Here we go again – 308

It was kind of mean of me to dump a lot of doom and gloom, and then procrastinate posting coping methods. It was not intentional—I have just gotten lost in my own problems again. I had said I was going to start another round of self-examination, but I thought I was going to do the other thing first, and maybe that was the wrong strategy. I may mix the two up, but I need to work some things out, and I think I am going to try posting every day for a bit, possibly for the next two weeks.

Maybe the first thing I should make clear is that I don’t think that every thing that happens is necessarily specifically designed by God for us. First of all, turn a bunch of us loose with moral agency in a telestial world and plenty of things happen, where we all get plenty of opportunities to be tested and rise to the occasion (or not). Also, since that agency is definitely there, that alone should indicate that He is not orchestrating every single thing despite being over the whole.

This is important because there are people who try to read specific meaning into situations where the real meaning is that someone is a jerk, or was careless, when they would be better off going for specific lessons, but looking at the greater meaning and how that situation fits into the greater plan. These people are also more likely to view specific trials as punishments (instead of just part of mortal life), and there just seems to be a lot of room for error. I don’t want to fall into those traps.

That being said, I don’t rule out the possibility that at times there are things being orchestrated for you, and even if the trial came up on its own, the end of the trial may be pending upon some change or progress within oneself. And that leads us to the crux of this next writing spurt—I need relief and I am trying to make sure I am eligible for it.

Being unemployed is taking a real toll. It has been all along, I guess. It feels worse now partly because of the cumulative weight (part of my survival has come from moving money around different places, like paying a credit card but then charging the cable bill), and I have run out of wiggle room. Also, well, I had a ray of hope last week, and it looks like that was turning out to be a false hope, so there’s a crash down effect.

When I went through my last bout of depression, I really thought that it was a one-time thing. I lost a key characteristic (my cheerful nature), had to deal with a false belief (that I could not be loved) that was affecting my entire life, but then I did learn and I did get my cheerfulness back, and I thought it was done. Even if there was still residual learning to do (like believing that a specific person could love me, or knowing how to act since I am not the hopeless case that I thought), still, the big part was over and I did not think it would ever have to be repeated. That turns out to only be partly true.

For one thing, I oversimplified my self-definition. When I didn’t recognize myself anymore as this depressed person, I thought, okay, this is my core characteristic, even above intellect. It looks like I have multiple core characteristics. It sounds logical, but it was something I had not thought of until I lost something else that I had always taken for granted: my employability.

This is really unfamiliar territory for me. I have always been able to get the job I want, and then be a star there. Even back when I was first job hunting as a sixteen-year old girl, I applied at a lot of places, but where I wanted to work was McDonalds, and that’s the job that I got. (The desire came from a visitor to my personal finance class who really talked it up.) Then I wanted to work at K-Mart, and Burlington Coat Factory, and those happened. I wanted the job at Clear Connections, and I got it, and even if I was applying for other jobs while I was going after the target, it was like that was all white noise and only one application really counted. There were moments of doubt, when Clear Connections was falling apart, and that one month after my redeployment ran out, but in general things went my way.

This is all different now. That it took a trip around the world right at the time the country was starting an economic freefall for me to have employment problems is impressive, I guess, but it doesn’t help. I still need a job and I am not getting one.

It’s not just that I am worried about bills and depressed about not having money to do things (though I am). It is not just that there is family pressure. It is also that I placed a big part of my value as a person in my ability to earn a living, and to be the smart, helpful one, who knew the job really well and that the rest of the team relied on. I was never doing anything really great, but I earned enough to do what I wanted, and to help my family. I donated to charity. I was generous with people. Now I feel like a big nothing. What am I really doing? Okay, I write (not as regularly as I could, but still), and I apply for jobs, but there’s no payoff. This is the seventh month now.

Honestly, I cannot think of a worse blow. Losing Mom or one of my younger sisters would hurt a lot, but it wouldn’t change who I was. I have struggled with my weight and with being single for a long time, but I am also used to those struggles. This is something completely new, and utterly destroying—except that it is a slow, grinding down destruction rather than a sudden obliteration.

My family is finding me to be a bear, and they are not wrong, but at the same time, every waking moment my emotions are composed of anxiety, fear, despair, humiliation, embarrassment, anger, and self-recrimination. They’re lucky it only boils over when they say something about the job. There is some improvement from last time, in that I have not been as down for as long periods, but still, I am having a prolonged hard time.

Also, what they are saying is not helpful. I am afraid a lot of that has come from Misty. She keeps complaining to Mom that I am not taking her advice, and so it is not my fault. The problems with that are that she actually never gave me advice, she just told Mom she did, the advice that she gave is something I have already been doing anyway, and also, I think anyone who has not successfully gotten a job in this economy needs to shut up. If you were able to successfully get a job in better times, good for you. I was too. The rules are different now. Misty needs to shut up more in general anyway.

Anyway, I’ll allow that ego is a problem that I need to overcome (also, revulsion for my older sister), but that’s why I’m putting it all out here, tearing down the facades that lend any shred of dignity in the hopes that it will help.