Trending downward – 316

I was recently asked for an explanation of the numbers at the ends of my titles. It was something that I started doing in January, after writing about my weight struggles and how I got to be the way I am.

One thing I have realized is that secrets are unhealthy. If we look at where my psychological flaws are, they tend to center around shame and denial. I never believed I was good enough, and I couldn’t bear to deal with it, which kept me unhealthy for a long time. As I started to realize that a lot of my worst fears and hang-ups were built upon false pretenses, I was working on healing and the answer in many cases seemed to be more openness. Share. Don’t hide.

My blog in 2008 pretty much laid all my secrets bare. In the beginning of the year I started with the three traumatic events that shaped my life, and the turnaround, a big part of that was my weight. I had defined myself by my weight for decades, especially in terms of my relationships with other people, believing that no one could love me until I lost weight. I guess to take away power from that number, and to reinforce that reality is what counts, and not what people think or know, I posted my weight at the end of that entry, and promised to keep posting it as a little side note throughout the year.

316 pounds is a lot for a 5’4” person (well, I think I might be 5’5” now, but I haven’t actually had a chance to check). However, I started at 344.5, so I have lost almost thirty pounds this year. It’s not as much as I wanted to lose, or as much as I need to lose, but there are people out there who would love to have lost thirty pounds this year (especially people who are only 30 pounds overweight, which I would love to be). Ultimately, I have to accept that it is not bad.

It is frustrating at times, trying to get this aging body into a shape that it never has been in, and sometimes the pressure of sharing it makes it worse. There have been days when I postponed blogging because I was up and did not feel like reporting it. Honestly, weighing every day is frustrating because there are fluctuations that don’t always make sense. Like one day, after having exercised the previous two days, I was up three pounds. I know I did not gain three pounds of muscle from two aerobic dance workouts. However, the overall direction is down, and I expect it to continue that way.

There has been other growth too. The other main trauma was my belief that I could not be loved or desired, and getting over that required not only sharing one traumatic event and one period of deep depression, but in July I started going over my entire romantic history, which is nothing to brag about, and every boy I’ve ever liked, and I had to dig pretty deep. Obviously I am still single, but I think I must have grown because two weeks ago a guy hit on me and I actually realized it at the time. That’s pretty major for me.

(Nothing happened. I wasn’t really feeling it, maybe because it was at a memorial service, maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there, but in the past it probably wouldn’t have happened, and if it did I wouldn’t have picked up on it because I wouldn’t have believed in the possibility.)

There’s still a long way to go. First of all, I don’t even know what my target weight should be. The BMI range for my weight is between 110 and 145 pounds, which is kind of a wide range (and I tend to believe the system is flawed). Mainly, I want to be healthy. Since I do not intend to become a female body-builder, I am pretty sure that I should be below 200 pounds, so I was thinking that when I get around there I will have my body fat measured, and try out the old presidential fitness tests. Actually, I did fairly well on the majority of those in grade school. I just could never master the flexed arm hang, and I am not sure that running laps is the best test of endurance—not without some training on good techniques and form. I have some time to figure it out. My more immediate concern is seeing if I can like the diabetes. Frankly, while I am unemployed and uninsured, I can’t afford the meds.

One thing that made me feel especially good is that I realized a few weeks ago that I haven’t binged at all, despite having plenty of motivation. It was never something that I did that often, so I don’t think that it will be nearly as important for the overall weight loss as my daily habits, but it was nice to see that I have gotten some improved coping skills. Again, when you are willing and able to face your problems, it makes a big difference.

Of my other big trauma, well, I still don’t drive. I will need to get to that eventually, but I am just going to need to have less on my plate before I can worry about it.

For boys, well, it would be nice if mistletoe could actually be relevant next year, but I am not making any promises. For now, I think I will stick to just working on being happier with myself, except it has occurred to me before that Powells would be a good place to go trolling for boys, and I think I may try testing that out next month.

One aspect of the weight concerns has been that I absolutely hate having my picture taken, and sometimes you just need to make a point of doing what is hard. So I will make sure to have my picture taken at least once a month over 2009, probably updating my Facebook profile or at least adding to my albums. With luck, it will start to document the incredible shrinking woman.