud.)

Anyway, I started thanking people for compliments. Even though I believed they were wrong about whatever they thought that they saw in me that was good, I would just accept it. Although there were other steps that were needed before I could sincerely appreciate the compliment, it was a step in the right direction.

So, since I do not want to be the frustrating person who does not cooperate with the photographer, and since I do not want to hate the way I look, I have taken multiple pictures this year, and shared them on my profile. I do not love any of them (I hate the pictures someone else posted from a friend’s baby shower—I would completely eradicate them if I could), but I am dealing with them.

I am making some progress. With this last one, I could kind of see what people mean about the smile, at least. I usually do look happy. I generally am happy, so probably there is some sincerity to it. Also, I do have good teeth. Okay, I have always known that, but it’s nice to know that it counts for something.

Happy Holidays!

I am not offended by this phrase.

First of all, I remember people saying (and singing) Happy Holidays long before they worried about political correctness. It made sense. Over a relatively short span you have three federal holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day. Many people had additional work holidays on the day after Thanksgiving and eves of Christmas and New Year.

I suppose there was also a vague awareness of other events in there, like Boxing Day, Epiphany, Santa Lucia, and the official start of winter, but even if you only focused on Christmas, it was more than one day. There are parties and preparations where it really becomes a holiday season that lasts for a while. It is the holidays.

When I was pretty young schools started throwing token nods to Hanukkah, where we would sing one Hanukkah song amidst the twenty Christmas songs. I don’t remember singing any overtly spiritual songs, but one friend did remember singing Happy Birthday to Jesus in choir class, and did not feel completely comfortable doing so.

(I think if you are going to be religious in a public school, there are much better song selections than that. “Happy birthday to you” is overrated anyway, and throwing our Lord and Savior into a song that you would sing to a three-year old, and where people commonly add parts about smelling like a monkey, does not seem particularly reverent.)

Now it seems like there is controversy over everything. Certainly, I think some people carry it to far, like the school where the children learned two Hanukkah songs and no Christmas songs—okay, that does seem like overkill. But I am more concerned with the other side, where “Christian” people seem to feel like any attempt to refrain from shoving our traditions down the throats of others is a war on Christmas.

Really? Is Christmas under siege? The television is running Christmas specials and movies and commercials with Santa and elves. The stores are running sales, and have aisles full of cards and wrapping paper and decorations. Yes, there are a few small shelves of Hanukkah merchandise and maybe there are some Kwanzaa cards (the Kwanzaa focus tries to stay non-commercial, so Kwanzaa-themed merchandise would be kind of a Pyrrhic victory), but really, Christmas dominates the scene. Does the cashier wishing you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” really victimize you that much?

And let’s remember that the separation of church and state does have the potential to make government better, but that is also necessary as a protection to the public. Do you really want the schools teaching your children about Christmas? Can’t you do it better? Because even if you take away the religious aspects, different families do different things with Santa Clause too.

I am sure that many schools get carried away, but let’s remember that most of them are making decisions not based on state law, but on what they think will work for their student body. If they go too far, get involved and try to make things better, but keep in mind that consideration of others could be considered a Christian value. If there are others who don’t share your beliefs, they are still your brothers and sisters, they have the right to their own beliefs, and making others feel persecuted and isolated is not a good path to conversion. Well, okay, isolation does work for cults, but is that the message you want to send?

I keep seeing various people saying that they don’t feel the holiday spirit this year. Let’s face it, the bad economy and the turmoil in the world has taken a toll. Just as we started to recover from the police shootings and domestic shootings, a new one happens that was both. These things are hard.

At the same time, our reactions and our behavior can rise above these things, or it can send us further below. Taking offense, trying to force your beliefs on others, and looking on sensitivity to the feelings of others as a weakness does not fit in there. Saying “Merry Christmas” with a sense of spite, like “Ha! In your face!” does not fit in there. As those sentiments spread through society over politics and religion and other areas, beyond Christmas, good feelings get pushed out.

And let’s remember, the trappings of Christmas often have very little to do with Christ. You can find Christian symbolism and tradition, but there are pagan roots. Many early Protestant denominations were very anti-Christmas as a Popish pagan remnant. Some Christian religions now still eschew holidays because of how they can distract from what is really important, and other Christian groups decry the commercialism of Christmas and encourage people to cut back. Are they the enemy too?

If the Christmas spirit is the spirit of Christ, then it follows that it is the Spirit. Well, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

I am a true Christian. I don’t just believe in living Christian values, but I also believe that salvation comes through Christ, that He was literally the Son of God, and that angels and shepherds and wise men bore witness. I believe that He conquered sin by suffering and death by resurrection. I believe the words of the prophets, who foretold that He would come, and tell us that He will come again. I believe that obedience is necessary, including ordinances like baptism.

But, I also believe that God is no respecter of persons, and that there is a plan in place for those who do not believe or do not get a chance to learn in this life. I believe that we should share the Gospel, but we need to do it through love unfeigned, and not in a spirit of contention. And I believe in modern revelation, which lets me know that Jesus was born on April 6th, not December 25th. Some people will tell you that some of those beliefs prove that I am actually not a Christian, but it’s not their call, and I will try and maintain a spirit of love for them too.

You know what we added to our Christmas display this year? Monkeys. Nope, they do not have a thing to do with Christmas, but they were cute, and on sale, and cheaper than the penguin, which we also considered, and which also has nothing to do with Christmas.

If we had a giant manger scene on our front lawn, that might remind some people or teach some people about the true meaning of the season, and that could be good. If they saw me as a bad neighbor though—spiteful, judgmental, and easily offended—I would be bearing a false witness, and sending the wrong message.

If you feel it in your hearts to say Merry Christmas, great, I will say it back to you and wish you the best. If you say it to someone else, and it bothers them, apologize. Feel Christ-like love for them, so that they associate Christmas with love, and greater consideration, and with peace and good will.

If you are not particularly religious, but you do still celebrate Christmas, and you find that somehow your Christmas shopping, because it causes you to be thinking of others, softens your heart, and you like that feeling, great. Hold on to that. It does feel good to care about others, and to not be focused on your self.

If you don’t celebrate Christmas—I still wish you joy. Because whether you know it or not, I know that you are a child of God, and every year my heart becomes softer towards you.

Christmas used to be a lot of exciting buildup followed by a let-down for me. Now the holiday season feels a lot like the rest of the year, but the rest of the year feels like peace and love and celebrating small moments. I enjoy it, and it stays me with. It makes me happy.

Happy holidays to you.

Requiem for a mouse

Saturday morning my sisters said the computer wasn’t working. It seemed to be hanging on the simplest functions, and I was worried that the hard drive was going out. I tried different things, as you do, and realized that the problem was that even though the point function on the mouse was just fine, it had lost its ability to click. Thus ends the long saga of my special mouse.

My first two terms of college, I took a typewriter. Personal computers were still pretty rare. One roommate had a word processor and that was impressive. After a break for earning money, serving a mission, and earning more money, I returned to U of O for Spring ’95, and found that the situation had changed. PCs were becoming essential, and I was going to have to get one. As fall approached I went to Circuit City and purchased a Compaq 486 running Windows 3.1. This was a generation behind, but that made it cheaper.

Off I went to school, and all was going well until after a few weeks the mouse quit working. I called tech support and they said they would send out a new one, but what they ended up sending out was this remote control device that supposedly had mouse functions but was not working well—besides, I wanted a mouse. Rather than call back I walked over to the campus bookstore and checked out the offerings. I had no technical knowledge to go on. I still needed to be price conscious, but I thought getting the absolute cheapest ($5.00) one might be a bad idea, so I got the second cheapest, a Logitech. (I think it was about a $11.00, but definitely not more than $15.00.)

It worked great, but I didn’t really think about it much at the time. I finished college, took various jobs, and eventually landed at Intel, where I started to become more tech-savvy. I saw how frequently one could have problems with a track-an-ball mouse, but I never had problems with mine. Maybe this is why when Julie (who was now also an Intel employee, but I had gone from contractor to hired to laid off and then back to contractor) got a new HP through an employee program, well, it was a good computer and nice to have an upgrade, but I kept using the mouse, letting the HP one go with the old system. The Logitech kept chugging along.

Time went on and I built a PC (the clear acrylic case monstrosity), and as I was selecting all of the sleek new components I did buy a new mouse, but I couldn’t bear to switch it out, so I kept using the Logitech.

When the hard disk on the clear one started to go, and it was reinforced what a pain that case was to work with, it was time for an Antec, and I built an even fancier new computer. Sure, it could have made sense to change out the mouse, but at this point it was kind of a challenge—how long could it actually keep going? Well, that was 2007, I think, so I guess about two years.

That brings its total to fourteen years. Do you have any idea how long that is in technological time? Microsoft has released seven operating systems (assuming we count NT, which was not usually used on PCs, and 7 which is still not in large use, but still). Back then, people still used 5 inch floppies, printers connected through a parallel port, and USB didn’t even exist. People frequently had computers without even worrying about an internet connection. (The web started really becoming cool about three years later, if I recall correctly.) I can’t remember how large the hard drive on the Compaq was, but in 1998 or 1999m, I remember thinking how cool a 1 Gig hard drive would be—anyone care for a 200 Gig drive? Because that’s kind of small now. Shoot, you can put 1 Gig on your keychain and it’s nothing. The processors have changed so much, I don’t even know how to express it in a way that does it justice. Gordon Moore probably could. Also, the mouse outlasted Circuit City.

Julie’s first comment on the new mouse was to express pleasure that it had a wheel, because that makes it easier. Well, that is a fancy new invention, like optical mice with infrared wireless connections. Sure, my mouse was not fancy, but it was a trooper. It has seen me through a 20-page term paper (Historigraphy of the Buffalo Soldiers) that required an incomplete and bled over into the next term, my only ever A+ essay in French (on Moliere’s Dom Juan), and created the page layout for the History Department newsletter.

That mouse has navigated through submitting well over a hundred job applications while I was unemployed, helped me enter over 7500 names into Personal Ancestral File, and played way more games of Freecell, Minesweeper, Spider Solitaire, Diamond Mine, and various Netives applications than any productive person should.

With that mouse, I have written a novel, six screenplays, a children’s book, and the first episode and bible of a television series, as well as countless letters, blogs, and journal entries. Sure, there was always a keyboard there, but I am very much a mouse girl for navigation and commands. (Not to mention all of Maria’s chat and Facebook use, which is very mouse-intensive.)

So, it’s an impressive achievement, and there’s a part of me that feels like it deserves honorable burial, and more of me that gets—Hey, it is an inanimate object, and should be recycled. However, I do appreciate good craftsmanship and durability, so the real resolution is that Logitech has me as a customer for life (over the course of which I could purchase as many as four more mice).

Where has Gina been?

Good question! I’ve been right here actually, and I have even been writing a lot. It just hasn’t been blogging.

At the time of my last update, I had been to the Writer’s Conference and looking for my next steps there, and I had just started a new job. Jobs take time—way more than forty hours a week—so that had an impact, but I will not complain because I needed the job, and it’s been a pretty good one.

For the conference, well, one person was supposed to get back to me, and did not, which was disappointing, but more to the point, I tried starting a new screenplay and it was not flowing at all. There were a lot of adjustments to be made to my new schedule, and I took other projects on, but also I felt kind of at loose ends. Every now and then, you need to make sure you are still on the right track.

Since the last post September 1st and today, I have written about 46 journal pages. Some of that is capturing e-mail exchanges and letters that I have written to other people, but a lot of it is me trying to figure out what I should be doing, and sometimes heading in the wrong direction, and then finally getting to where I am now, where I am not only ready to blog again but excited about it.

So, expect to be caught up on things over the next few posts, including what I am not focusing on as well as what I am. However, I think the next post will be a memorial.

More thoughts on the Writers Conference

I was worried that I may not have been clear enough on something in my last post. With the pitches, even though pitching to someone who is not interested is not at all fun, I don’t have any resentment about it. I know they are looking at the bottom line, and they should be. If the company that puts its trust in me goes bankrupt because they are not making sound financial decisions, that doesn’t do any of us any good.

In terms of whether they are right about whether it can make money or not, that’s truly anyone’s guess. In one of the workshops, a speaker was discussing the success of Gran Torino. The way it got made was that someone who read it knew Clint Eastwood’s lawyer, or something like that, and it got to Clint and he loved it. The fact that it should have been relatively low-budget probably helped with it get the green light, as well as having Clint on board. (And I have heard that Clint can basically get what he wants made, because he is very responsible, coming in on time and within budget, and so he has a proven track record beyond ticket sales.)

Anyway, his theory on the success of the movie is that someone taking control in a bad situation is resonating with people in this economy. In good times people flock more to darker movies, and in bad times they want the feel good movies. That makes sense, other than that I am not positive that Gran Torino counts as a feel-good picture. The main point from that though, is that from starting a screenplay to the time a film hits theaters, a lot of time goes by. There’s a limit to how much can be predicted.

So to some extent, a picture taking off and being successful is a matter of luck. It can be a great movie and flounder, and horrible movies can be wildly successful, and that’s not getting into all of the different levels on which movies can be good and bad. And that realization should bring a huge dose of perspective to anyone who wants to work in the industry.

Actually, I was chatting about this with a friend who also writes, and my philosophy is that writing is a lousy way to become rich and famous. It can happen, but there are lots more reliable methods. Writers do a lot of work that they may never get paid for. To get paid, you need to bring it up to other people, many of whom don’t really want to talk to anyone new. When you can get them to look, they pass judgment on this part of you, and they have to place a potential monetary value on something that is infinitely personal. Before you even get to that point there is the frustration of times when things aren’t clicking, and they don’t sound right, or when you have writer’s block and you are getting nothing at all. You would have to be crazy to sign up for that.

I write because I have to. I am not at peace unless I have written. Sure, what I wrote leading up to that does not sound peaceful, but in the journaling and blogging I get things worked out. I have a tendency to think in circles when I am leaving it in my brain. Putting it to paper (or keyboard and screen, actually), allows me to actually move forward and get somewhere. There is satisfaction in bringing out this order, and there is great satisfaction in having a story come to life, and reaching those moments where you find the solution to the problem, and it is brilliant. Occasionally there are bits of perfection.

And so if you have to write (and I do), well, then maybe it is worth trying to get paid for it. I am trying to sell for two reasons. One is so I can write more. If I am earning money doing what I enjoy, I can do more of it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the other jobs I’ve had. Some are better than others, but ultimately, we’re workers in my family, and if you give us something to do we will do it, and we will make a good job of it, and there is satisfaction there, even when other elements of it may be soul-killing. Still, this other job takes time that could be spent on writing and researching and planning other projects. (It’s not a total loss. I never would have written Corporate Malfeasance without having spent time in the tech sector.)

The other reason I am trying to market my work is that it feels like it needs to go somewhere. I want to share it. I want other people to be excited and thrilled and satisfied with how things are resolved. More money would be nice, especially now after eleven months without working, but I don’t need to be wealthy. I’ve been pretty happy on my tech sector wages. I would be more comfortable making as much as an engineer, and a doctor’s salary would put me over the moon, but I don’t need millions. It’s really not about that. And frankly, that’s good, because I’m looking at something very unpredictable. If all I cared about was the money, I would be facing a lot of disappointment. It’s disappointing enough when people don’t like your ideas (or don’t think they can sell them), but there is still the gratification of the writing—finding the perfect words, finding the logic that justifies what you imagine happening (and it does actually make sense), and just getting all the dots to connect into something that makes you happy. I couldn’t stop that if I wanted to.

There were a couple of hopeful signs. The one producer did not get back to me, and I sent a reminder message, and there is still nothing, so that’s probably a wash. On the bright side, one pitch recipient did seem somewhat impressed by my ability to come up with different kinds of ideas. This is important. One fun thing about the panel was that people were asking what they look for and all they could say was that they know when they see it. You can’t give out a formula for writing a good script, even if there are some general guidelines you can provide. However, one thing that was important to the agents is that the person will keep writing. Delivering one good script is great, but they want someone who will keep producing new things. I can do that.

(I was also complimented on being able to convey the material well, which I admit I had doubts about, so that was reassuring.)

The other thing that was interesting to me was reading some pitching advice. It wasn’t about the pitch specifically, but related to picking material that can sell. As an example he mentioned historical dramas. Sure, every now and then they are successful, but they are not sure-fire, and they are expensive and complicated (great award fodder though), so when the studio does one, they are going to use a proven screenwriter. But I liked what he said. He said if you have a historical piece that you are itching to write, write it. Write what is in you, and then put it away and work on other things you can actually sell. Once you have made a name for yourself, and someone asks what else you have, then it can be the right time for your period piece.

I think he addressed the issue there nicely. It is a business, and you have to write what is in you. Somehow you have to balance those two sides.

I don’t think I have a single tent pole/blockbuster in my arsenal right now. I might have some nice indie pieces, but mainly I am writing what is in me, and just trying to make it good. Honestly, after Josh died, I don’t think I could have written anything other than Past Present. It needed to come out then. It may not have an audience at all, but I don’t regret writing it. The artist needs to write good stories, the businesswoman needs to network, and make sure there is variety, and have a clear-headed view of the less artistic side of the business.

And both sides need to accept that a lot of it is luck.

Writers Conference Update

Friday was a big day for me. I had arranged to have four pitches, and I had registered months ago. In that time, two of my selections canceled, and then one of the alternates canceled. Each time, I picked new people. Thursday night as I was double-checking the biographies and deciding what to pitch to whom, I saw that one more person had canceled. That was going to have to be fixed at the conference.

I had been reading various tips for pitching, and one thing that seemed to be very important was a one-sheet. This does have information about the film, but it also has your contact information, which is very important. At least at something like this, no one buys anything there. The best possible outcome is that they will contact you and ask for the screenplay, or give you their information to contact them.

Unfortunately, I could not find any sample one-sheets. I did find some descriptions, and they were talking about graphics and colors, and that was just not something I was going to pull off. I ended up just doing the film title at the top in 16 point font, the genre in parentheses right below, then a tag line, and then a short summary of the plot, with my contact information in the lower left. Apparently, I should also have come up with log lines. Well, next time I will know.

I have been having a hard time finishing Coulrophobia, but I really wanted to pitch it, and you don’t pitch unfinished things at something like this (someone with an established reputation could pitch a concept, but those people are buying pitches).

So the first point of business was to just push through and finish the script. I did that. Then I worked on one-sheets. I did them for Coulrophobia, Jade Mask, Hungry, and Dark Secrets, but I am calling it Past Present now, which I like better.

I was going to need to be up really early. I was only an hour later than originally intended for going to bed, which was not bad at all, but being glued to my chair, and concentrating, and nervous, left my thigh muscles really tight. That has not completely let up yet. That’s not usually where I carry my tension, but it might actually be better than in the back or the stomach. I have certainly had worse headaches.

I was worried about the logistics of getting to the conference, because Tri-met trip planner said there are no stops within walking distance of the Portland Airport Sheraton. I knew they had an airport shuttle, so I thought I could go to the airport and try that. As it was, I saw their sister hotel, Aloft, from the Max line, and got off at the next stop and walked down there, figuring the Sheraton would be within walking distance, because they share parking. Well, that wasn’t quite right, but there was a shuttle between the two hotels, and that got me there, and against all odds I had time to check in, and listen to some of a panel discussion before my first pitch.

The first pitch was the best by far. First of all, she was very kind and gave me good feedback. Also, she said she will contact me and request the one screenplay, so that is excellent. Still, it revealed definite weaknesses. One is that all of my careful selection was way off base. I thought Past Present would be the best for her, and it was not really something her company would do. However, she did like Coulrophobia, which was the last thing that I would have thought to pitch her. I only mentioned it because you have a strong female character, and she was really intrigued. For the rest of the day, I was wrong on what I thought people would like. (Though perhaps my instinct for picking producers was good, because she was one of my original choices, and almost everyone else was a reschedule.)

For my second pitch, I pitched Jade Mask. He didn’t want that because it was a CIA story, and there are tons of those since the Bourne Identity. The wheelchair aspect wasn’t different enough. I threw out Hungry then, and that was no good because everyone has vampire stories after Twilight. On the one hand, I was thinking that okay, but a vampire story can mean Twilight, or 30 Days of Night, or Underworld, or Let the Right One In, and those are all completely different, and Hungry is like none of them. For him, if you weren’t either something completely new, or taking an old genre and reinventing it, it was a pass. I believe in his case the issue is that he has access to lots of good writers who are known quantities, so an unknown has to offer something really different.

The third pitch was even worse. I guess I peaked too early. In this case, I pitched Coulrophobia, and his issue was that the stakes weren’t high enough. That a cop is trying to catch thieves who killed someone was not enough. His example was that if they were stealing nuclear warheads, where the earth was in danger, that could raise the stakes, or if her discomfort with clowns was because her father was a clown and was bad, that would raise the emotional stakes. Her life ending up in danger because of the case, and just her wanting to solve the case, was not enough. Honestly, I think those examples would both make kind of stupid movies, but he was thinking off the cuff. The point seems to be that he wants really big stories.

For those two guys (why, yes, I am avoiding giving their names), I don’t think I have anything at this time that they would be interested in. I don’t think I would pitch to number three again, but if I had the right kind of story, maybe I would for two. What was really bad though, was that it became clear very early that we were not going anywhere, but then I had to stick it out. It’s like having no chemistry on a date, but you still need to stick it out. Fortunately, it was speed dating.

The fourth was a little bit different. I pitched Coulrophobia, and he just didn’t think he could market it, because clowns means kids, but it’s not for kids, and he was just not sure he could find the right audience. I talked to him about Out of Step, which he agreed would be more marketable if I had a package. For example, if I knew Julianne Hough, and could get her attached, he probably would have taken it.

The interesting thing is that I talked about Out of Step with the first one too, and she did have some interest, but it did not sound developed enough to her. I think that was an issue not of the script being developed enough, though, but of my not being ready to talk about it because I had not planned on talking about it. So I think one key lesson is that I should have worked on one-sheets for everything I have, just in case. Because, again, I don’t actually seem to know who will like what.

That is one thing that I would hope to find in an agent—some skill in targeting pitches.

With number four, I can see that if I had tailored my pitch more like a trailer, it might have gone over better. With a big studio, they want to know that it will make a lot of money. With a small company, they want to know that they can sell it to investors, or it will never get made. Well, there’s a broader spectrum than that, but it makes a difference.

Overall, I feel good about it. I did learn a lot, and since I do have a job again, well, money will still be tight, but I should be able to get by a little longer. I hope things work out with the first one, and that she does buy Coulrophobia, but I have to be realistic. There’s a good chance it won’t sell, and if it does it could take several months.

For now, I should be employed through at least January. During that time, I want to focus on getting more written. I am getting better all the time, and having multiple different offerings available is important.

I do want to start making the agency calls again. A lot of it is fruitless, but it is dues-paying.

Those will be my main areas of focus through the end of the year. After that, I need to see where I am. Submissions will start to open up for the Nicholls fellowship, and I should have some choices on what to submit, but I might have made some money by then, in which case I would be ineligible. Maybe then I will need to switch my focus to networking, or even going back to school. Could I go to film school?

Anyway, I will work hard, and I will hope for luck. It’s like this job. I had no way of predicting or knowing that the position would open up, or that my resume would come up for it. However, by sending out dozens of applications, I increased the odds of it coming up, and by being a hard, smart working once, someone I knew making the decision was an advantage. There’s what you can control, and there’s what you can’t, but that’s just life.

I’ve handled life before.

What’s happening now

First and foremost, I have a job. It is a temporary contract at Intel. (I am to Intel as Michael Corleone is to the Mafia.)

I have several concerns. It is temporary, and although it is better paying than a lot of the jobs I have applied for, I am not sure it will be enough to pay all my bills. Still, there is a lot of elation. I do have something again. I will have money coming in. Also, it is at a place where not having a business wardrobe is just about as unimportant as can be. That helps a lot. For the work, it fits in well with my skills. I will need to learn some new things, but I can do that.

Some time ago I wrote about how I was not getting any good advice about jobs, because people meant well, but the rules were different in this economy. Having found something in this economy, do I now have any great advice? Not really. Ultimately, I think what helped was that I have worked with the hiring manager before. She knows me, and my work ethic, and my abilities, and that helped. We did know that connections were important, but if you don’t have any connections, I still have no advice for how to get them.

There is one thing I can say that may be helpful. I did not hear about the job from this person, because I have not been in touch with her. That part was largely luck, but the luck was at least partly based on my sending my resume out to every place I could find. Sending out a hundred resumes and hearing nothing is pretty discouraging, but it may be necessary.

I start on Monday, August 10th, so it will be after the Willamette Writers Conference, which I am attending Friday, August 7th. I bought four pitching sessions, and have already had three of the people that I picked cancel. The substitutions should be okay, but it’s easy to start getting paranoid. Anyway, I would gladly have started work this week, but it may be just as well that I can focus on getting ready for the pitches.

A pitch is basically a ten-minute session with a producer or agent where you can “pitch” your script and see if they are interested. I only picked producers. I do need an agent, but if I can sell a screenplay, getting an agent will be much easier anyway.

It’s scary because I feel like so much depends on this, but I do need to set expectations low. This is my first time pitching, and it takes a while to break in. Friday may be nothing more than a learning experience. Even if it goes exceptionally well, the most that would happen that day is that someone would request that I send the script. Then, if they liked it after reading it, they could make an offer. This is where having the job is great. It buys me some time for something to happen.

So my activities this week will focus on getting ready for that. I need to consider which project would be best to pitch to each person. (Ideally, I would like to pitch something different to each one, but ultimately I will go with the project that will have the strongest appeal for each, whether there are duplicates or not.) I need to have a one sheet write-up for each, and figure out what my key talking points are, studying the art of pitching. I have started this a little, but I need to really focus.

I also need really need to finish Coulrophobia, because I think that one is very strong, and it is not advisable to pitch an unfinished script. I wish I had more done, but I am still making good progress, even if I have a long way to go.

I will also try and spend some time with Karen, do some prep for the setup for a wedding reception (not mine, obviously), pick blackberries, and just get other little odds and ends done, expecting that I will not have as much time around the house.

Oh, and at some point I will need to take a drug test. At least there’s one thing over which I have no anxiety.

Open mind

It’s interesting to me how some things will always stick with you. There are incidents you remember clearly, or contradictions that keep coming back to you, and sometimes maybe there’s a lesson there.

Along with writing about various struggles, I have written at times about worldview, and self-definition, and that maybe it is a mistake to even try and define yourself, because you might make it too narrow. I guess another issue is having self-definition as too fixed.

One thought that has come to me many times (though I don’t think I have ever written about it) is that I feel like I got all the easy stuff out of the way early, and then it was just this plateau. I gained a lot of spirituality early, and I learned to control my temper pretty well, but the issues that I have left that need correction are really hard ones where I fail a lot.

That is mainly weight, of course. I have often berated myself for being lazy in frustration as I continually fail to make any progress, and yet, that has not felt right either. This is that sense of contradiction I mentioned. I can work really hard, with great concentration and effort and patience. Usually those tasks are something finite, where it may take a while, but I know that it can be done. I think a big issue for me has been that I have never really believed that I could lose weight.

I wrote earlier about believing I was fat long before I was really fat, and how I did not want to think about it or examine it, which was what led to it becoming true without me realizing what was happening. I think I missed another factor, relating to how people can change things with work.

Let me back up. We moved here right before I started first grade. Kindergarten was not available in the public schools at that time, but it was still pretty standard for kids to go. I did not, and so I started grade school at a lower level than most of the kids. I was expected to be slow, but that’s not what happened.

I was put in the lowest reading group, where you just had ditto sheets assembled into little booklets, with stories about a tin man and a pig, because there were no words longer than three letters. I remember wanting to know what was in all the books, and vowing that I would get promoted to Pug (the second level), and make my way through all the different books. That’s not how it happened. After maybe two weeks or so, I was moved up to Green Feet, which was the highest reading group. So, my plans for conquering all of the books were thwarted, but now I was not regarded as slow.

That was good, and being intelligent was good, but this good thing in me did not feel like it required any effort. Everything was so easy that I developed no study habits to speak of. I would take my books home, ignore them completely while I read for pleasure or watched television, and then do my homework on the way to school and before school the next day. There was only one teacher who ever really called me on it. (That was Mr. Wright, fifth grade English. Apparently he graded me on my potential, triggering my first cycle of buckling down before bad habits and procrastination kicked in again.)

I have another example to illustrate this, but it is kind of obnoxious. At the beginning of fourth grade, the English teachers were explaining that there would be three levels of spelling tests: easy, medium, and hard. After I took the first one, I asked Mr. King when we would get to the hard ones. He just looked at me, irritated, and did not answer. Somehow, I had gotten the idea that we would all do easy ones for a while, and then medium ones, and I wanted the timeline for when it was going to get interesting. In reality, we had been divided into three groups, I was in the hard one, and he probably thought I was trying to show off. (To be fair, I am not generally obnoxious on purpose.)

Anyway, the point is that I never had to work at being smart. If I got bad grades, it was my own issues with time management, but never that I actually couldn’t do the work. And, from the way things were set up, I don’t remember anyone else progressing either. There were kids who were smart, and kids who weren’t. By the same token, there were kids who were athletic and kids who weren’t, and I don’t remember anyone making the transition. It’s stupid, really, because you hear that practicing is important and that effort is important, and yet I still felt like you just are what you are.

Perhaps I owe part of my epiphany to a King of the Hill episode (I love that show). In one, Bobby was preparing for the presidential fitness tests, and he was really working hard. He ended up able to do one pull-up, but he didn’t get the medal because the requirement was three. Still, Hank pointed out all the kids who didn’t even do one, and that he could work at it again for next year. I never believed that I could do the flexed-arm hang. I dutifully tried and failed each year, but if faith without works is dead, well, maybe works without faith are dead too.

I am trying to open my mind to the possibility that there are ways in which I actually can change. I don’t think it helps to say anything is possible. A lot of things are possible, but you know, I actually can’t become an Olympic gymnast now, and I don’t believe I could have then, even if I started when I was four. That’s okay though, because I don’t want to be an Olympic gymnast.

I would like to be at a healthy weight. I have set goals for this many, many times, but really, I never believed it would happen. I need to cast of the shackles of the mind. And, I need to think and see if there are other areas where I have limited myself. I guess it is time for some goal-setting again.

Realistically, I have been doing this self-exploration for I guess about four years now, and I do know that just because you identify a false belief, you are not automatically free from it. I also know that I have gotten better, and I believe I will continue to do so. If nothing else, I am grateful to be aware, of both my flaws and virtues, and I am grateful to be happy in spite of all the problems.

Oops!

When I do these posts, I write in a Word file that I call Blog Draft, and then I copy it into another file, Blog Log. The first is just so I have all the advantages of Word while I am writing, and do not have to stay on line (less of an issue with broadband, but I have these habits stemming from when I had dial-up), and the second is so I have a backup record. After all, the blog is kind of like a second journal for me.

The reason I mention this is that a friend commented on my last post, and it did not seem to be quite in sync with the message of the last post, so I reread it. Sometimes I do come off wrong, and it's good to know when it happens.

Well, somehow with the copy and paste, a line from the previous post got in. It just so happen that it fit in perfectly well grammatically, so no alarm bells went off, and it is a step in an internal narrative, which fit in the context. However, it did completely change the message.

So, when I said I felt grateful, and protected, that was the conclusion. Being plunged into despair was from earlier. It did happen, and it will probably happen again, but at that moment I felt good, and I carried it with me for a while. I will need other reminders, but that's just life.

Warning

I wanted to write a little bit about this experience that I had Friday. Julie and Maria had the day off, so we went to the Rose Garden and then Skateworld.

The garden part was fine, but I started to be really apprehensive about the skating. I went in and got the skates and put them on, and I even started going towards the rink with Julie, but I kept feeling like I shouldn’t do it.

Last time I went skating, it went okay to a point, and I felt like I really needed to go or Julie would be disappointed, but after going around the rink I felt prompted to take off my skates right away. I thought that was silly, since it was only a short distance to the place where you normally take them off anyway, but I immediately fell down. I landed on one arm that was sore and had limited movements for over six weeks.

Still, I had been able to navigate the rink okay, and I used to love roller-skating. I would like to be good at it again. So, I thought I would try this, and if I got any promptings I would follow them right away. Only I didn’t actually, because I felt this nervousness and was just trying to brush it aside as fear. The more I tried to ignore it, though, the louder it got, until it was like an internal scream. I thought, “What am I doing? This is the prompting.” So I took the skates off, which disappointed Julie greatly, and went back.

She and Maria went out a bit, but I think I kind of ruined it for them. Maybe it was that the rink was packed with little kids, but they didn’t go very far.

While I was waiting for them, I was sitting there, a bit disappointed, and doubting myself. After all, the problem with obeying promptings is that often you never know why—you just find out the hard way if you ignore it. But I asked, and I suddenly flashed to Sylvia and her injury. She fell and broke her elbow recently, and it has involved a lot of pain, and been very expensive, and has been worse because she is overweight.

That’s about the only thing that could make my life more depressing now. The physical pain would be hard, but that would be the least of it. Having huge medical bills with no insurance or income would devastate Mom, and especially if it was the elbow or arm, or wrist, it could affect my typing when I am trying to get a lot done here. It would be really bad. And suddenly I felt very grateful and protected.

Well, I need to remember that there is inspiration and protection, and focus on feeling grateful, and listening better. These are hard times. There is no getting past that. But they are still bearable, and that’s important.

Writing update

For those of you who don’t know, I double-majored in Romance Languages and History at U of O. One of the requirements of the history major was that you take a research seminar. You would do a lot of reading, attend weekly discussion groups on the reading, and then do a 20 page research paper. It was in no way as grueling as Information Gathering was for Journalism majors, or Organic Chemistry for various science majors, but it was still a lot of work, and I found it to be very difficult. The reading and discussion was fine, but I had no idea how to write a research paper.

My seminar was African Americans in the American West. Any seminar required professor permission, which basically required the professor believing that you would not be completely clueless. This seminar was taught by Quintard Taylor, and he had been my instructor for two terms of African American History. I had also taken History of the West and of the Pacific Northwest from Richard Brown, so I was reasonably well prepared, and I liked Dr. Taylor a lot. I had even found a document that he was going to add to the selected readings for the post Civil War era (a letter written by a former slave), so my historical knowledge going in was decent.

The first thing you need to do to write a decent paper is to pick a good topic, and something that you can write twenty pages about. This is where I wavered. The first thing that sparked my imagination was a line of poetry written by a Buffalo Soldier, so I focused on them. However, since it was the poetry, I should have focused on their writings or, since the line was about empathizing with the Native Americans that they had captured, I could have written about that relationship, and the conflicts. I wasn’t thinking like that though. Professor Taylor suggested that writing about the historiography of the Buffalo Soldiers could be interesting, so I did that. I didn’t have much to say about it.

In addition, so I started off checking out lots of different books, and trying to read them all, all the way through, and that is completely impractical in a situation like this. You need to skim and see if they have anything useful, and if they do, then dig deeper. I didn’t know that.

Anyway, I kept going along, finding lots of information (too much, actually), and not writing a word, and I eventually took an incomplete so I could have more time. I finished the paper over the next term, and it was a relief, but I didn’t feel like it was anything special, and it felt more like a regret than anything else. Of course, I had learned a lot about writing a research paper, but I was probably never going to have to do it again, so what was the point?

Well, maybe there were some other lessons about persistence, taking a break when you need it, how to do exhaustive research, and following your passion, but still, it didn’t seem like a huge gain. Maybe the real lesson is that if you are really going to use a degree in history, you will be doing post-graduate work, and then you will be doing very long papers, so get ready for that.

Anyway, I have just finished something that was very difficult, and that I may never have to do again.

A few months back, I saw that a friend’s Facebook status mentioned pitching show ideas. I asked her about it, and asked if she needed any ideas, because I had two. Well, I wrote them up for her (at her request; I’m not that aggressive), and she wanted one of them further developed. Expanding the character descriptions was not hard at all. Writing the pilot episode was a little harder, because timing it right for the time slot, including commercial breaks, was new to me, but it was still not that bad. Writing out 26 episode paragraphs nearly broke me.

I don’t remember how long ago I first thought of these characters, but I’ve visited them on and off, and I know some things that happen to them, but enough things to fill an entire season? I mean, if there were five seasons I could tell you the overall arc of each season, but still, breaking it down into 26 chunks? That’s one reason I like writing movies. You do what you want with the characters and they are done. Maybe there’s a sequel, but there doesn’t have to be. The point is, I have been working on this since May, and it was late May, and this is still relatively early in July, but it’s a long time. So, what have I learned?

Well, for one thing, I may never have to do this again, but if I do, I could, and I will probably be faster the next time, because I have learned some methods that work. That is a plus. Like the history paper, it took much longer than anticipated. That was frustrating. I did have to take some breaks, because I had other projects that I needed to get done (mainly Cowrite entries, but you know), so there were some times when I wrote a lot and some times when I wrote nothing. I am getting more consistent, but there is still room for improvement.

Speaking of Cowrite, well, I did not win a single week, but I did end up being a finalist for Week 10. This meant two things. One, my name was on the web page as a finalist (seriously, you can see it: http://cowritescript.com/read_approved_submissions.php). Also, I had the opportunity to submit one of my own scripts:

“Thank you for submitting OUT OF STEP. Although I thought it was well written, unfortunately we are going to pass at this time. Best of luck with it in the future.”

So, that’s a little discouraging, yes. On the other hand, that’s one person who has worked in the industry, including as a script reader, who says it was well written. Tara works in the industry, and thinks my series has potential. It has only been about a year since I completed my first screenplay, and I have had two professionals view my work, and basically completed four other scripts plus the television series. That’s not bad. (Of course, by now, I intended to be working on my tenth script instead of my sixth, but the contest and the television writing really threw things for a loop,) I would be ecstatic if I was employed and not worried about money.

Now I just really want to jump into finishing Coulrophobia and all of those other movies I have been putting off writing, but I do need to keep job hunting and, on the writing side, I really need to learn to pitch. I have four pitches coming up at the Willamette Writers Conference, and I can’t really afford it, but I did it anyway because it feels necessary. I need to make the most of it.

Welcome to the pit of despair

At the end of War and Peace, Tolstoy is writing about the old Countess, and that because she has physical needs at various times of the day she cries and laughs and sleeps, and they think it is because of one thing or another, like that when she cries it is because she is thinking of her dead husband, but really it is just that her body needs to do that. I have some doubts about his theories, but after yesterday it almost feels probable.

I feel like in general, I have been becoming more patient, and better about bearing this entire situation, but yesterday was a “last straw” kind of day. It all started off wrong when I went to brush my teeth and found my toothbrush in the garbage.

Now, let me be fully clear, I understand that it was an accident. There had been an extra one in there, which may be what Julie had before she switched to the electric one, but no one really knows. Maria had been getting annoyed with it, because it made things confusing (though maybe not as much as the fact that our brushes looked very similar). Anyway, she thought she was throwing out the extra, and she threw out mine.

This is not to say that she was not thoughtless and reckless. Considering that she has woken me up to have me fasten a bracelet or do something that I had offered to do the night before and she brushed me off, I just feel like she could have come and shown me the brush before tossing it in the trash. Still, she was not malicious, and I know that, but it just didn’t help. I was having crying jags about not being able to brush my teeth. It sounds idiotic, and even at the time I felt that it was ridiculous, but still, I kept coming back to the fact that my mouth felt gross, and I did not deserve to have this happen.

It didn’t necessarily make me ineffective. I still mowed the lawn and hung the laundry and wrote a grocery list, but in between I was having crying jags and trying to drink or eat things that would make my mouth feel fresh. (It was also a really bad allergy day, which probably did not help.)

When Maria got home from work she brought me a new toothbrush, and it was a relief to use it, but I was still angry and frustrated, and I had worse things to come. I had to go clothes shopping. I had mentioned it a few times, but no one remembered, or realized it was something I had to leave for, so I stomped off for the bus stop, changing to my sunglasses because I was in the middle of an extra long jag, and was dismayed to find the developmentally disabled teenager who lives across the street there as well. I could not muster being social, so I muttered a response to one thing he said and then avoided looking at him until the bus came. So, yes, I was mean to a special needs kid, just to add to my reign of terror.

Now, when I think of my worst snappish, depressed periods, many of them centered around times I needed to try and find clothing, so maybe part of my emotional state was knowing that this was coming. I am more likely to come out of a clothing store suicidal than ecstatic, and I know it. And honestly, how can an unemployed person justify clothes shopping? Well, I needed to go because of a job.

I have not had any good job leads, but there was this one for eight hours of work at ten dollars an hour. I was just at the two-hour orientation tonight, and then I will have a six-hour shift tomorrow. This is helping with this train tour that Disney is doing to promote their new A Christmas Carol movie.

Disney is very strict about the appearance of their cast members, even if only for a day, so I needed khaki pants or a khaki skirt (fortunately, I already had a pair of white shoes). I know, this is a very basic clothing item, and most people already have something, but I don’t. In terms of that whole dockers and button-down shirt or polo, office casual vibe, with my body, glasses, and curly hair, it sends me into “Pat” territory. You remember her—she was a Julia Sweeney character on Saturday Night Live, and no one could tell whether Pat was male or female—that is how I would look.

So I avoid those things. I know I am not exactly a fashion plate in my black knit pants solid-colored knit shirts, but they are inexpensive, and I feel like they don’t make me look worse than I need to. (Aiming high just isn’t realistic with my budget and body type.)

Basically, there is only one place to go, given the size that I am. Catherine’s carries large sizes, and there is another plus-size store, the Avenue, just on the other side of Marshalls, so you have a back-up (though the selection and service at the Avenue seems to be a lot worse).

There was not a lot of khaki. Shorts and capris were okay according to the guidelines, but with my gross leg, I never wear shorts. I found a few pants, and tried one pair. They were too long by quite a bit, and I could have tried hemming, but the middle section looked bad too. I tried the skirt.

The skirt did not fit quite right either, but it was better. Still, I balked at the price tag. It was $46.00. I couldn’t spend $46.00 to make $80.00! It was ludicrous. I started to feel like maybe I should just call in, and say I couldn’t do the job. I did check the Avenue, and seriously, there was nothing. I thought about calling in some more. Because there are four max trips also, all zones, meaning it is another $9.00 there, so once taxes and tithing come out, I am barely breaking even.

Also, the orientation conflicted with the memorial service for a friend’s mother, and I started having all of these other doubts, like what if I got there, and they didn’t have a t-shirt large enough for me, or they decided that I didn’t meet the criteria in some other way. I guess logic had gone out the window, but it just started feeling like nothing was right about this job.

Ultimately, those would have been good reasons not to take the job in the first place, but part of my thought was that it was getting me into the Volt database, and maybe I could get other jobs through that. Having said I would go, I had to go. So I bought the stupid skirt, and I guess it could be worse, but I also can’t really say that things are going well.

Things are just hard, and ultimately, when I was crying, it wasn’t just about the toothbrush, but also about being fat, and having a crummy wardrobe (which, maybe the best thing about Intel was that the wardrobe did not matter), and having been unemployed for nine months (with no end in sight, and being scared about that), and missing the times when I was the financially solvent one who helped others, and never having been in a real romantic relationship.

But the toothbrush did not help.