My year on the internet – 314

My writing yesterday ended up primarily about how I have grown over the year, and it was actually pretty significant. So while these last few months, especially in the last few weeks, have been incredibly hard, I guess I can’t really call 2008 a bad year. It was a year of growth and adventure, and 2009 will probably be that way too.

It seemed like bad planning that I needed to take Mom to Italy the same year I was accompanying Julie and Maria to Australia, but I felt like we needed to go. I thought it was so she could spend time with Elda again, because they are very close, but she is going on eighty-seven and there was a real concern that they would not have another chance. I never dreamed Paolo would be the one to go. He is the youngest next to Mom, and was the heartiest, and it’s just not something that we saw coming. It took up money and vacation time, but I can’t regret going. I’m glad we had that chance.

I’ve already stated that I don’t regret Australia and New Zealand, and that’s still true. Maybe I should, but it was a great trip, and I’m glad I went.

I certainly don’t regret the personal growth, and I don’t regret the way that it happened, even if I have had some qualms.

In 2006 and 2007 I was working on my self-analysis paper, and it was good, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to break down my boundaries of privacy, secrecy really, and just stop being afraid of letting people see my weakness. I have learned a few things from this.

One is that being open helps other people. This has been something that I have observed more with my church friends, but sometimes it is a real help to see that you are not the only one who struggles. Maybe it is because of the church setting. We show up nicely dressed and talk about doing what is right, and people often end up feeling like everyone else is perfect (which rarely happens with your coworkers). If you think that everyone else is what you see there, while you, familiar with your own life, know that you are a mess, that can be kind of lonely. A little candor reveals that really, everyone is kind of a mess, but not really because we are all dealing with our messes, most of the time successfully (sooner or later).

The other thing that has been wonderful is finding that people care. I guess the problem at my core was that I believed that if people saw my weaknesses they wouldn’t like me or would use it against me. I’m not even sure why you couldn’t let it happen, but it was clearly bad, and thus my father was always right, even though he frequently was not.

It turns out that when you are down and struggling, people can be really nice. They care, and provide encouraging words, and back you up. Combining this with the fact that acknowledging your errors leaves room for correcting them, it really makes the world a better place. It’s nice to not always have to be the strong one.

Technology has blessed me a lot with this. My blog has been my platform for being open and just putting things out there, be they good, bad, or ugly. I have joked sometimes about my regular six readers, because that’s what I had originally (it has grown a bit), so on one level exposing your soft underbelly to six people is not huge, but still, once on the World Wide Web, it can never truly be retracted, so it has taken a bit of courage, and it has worked. I’m sure blogging about one’s problems is not an all-purpose answer, but it’s been good for me.

The other thing that has been really great is Facebook. I only started my profile in October, after getting back from New Zealand, so I am still relatively new to this, but I have still reconnected with lots of people, and that has been great. This is where some of the support has come from. You can reach out to people easily and have them reach back, and while it can be quick and easy that does not necessarily make it shallow.

It has been great seeing different aspects of people. I’ve been reconnecting with people from all over, but I think the most fun has been people from high school. Oddly, of the four friends I have really kept in touch with from Five Oaks and Aloha, not a single one is on Facebook, so these reconnections have all been new ones.

It is great to see the different aspects of people. Most of us have turned out okay so far. The most profound part has been seeing people as parents, I think. It is just so far from what we were back then, and it is such a natural fit now.

I don’t know that I would have liked it so much before. In the past when I have run into people, it was always unexpected, and usually I was a wreck, like I was out berry picking and was covered in juice and thorns and leaves, but needed to run into the store for pectin. Hi Adam! Or I would be in restaurants or cafes eating, and having body issues felt awkward about that. Sorry John. Getting to do this now where I am feeling more comfortable with myself helps, plus no one knows if I am physically messy. I can type in my nightgown or a ball gown, and it makes no difference whatsoever. So, I am comfortable getting in touch with anyone.

This is also where some of the qualms have come in. For one thing, I was reluctant to add Aaron and Bob as friends because of the way our relationships were when we last saw each other. I felt like if they added me it was fine, but the last thing I needed was for them to get weird ideas about, “Oh, she still wants me.” I held out, but I would keep seeing their comments and photos through mutual friends, and holding off made me feel petty.

In addition, I realized that my whole last three years has been about not worrying about what people think, only worrying about the truth. So if they were still like that, which one would hope was not the case, it still wouldn’t be my problem. So, I added them as friends, with no ill effects. Actually, now that we are apparently past all the adolescent stupidity, Bob is really fun. He posts often and is generally humorous, so it’s fun getting those updates.

That kind of leads into the other qualm. Even if I strive not to worry about other people’s opinions, feelings do matter, and we don’t live in a vacuum. Writing about my hard times often meant writing about other people, and once it becomes conceivable that they could read about their selves I started to wonder if I needed to post any retractions. I thought of some that I could write:

· Even though I said that I did not like him because of his looks, he was nonetheless very good looking.
· I’m sure he would have been able to make varsity anyway, even if there were more people who wanted to play.
· Obviously he has matured a lot now.

I haven’t posted any retractions so far. For one thing, however many people make it to my blog, I doubt they’ll be combing back over old posts. Also, I think I generally did a good job of being even-handed, and pointing out extenuating circumstances. Like I did write about one girl that if we had still been in school together, I know we would have made up, but it was just too easy to not talk. Now we are friends through Facebook, and I am glad, and I did write her possible viewpoint when I posted then, so probably okay. I never wrote anything that was untrue, it’s just that we were all a lot less mature then, me included.

If anyone wants to know if they are mentioned and where, let me know. If after that you want me to write something about how you rescued a kitten, or are a solid citizen now, it’s totally a possibility. As it is, there are probably only four people who look bad. Three of them were from the traumatic incident in junior high (February 9th post), they have very common names, and I don’t think anyone reading it would realize the specific participants unless they were there and still remembered it. Even with that, thinking about it later I think I know how it got started, and I don’t think Jason (I feel compelled to write that this is not Jason C, and I think that will be good enough) meant for anything bad to happen. He wasn’t really the biggest part of it anyway.

For the other person who might be reasonably unhappy with his portrayal, eh, I could have said worse.