The men and future men of Queen Sugar

I had already been planning on having multiple posts about Queen Sugar this week, and that one of them was going to be about the men. I just didn't think it would come first.

I relate more to the women. I could probably write a single post each for Charley and Nova, and there is a whole other post about family dynamics that is coming. Still, today we will focus on the men, and the boys, and the impressions and emotions that I have had with them.

I'm not writing about Remy, Prosper, and Hollywood. My love for them (especially Hollywood) is uncomplicated and pure.

It was first noticing the love that everyone else had for Blue that started to scare me. It would devastate so many people if something happened to him.

I started having those thoughts in the first season, but with the new credits for the second season, there is a scene of Blue running away from the camera, so happy and carefree, and this sense that it can't last.

That was when it flashed back to me what Nova had said about Too Sweet, the teen she was trying to get out of prison. He was only in there on trumped up charges and a lack of means for paying for bail. I don't have the exact quote, but she asked how many Black boys can get to be his age and still have the nickname "Too Sweet". There are too many things that happen to harden them.

I suppose it made sense that it was going to touch Micah first. He had grown up relatively sheltered, but I still saw over and over again that he feels things deeply and silently. It shows in the liquid eyes of Nicholas L. Ashe, but in those pauses where we read his feelings in his eyes, Micah has always stayed silent. When he was arrested and terrorized, of course he would not be able to talk about it.

When Micah did finally tell his story, it was the first time I have cared for Davis. Adultery is a sore spot for me, and I am not particularly fond of liars. I do believe that things like that affect the quality of love you can give.

Despite that, I had not doubted that Davis loved his son. To see it there in the physical tension in Timon Kyle Durrett's body - to see how badly he wanted to physically destroy someone for hurting his son - and to see the helplessness as he realized that all he could do was comfort Micah, yeah, I felt that.

That only really leaves Ralph Angel, as portrayed by Kofi Siriboe. He has been the hardest.

One of the first things we see him do is rob a store. We then immediately see him being tender with his son, Blue. We also quickly learn that he stole the money not because of a pressing need, but so he would have something to offer, first to his aunt, then to his father, neither of whom had asked for it.

Ralph Angel is wrong-headed a lot, and that is frustrating, but it has also struck me how broken down he has been, over and over.

Things go wrong so easily. Getting a warehouse job recommended by your parole officer should be a success story, until it results in getting cheated by being sold infected seed cane, and then being dragged into a stolen goods operation run out of the warehouse. Getting out of that involved getting physically beaten and fired. How can you stay too sweet?

When something goes right, Ralph Angel's smile is pure grace. For that I keep hoping that other things can work out.

Ralph Angel has been wrong-headed a lot, but he is also consistently caring and supportive of Blue. He is a loyal friend. He does love his family. He probably has the most to learn, but as he does learn it, his life gets better. The next lesson appears to be learning that someone can love and support you and still love and support others, and have other responsibilities. He will be better for knowing that. Learn what is real. Let the other stuff go.

I thought I would start with the family dynamics post - that was the aspect that struck me first and drew me in the most. Instead, Charlottesville happened. Raw emotion could lead many places, but one place I ended up was a discussion on Facebook trying to explain racism, and how it is not about feelings, but structure.

That is an important discussion to have (even if the only real result is getting told I am angry, wrong, and racist against white people). Racism is poorly understood, and taking down the systemic racist structure would eventually do a lot to fix the bad feelings, though doubtless with a lot of emotional turmoil on the way.

All of that is true, but the feelings do matter. It matters that the structure breaks hearts and spirits and kills hopes and dreams. You can't fix it by focusing on feelings alone, but the feelings do matter. The pain, and the chance to heal that pain, is why fighting the structure is so important.

Band Review: Sunsleeper

I like it when synchronicity comes into the blogging.

Recently I posted New Found Glory's "Head On Collision" for the song of the day, and saw many comments on the video crediting the song for naming the band All Time Low. That phrase is in the song, but it is also from David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes", which I had always thought was the source. (It seems to come up in multiple songs as a subversion of the concept of an all-time high.)

That happening may have caused me to pay more attention when I saw a Sunsleeper track called "Break or Bury", which sounds like a reference to Dashboard Confessional's "Hands Down".

I don't know that it is; "Hands Down" is famous for being Chris Carrabba's happy song, and "Break or Bury" is more of a downer. A connection is not impossible, because Sunsleeper refer to themselves as "emo".

Actually, they call themselves "emo rock", and there is a harder edge to the guitar than many of their forebears have used. The music is otherwise low-key and unpretentious, but with themes of loneliness and nostalgia (so pretty comfortably emo).

Perhaps none of this matters much, but it was interesting to get an emo band to review as I am going through a long stretch of daily songs from bands mentioned in Nothing Feels Good. (I started in March and it will probably go into October.) Even as I study its past, emo continues to have a future. That includes that Sunsleeper will pop up in the daily songs from reviewed bands after I finish the Nothing Feels Good  songes.

I also like that even though Sunsleeper is from Salt Lake City, their one official video - for Break or Bury" - contains some nice shots of Oregon's Multnomah Falls.

It just feels like everything is connected and it all works out. I suppose that attitude is more folk than emo, but there are Weezer and Jimmy Eat World songs that work for it.

https://www.facebook.com/sunsleepermusic

https://sunsleepermusic.bandcamp.com/releases

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD8_rduARijA_FhTjwCX19g

https://twitter.com/Sunsleepermusic

Band Review: Jeff Barbare

On first listening to Jeff Barbare, he sounds a little strange.

Based in Quebec, Barbare often sings in French. It is possible that - rather than him actually being strange - I could just be reacting to the different language, but I suspect it's a little of both. Barbare's style often sounds experimental and improvisational; "Dinosaur's Goulash" sounds especially unformed.

Despite that, there is often something inviting in the music, usually due to the funky bass lines and sometimes to the enthusiasm of the delivery. Based on those criteria, my favorites were "Jackie the Cat" and "Au Local".

I can't think of any specific bands where liking them would be a good indicator that you would be interested in Jeff Barbare, but if funky and weird sounds at all intriguing, you should check out Jeff the Barbarian.

https://www.facebook.com/barbarejeff

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWlYd0e0Rl4-XF0TB_T7YwA

https://jeffbarbare.bandcamp.com/album/la-d-composition-compl-te

https://twitter.com/JeffBarbare

Comics Catch Up: Sometimes they hurt you

One of the titles that I pulled from the spreadsheet was Jellaby by Kean Soo. Jellaby himself was very cute, and there were aspects to the art that reminded me of Bill Watterson, so I checked out the second book as well.

That one had me crying helplessly and emotionally on edge, where the tears kept coming back at odd moments. It slew me.

I am going to recount what did it, and thus there are major spoilers following for Jellaby: Monster in the City (Jellaby #2).

First off, Jellaby is a lost monster found by Portia, a young girl recently transplanted outside Toronto with her mother. Her father is absent, though she does not seem to know why or where. Through Jellaby she befriends another student, Jason. In an effort to locate a way home for Jellaby, they head to the city on Halloween. The first book ends with them on the way.

Once in Toronto, at the Exhibition, a masked magician leads Jason and Jellaby (Portia has been distracted by a false image of her father) to another lost monster, Xolotl. Xolotl's story is much worse.

A flashback shows a crying baby Xolotl lying in the snow. A boy comes along and picks her up, and she clings to him. They spend time together, focused around a lake (perhaps Lake Ontario), but as he gets older he takes off with a girl and doesn't look back, as a devastated Xolotl watches.

While a talking bird is explaining to Portia about Xolotl's abandonment and temper, there are more images of a larger but still not fully grown Xolotl hearing a boy crying, coming with open arms, and then looking angry when the boy is scared. Does the dropped truck mean he ran away, or is he the skull we see in the passageway?

The Xolotl that Jason and Jellaby meet with is much larger, and still looking for a new companion. Initially kind, the undercurrent of menace quickly becomes grave danger. Portia comes to rescue her friends, and they get out, but there is a lot of destruction along the way. The last we see of Xolotl is the chamber collapsing around her while the masked magician (who has encouraged the others to flee) holds her.

That probably sounds sad, but it's much worse with pictures.

It left me a wreck, and not understanding why I was such a wreck. I suppose a main problem was over-empathizing with the villain, but it hurt so much. Xolotl was a lost monster too, and she had been hurt, and she also had someone who loved her, so why was she still looking for someone else? Why did her pain have to turn into anger and harm?

There are some things that I can guess increased the impact. The way baby Xolotl clung to the first boy reminded me of our kitten. I imagine Lilly Belle's heart-rending mews might be how the baby monster's cries sounded.

Of course, it's been a while, but that's how Ashley's cries sounded too. Three of our cats were found on the street, and even the fourth had previous owners, though they gave her to a shelter. I have a soft spot for animals anyway, and I know they feel abandonment. They can heal from it, to an extent, but it's not a given. We have had cats and dogs who never completely got over being given up. Maybe some of them just needed more time, but there was a love and loyalty that was deeply injured. We have taken in a lot of rescues, and I am sensitive to that.

My reaction still felt disproportionate, like I had scratched open a deep well of pain that I hadn't known was there.

I do know the pain of loneliness. I thought I had been doing better, but perhaps I was fooling myself. If that were the case, I would hope there would be something more concrete: you still have this, or need to do this.

I have had some other thoughts, and I don't know if any of them are right or if it is all of the above.

This is a hard time in my life. For newcomers, I am dealing with unemployment and my mother's dementia, and they pull me in two different directions. Maybe it's easier to devastate me now than it would be at other times; I am using up a lot of my inner resources for outer things.

This is a hard time in the world. My blogging about comics in no way indicates that I am not aware of or concerned about current events. There are things I intend to write, and I was trying to get to, but it didn't feel right yet. I needed to take some time to write about comics and television (next week).

I guess it's catharsis, and maybe that's why I need to spend some time writing about entertainment. Art helps us understand things and relate to things. If there is something hurting inside me that I am not ready to understand, there is a good chance that art will be helpful when I am.

But some days it can mess you up.

Comics Catch Up: Dark Horse

As much as there is to go over, I want to start by exploring the numbers. My Dark Horse Digital Bookshelf had 61 titles.

That number alone doesn't that much. With some titles I had one issue, which usually had between 23 and 26 pages. Some issues had more pages (Dark Horse Presents #1 had 71), but also some had more books. I purchased 12 issues of Orchid for a class. The Hellboy bundle I bought had 77 issues of varying lengths.

There could also be some confusion over titles for different runs. There were separate Conan titles (King Conan, Conan, and Conan the Barbarian), four different Star Wars comics, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and Faith are stored as different titles, though one is Season 8 and one is Season 9, which does seem kind of connected.

Based on that, "61 titles" doesn't explain much about quantity, but I think it can be useful to point out that there were 14 titles I definitely want to read, 13 I possibly want to read, and 24 unlikely.

(For the 10 "Others", that includes thee series and a standalone book that I loved, two that I liked pretty well, one I did not care for as much, and three compilations.)

Obviously your level of satisfaction may vary, depending on where you are looking, but those are pretty good odds that seem about right. Read a good variety, and maybe you will love a quarter of them, and then like another quarter.

It happens on different levels. Sometimes there is an aesthetic that is gorgeous, and you just love to look at it, but also sometimes there is a harsh look that you wouldn't really like, except that it fits the story, and the story resonates with you. I tend to not like a lot of empty fights and explosions, but sometimes they don't feel empty.

Even then... Okay, The Victories was one of my least favorite titles, because it was really ugly and that only partially means the drawing style. It was always going to go on the "Unlikely" list. And yet, there is one thing the villain says in his monologue about the hero that is kind of true, and could play out in interesting ways. I don't think I want to know enough to read it, but I can't rule out that I will. Something down the road could remind me of it, and make it a more pressing question. (Or maybe after reading everything on "Definitely" and "Possibly", I will just decide to go for it.)

It can be hard to predict. I should be the target audience for Star Wars comics, based on how the original trilogy influenced me. I did not like The Clone Wars,  or Legacy,  or Empire. I did end up reading more of Star Wars: Darth Vader, because I thought it was going somewhere interesting. The library had the trade, and I read it, and then I didn't really like it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't at least try something focused on Poe Dameron.

I have never regularly watched any of the Joss Whedon shows, but Dollhouse and Angel & Faith are Definitely, and Serenity and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are probably.

That is a reason to be open to new things, and to take advantage of giveaways. Go to the stores on Free Comic Book Day. I have bought many comics, but when Dark Horse or Comixology have some special for getting free first issues, I take that. I recommend that. There are worse things than being on their mailing lists.

If there are creators whose previous work you love, it makes sense to check out their new work. I do love Hellboy, and will definitely be reading more on The Visitor, BPRD, Baltimore, and Abe Sapien. Therefore, if Mike Mignola were to announce a new project, it would only be reasonable to check it out. That is a good reason to take note of who is writing and drawing your comics.

Otherwise, titles on the Definitely list that have not been mentioned already consist of Ghost, Number 13, Mind MGMT, Colder, Usagi Yojimbo, and Alabaster.

Also, I mentioned the Conan comics, but not really anything about them. I will Definitely read Conan the Barbarian and Possibly read Conan and I am not surprised that these interesting titles involve Becky Cloonan and Kurt Busiek, respectively.

Comics Catch Up: Update

You may recall that I have been going through and catching up on my comic book reading. I blogged about it in January, but it's more obvious if we're friends on Goodreads.

There are a lot more options for reviewing single issues now. It is still not always possible. There were a few where I had compliments to give, and there was no entry for giving them. Then the ones that I thought were terrible were there. Do my reviews may seem overly negative? Still, if I had compliments there is a good chance that I will be reading more, and there will be another chance.

There was a handful where my negative feedback was specifically about sexism, and they came pretty close together. Does that make me seem like a single-issue comic reader? I'm not, but it is something I notice, and it bugs me.

(And are people really paying that much attention to my reviews?)

For sexism specifically, two of the comics were inspired by video games. I have no doubt that some of the character and costume issues come from being true to the game, but it should still be possible to do better. Even if a central feature of the character (and her costume) is the enhanced cleavage, there are framings and vantage points that can emphasize or de-emphasize it. It gets old, is all I'm saying.

I think tomorrow I am going to delve more into what I have been reading, but focus on the broader issues today. For one thing, I have seen that I am going to need to be more organized going into the next segment.

Previously I have had three sources for choosing what to read: my Dark Horse Digital bookshelf, my Comixology library, and my spreadsheet.

Of course I have a spreadsheet. This is actually just a tab on my spreadsheet where I track almost everything. (There are a few things that have their own spreadsheets, but this one covers a lot.)

It just so happens that "Comics and Drawing" is the most chaotic tab on the Schedule spreadsheet. That is partly because it contains both comics I want to read and comics I want to draw, but also there are a lot of entries from different sources. There are URLs for web comics, and the names of studios and artists, along with titles. Sometimes there are specific issue numbers for some titles, or articles with suggestions, or clusters of titles or artists that came from one article.

Now there have been some new additions. No matter how disorganized I can be, the organization of the Dark Horse bookshelf is top notch. I would have liked it if the Hellboy comics were in strict chronological order, but at least when they reference an event they always tell you where it happened. Anyway, it was pretty easy to go through my shelf in a logical order. Building on that required something more.

I thought I would just add the titles of the books I wanted to follow up on with other titles already entered in the spreadsheet, but that felt insufficient. I have added four Dark Horse columns to the spreadsheet, based on how much I want to read more: Definitely, Possibly, Unlikely, and Other.

("Other" currently contains seven titles that I have already read completely and three titles that are samplers or compilations. I may follow up on some of the characters included in the compilations, but it's different.)

As I start going through my Comixology library, I am going to have to start tracking them that way right away, or I will never be able to keep up. I am glad to realize that before getting started.

Going back to that blog post in January (at which point I had already read many issues of Hellboy), I wanted to get really caught up before November, when I will read Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study by Michael Sheyahshe, and launch myself into comics featuring Native Americans. My hope of catching ICAF in Seattle in November raises the stakes. Can it be done?

I can be caught up enough. I am caught up on Dark Horse, and I believe I can catch up on Comixology between now and November - that's almost three months for 196 comics, but many of which I have already read.

For that list on the spreadsheet, though, that's less likely. I have already been pulling from it, adding one trade to pretty much every library trip. I have read some things that I have been meaning to read for a long time, and that has been great. There are also a lot left, and I keep adding to it.

That is a great problem to have. It has been great fun catching up on different things. Even the comics that bug me don't change that I really love comics. Not matter what I end up having read or not read, I will have so much more background knowledge for the next ICAF -- and it was terrific when I attended as a relative newbie.

About four years ago I mentioned a trip to Floating World Comics, and as I was trying to locate some things explaining to the worker (apologetically) that I was a latecomer. I will always remember him telling me that was great, because I had everything to look forward to.

It still feels that way. So many comics later, there is still so much to look forward to.

I love it. 

Related posts: 

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/01/a-year-for-comics.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/but-it-was-guitar-too.html

Band Review: Moovalya

I really enjoyed Moovalya; the speed and energy of punk can be really refreshing.

The instruments on some tracks (like "Six Feet Under") can be pretty aggressive. They frequently use rat-a-tats, but it never veers into hardcore, maintaining a sense of fun and freedom.

The band proclaims their affection for the Fat Wreck Chords and Epitaph bands of the '90s. That sounds about right. More specifically, I think fans of Anti-Flag and The Offspring will be really pleased with this band.

In addition to the aforementioned "Six Feet Under", I recommend "Streetlight Streetlife". It feels like it succeeds as an anti-anthem anthem. (I'm not saying that was the intention; that was just my impression.)

Moovalya is a shot in the arm. Check them out.

https://moovalya.bandcamp.com/

https://www.facebook.com/Moovalya/

https://www.youtube.com/user/benmfjones

https://twitter.com/Moovalya

Band Review: Down On Maddy

The music of Down On Maddy tends toward the dark side of the subconscious. Auditory images are seductive, but there is something distasteful about them too.

I suspect this is intended by the band, who self-describe as dark dream-funk.

The music does interesting things. The shifts in tone established with the sax in "Rendezvous catch the ear, and I especially like the intro to "The Urge". "Titania" is inventive, and "Wake Yourself" is a solid song.

At the same time, something feels shallow and vaguely sexist. The sexist part may specifically come from "Daddy".

That is just an impression. There are two official videos on the Youtube channel, both for tracks already mentioned. I think that is the logical starting place. If you like the videos, you will probably like the rest of the album, and it will make sense to proceed.

I hated the videos, which corroborated my impressions of shallow and sexist. Based on that, I guess they worked for the songs.

http://downonmaddy.com/

https://www.facebook.com/downonmaddy

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_74iBq7DKdZKTICC0HTO4Q

https://downonmaddy.bandcamp.com/

https://soundcloud.com/downonmaddy

https://twitter.com/DownOnMaddy?lang=en

It was supposed to be such a nice day

I am still going through quite a bit of paperwork, but that's not the problem.

Many months ago (when I still had some money), Green Day tickets went on sale. I wanted to go and Maria told me I had to take her, which led to me buying two tickets.

More recently than that, I received an invitation to the 80th anniversary party for my credit union. It was on the same day as the concert, but that was not a huge deal. The reception is from 4 to 6 and the concert doesn't start until 7. Based on their relative proximity that would be very doable.

As the time drew closer, there started to be some concerns. One is that Maria was not going to be available. Honestly, I have bad luck with her and concerts, which I should have thought of back when I purchased the tickets.

Also, I am very poor. It didn't seem like a big deal then to buy the tickets, but now it is, and now I wish I hadn't purchased them. I have seen Green Day. It was a great show, and I wouldn't mind seeing them again. Also, I wasn't doing reviews back then, so I was looking forward to writing up a show of theirs, but still, I need the money more.

I have tried looking for someone to buy the tickets, but without any luck. That leaves going to the venue and trying to scalp them. That would not be the most fun a person could have anyway, but that's the other thing going wrong: Heat Wave.

MAX may not be running. Trimet is letting people ride for free, which is great, but for the particular places I would like to go, MAX is more convenient.

I also don't know anything about scalping. I'm not trying to make a profit, and I did buy them in good faith - how illegal is it? Is it better to be early? By how much? What are the odds of me finding someone showing up in the hopes of buying on a day like today?

All of that probably scraps the reception too. They haven't canceled it, and they sent out a reassuring message that they will have bottled water, misters, and first-aid personnel, but somehow it isn't sounding quite as fun.

In the greater scheme of things, this is probably just a blip. The face value of the tickets would not change much, and if I hadn't bought them then, it would already have been spent on something else.

It is still very discouraging. I don't get out much, and certainly not out for anything on my own. Today was supposed to be a break, and it's not, and I am let down.

To do: A clean room

No, that wasn't one of the original things on the To Do list, it's just something that I really need to do, and then not doing.

I have made multiple false starts at today's blog, and what I am writing does not feel right.

The clutter on my desk contains unemployment information, Trade Act information, Oregon Health Plan information, bills I can't pay, and probably some other things requiring some kind of action.

It appears I am not going to get anywhere else until I get to that, so that is what I must do.

Internalized sexism

About two weeks ago I was writing about some self-evaluation coming out of reading Beauty Sick, and it went pretty well. I was left feeling mainly good about myself.

You may remember that even when I had been feeling weak and without many resources, I mentioned being able to help two people by listening to them. Then I started writing about some of the things that had previously made it easy to feel badly about myself, then took some time to talk about racist attitudes and how my own weakness may have affected someone's ability to come out to me. Now that we're all caught up, I want to talk about those two people for whom I provided a listening ear.

As it was, one reason both of them needed to talk to me is that there were others who were not listening. Not by a total coincidence, both were women being talked over and down to by men.

I think it was important for me to write the post about Beyoncé's baby picture not just because I had been thinking about it, but also because of what was covered on how we need to interrogate immediate reactions and instinctive attitudes that we are sure are not racist. We run into the same problems with issues of gender.

"I'm not sexist!"

Maybe you aren't, but historically there has been enough sexism enshrined in law and enforced by tradition that it could have influenced you in ways you will not be conscious of without careful self-examination.

Remember that Sanders supporter who kept getting angrier about my support of Clinton, where it was starting to feel like harassment? Then, when I asked him if he was doing that to any male friends of his who did not support Sanders, that was a vile accusation of misogyny and he ended our Facebook friendship. 

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/06/when-i-dont-appreciate-you-commenting.html

I swear I did not mean to accuse him. I knew he had at least one other contact who had disagreed with him on something, and I was curious if he was pushing everyone in the same way, because it seemed disproportionate. Personally, I suspect his conscience did the accusing, which can feel pretty terrible. It would still not be the first time that a man was not able to accept a woman's rejection of his opinion.

That came up in my second conversation from that day explicitly. A friend was receiving creepy attention from one man, which was its own problem. The reason she called me was because of a different man who just felt so sorry for the creepy one and kept reiterating that.

If he had only said it once, that could be a mild irritant and then done, but he just kept going. She expressed her discomfort with the conversation, and he kept going. He felt so sorry for the guy; after all, she would be such a prize for him.

That is objectification. It is more obvious when he uses the word "prize", but the real tell was his inability to accept her different mind and thoughts. I don't believe he is consciously thinking "I have to keep going until she admits I am right" or "Women don't get to disagree with men"; that would be too crude and obvious. I maintain that the feeling is there underneath. Since it is buried, we need to poke it and prod it and drag it out into the light.

If anyone reading this thinks that's an annoying viewpoint, I can see why you think that. I will further acknowledge that doing the work of rooting out internalized bigotry of any kind is uncomfortable and unpleasant.

That said, it really sucks being perceived as an object.

Band Review: Calling All Astronauts

One of the most tedious parts of reviewing music (for me), is listening to a string of remixes of the same song where none of the variations seem to make that much difference. Calling All Astronauts turned that upside down.

They took the third track off of Anti-Social Network, "Hands Up Who Wants To Die?" and changed the request. Do you want Metal? Goth? Dubstep? There are six different tracks providing those things.

It makes sense for them, as the band prides itself on being able to incorporate various genres, including electro and post-punk. When I am listening I hear primarily indie rock with a guitar-heavy electro influence and an undercurrent of industrial. So if sometimes I hear a riff that reminds me of The Go-Go's, or a vocalization that reminds me of Iggy Pop, that should all be in play. "The American Dream" reminds me of Nine-Inch Nails.

There is a lot to listen to here. I recommend starting with "Empire". That's not just because it's the first track of their most recent album; it's also a pretty good song.

http://www.callingallastronauts.com/

https://www.facebook.com/CallingAllAstronauts/

https://www.youtube.com/+CallingAllAstronauts

https://soundcloud.com/david_the_dj

https://twitter.com/CAA_Official

Band Review: Love Past Blue

Love Past Blue is a Dallas-based indie rock band. Their songs sound like they would go over well in a roadhouse, experimenting with funk and blues.

This made it somewhat disconcerting for me to discover that their ages range from 14 to 17. I don't hear it when only listening to them, but when watching performance footage it is distracting, especially as they introduce a song about consent.

I don't want to get overly hung up on age; they sound great. With this much ability now they should only be getting better, and able to speak with more authority as they gain more life experience. I cannot help feeling that they should take some time to grow up.

That should not be a reason not to listen to them. Of the songs available, I particularly liked "Faded". It is a bit softer than the rest of their tracks, but was delivered beautifully.

https://lovepastblue.com/

https://www.facebook.com/lovepastblue/

https://www.youtube.com/lovepastblue

https://twitter.com/lovepastblue

I can't hear you; I'm bleeding

I am thinking a lot about homophobia today. Current events may explain that.

It goes well with yesterday's post examining how we think about racism, and with where we are going in how we think about sexism, but I swear I was just trying to get to an understanding of why it was so hard for me to feel good about myself when I was younger. Perhaps a new story will help tie things together.

I have had several queer coworkers at different times. Some I really love, most I get along with, and one was absolutely terrible, which I would say was unrelated, except maybe a lifetime of facing prejudice is what turned her into such a nasty piece of work. Regardless, the one that really bothers me is the one where officially I didn't know.

I didn't know unofficially either. Some other coworkers had guessed, which I found out later. Maybe I should have guessed based on how much he hated my slingbacks (I liked those shoes!), but that's such a stereotype.

If I had been asked, I would have opined that he was far too immature to be in a relationship with anyone of any gender, and I would not be wrong. Nonetheless, I think he tried to come out to me one night, and I botched it.

It was not completely my fault. His opening gambit was trying to get me to understand why he could never be attracted to me. I am not even sure why potential attraction to me was an issue, unless that just seemed like the best way of introducing it.

The problem with that is I wasn't hearing "I don't like girls"; I was hearing "You are gross and disgusting because you are fat."

It is not unreasonable to point out that if you want to have a difficult discussion with someone, and you want their understanding and acceptance - maybe even compassion - that insulting them may not be the best strategy.

It could also be reasonable to assume that his point was not about insulting me. I'm not positive, because he was a brat who really liked getting under the skin of anyone around him. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was not a big deal, and sometimes it would have been really easy to throttle him, even knowing you could get fired and jailed for that. So, yes, he might not have been against the insulting part, but he also may not have realized how I was hearing it, because he didn't even like girls.

It registered for me because my deepest belief ever was that boys could never like me, and being aware of it didn't make reminders any less painful. I couldn't believe that he was sticking the knife in like that.

I did feel like there was something significant about the exchange. I could feel him willing me to understand, but I was understanding the wrong thing. That was my weakness.

I have seen before that the insecurities and fears that you carry around can keep you from being there for other people. It's usually only something that can be seen in hindsight. Later, after we didn't work together anymore, I found out, and that's when I started to figure it out. That's when I started to feel like I failed him.

I don't beat myself up for that one a lot. I know he had other support, and we didn't become enemies from it even then. We never had another exchange like that. I do wonder now if he had tried other ways of leading up to it that went over my head, but I don't specifically remember any.

I do try and remember that it's not just okay to like yourself; it's necessary. If you can't feel like you deserve that for yourself, maybe being there for others can give you the motivation to get started. So many of the terrible things you fear about yourself are false anyway, and they can lead to so much harm. It's better to let them go.

This post's title is present tense, but I think I am better now. There may still be things I don't realize. As I balance my current external crisis with my improved internal state, we'll see. The main point I want to make is treat your wounds. Acknowledge they are there and treat them.

Bey-bies

You may be aware that Beyoncé gave birth recently to a set of twins, and even more recently posted pictures of her holding them.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BWg8ZWyghFy/?taken-by=beyonce&hl=en

Many people felt compelled to offer their opinion on this. They also felt compelled to offer their opinion on her pregnancy photos. Complaints included narcissism, making things look to easy (because that's not what "real" pregnant women and new moms look like), and insensitivity to people struggling with fertility issues. What they often overlooked was their own racism.

Here are a few things to think about. Posting her own pictures of the twins relieves some pressure from paparazzi trying to ambush them for the first photos. By publishing to Instagram, she made the pictures available to anyone with internet, for free. An exclusive deal with a magazine would have still cost money for people interested in the pictures, whether the Knowles-Carter family had accepted payment or not.

I did see at least one complaint that the money spent on the photo shoot should have been donated, but they do donate a lot; I'm not going to begrudge them that, especially given the mother's interest in visual artistry.

I had not really been thinking about that previously, but one of the pregnancy photos I had not seen earlier shows some nice parallels with the "after" picture:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP-rXUGBPJa/?taken-by=beyonce&hl=en

Back when I reviewed Solange, I became aware of a real sensitivity to structure and texture and visual imagery, which is also pretty true of her sister. Beyoncé probably gets some enjoyment out of creating the lush images, and why not? After all, for her this is a celebration.

And that's where we really get to the racism part.

First of all, let's remember Demi Moore - nude, pregnant, and never feeling so confident and beautiful - and Jessica Simpson imitating it. Also Nicole, pregnant fiancée of Michael Phelps taking some stunning underwater pregnancy photos. Pregnant photo sessions are pretty standard now, often with a professional photographer. I know someone who kept posing with larger pieces of fruit as the baby grew. If some people get fancier as a reflection of their personal aesthetic, there should not be a problem with that.

Now let's talk about insensitivity to infertility problems. Do you think Beyoncé is callous to those? She has had them. She adores children, but she has struggled to conceive, and had miscarriages, and her twins were premature and spent time in the NICU. For some perspective on that, I would like to defer to Sydette:

https://twitter.com/Blackamazon/status/833113625841823744

Issues of environment and access creating obstacles to Black fertility and maternity is important, but I want to go backward.

Let's remember that it isn't that long ago that Black maternity included many children who were the results of slaves being raped by their masters. It included children being sold away. It included being expected to raise the white children of the owners.

Let's remember that emancipation didn't end the threat of rape or the need of many women to keep raising white children just to be able to support their own.

Let's not forget that once Black children were no longer property they were such a threat that sterilization without explanation or consent was common. Fannie Lou Hamer was just one woman who was subject to a "Mississippi appendectomy".

https://mississippiappendectomy.wordpress.com/2007/12/06/fannie-lou-hamer/

Let's not forget how often Black children are perceived as already adult and menacing when they are still so young, at risk to their lives. Let's not forget that despite how scary Black men are perceived to be, racists still love calling them "Boy". Beyoncé's son will be addressed as "Sir" for all of his life. Give her credit for some thought to her choices.

And let's not forget how often Black joy is policed, with a new tenant of Harlem calling the cops about the ice cream truck, or a book club being kicked off of a wine train for laughing, or a mother being criticized for being happy about her twins.

If you felt distaste for the pictures, I know you can come up with many reasons why that is not racist, but simply because of some other reason. Interrogate that. Look at the patterns. There is a lot of conditioning that is built in to our reactions. Sometimes it is built on ugliness, and the only way we can become something better is by questioning, and challenging, and not accepting the status quo.

Do you like yourself?

This is going to be another one of those blogging weeks where organization is difficult due to interrelated points. I will try and be coherent.

I'm going to start with my Facebook status today: Do you like yourself?

I do. I was thinking about it because of a conversation with someone else whom I suspect doesn't. I think you should. I do.

Picking up last week's thread, I have found that I am basically the person I want to be. That is good. When it was less true, at least one of the problems was that I could not see myself accurately, and there were things I didn't know about myself.

One factor was that we are not good at talking about bodies. Maybe we are better now, but having those conversations where you could feel good about the areas where you were fit and work on the areas that needed improvement - it just wasn't happening.

I mention that mainly because in other areas where we worry about polite conversation, the primary result seems to be reinforcing a harmful status quo.

For example, it's not polite to talk about money. That leads to not knowing when the pay of you and your coworkers is based more on gender and race than on contribution and competence. It makes it easier for people to cheat you. It makes it easier for people to create false impressions, and it makes it easier for people to brazenly spend ridiculous amounts of money in ways they should be ashamed of.

When it's awkward to talk about sex? Sure, one result is sex that is less enjoyable than it could be (perhaps without people even realizing that it could be better), but it also leads to issues where consent is poorly understood, and where diseases get spread, and unintended consequences happen.

Also, if someone is being rude - especially in a passive-aggressive matter - where it feels like anything you do to stand up for yourself would be even more rude, that's just not any fun at all.

So it is important that we talk about things, and that we care more about substance than surface. It is important that we learn vocabulary for talking about things, allowing us to understand others and to give form to our own thoughts. We need to be able to analyze and comprehend when things aren't working and work out ways of addressing that.

The other contributing factor, though, is that girls aren't supposed to know anything good about themselves anyway.

I am smart. It became clear early on academically, other people notice, I know it, and it still feels wrong to say it. If I can't admit to the most obvious good thing about me without feeling awkward, what positive traits am I allowed to own?

If you say something bad about your looks, a lot of people will contradict you. That's nice, though it can backfire. For example, if I complain that I'm fat and someone answers "You're not fat; you're pretty!" that merely reinforces the utter incompatibility of "fat" and "pretty", and I am fat. Again, that one is really obvious.

This may circle back to the first problem, that we are not good at talking about things. Maybe it is better to be able to admit that someone's nose isn't great, but also that it doesn't make them hideous and it is the least important thing about them. There are minefields in that direction, but there might be something really good on the other side too.

Regardless, it should be okay to be able to know good things about ourselves. I know I am smart. I also believe it is a gift from God. That would make it very inappropriate to hold it over other people, when in fact I should be using it to serve people. I also know that there are areas that I don't know a lot about, there is training I haven't had, and I am fallible. There can be balance in knowing your strengths.

It should be possible for pretty girls to know they are pretty, or to be glad they have manageable hair or to like their eyes without feeling better than everyone else. It's so common that they aren't even allowed to know they are pretty, and that is worse for girls.

I am going to spend more time on that, but I will go in a slightly different direction tomorrow. In the mean time, here is an old blog post and one recent article:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/04/its-different-for-girls.html

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/people-react-to-women-saying-i-know-to-compliments