Although I did not realize it at the time, much of
the work I was doing was about setting borders and boundaries. Some things I
had previously taken responsibility for were not mine. That draws a line. I
needed to carve out time for myself. That creates a space. I started to see it
more in those terms after May 6th.
I don't think it should be surprising to anyone that
a People Pleaser would be conflict-averse. I do not enjoy it. The strong sense
of responsibility often meant that there were issues that I would stick to
tenaciously, but I would feel tension in my shoulders and pain in my stomach as
I did it.
This may be most clear in my feelings about people
responding to my political posts. If people want to ask questions, great, but
more common is people who disagree being contradictory. I have sometimes had
respectful discussions with the other person, but more often than not, it
doesn't go well.
If I posted it, I have thought about it. So, if
someone contradicts it I have to defend it, because I can't leave their
inaccurate statement unanswered on my page. My sense of responsibility won't
allow that, but being conflict-averse makes it stressful. That puts one level
of pressure there, but also I have had friends be really nasty to each other in
my mentions. I hate that.
On May 6th, I posted an article (and this is ironic)
about Sanders fans abusing Clinton supporters. I thought it was a well-written piece, taking a common
problem and explaining how the author was personally affected by it. Two people
took strong exception to it.
One of them was not just a Facebook friend, but a
friend whom I spent time with. She had been contradicting a lot lately. I
suspect it was really more reflexive because she didn't try to back anything up
with facts; it was the equivalent of going "No it's not" over and
over gain. I had tried light engagement (I disagree, I continue to disagree)
and I actually deleted one because I felt that the rudeness was growing and I
didn't have the energy to deal with it. (Remember, I was sick that week.) That
led to a discussion, and I stated that I did not like them posting their
contradictions on my page.
I did not feel like this was an awful thing. They
had both posted multiple things that had been wearing on me by then, but this
was the first time I told them I thought it was rude.
My not liking it does not mean that everyone else would
see it as rude, which I get. My fairly neutral responses, either corroborating
something in the original article or even the "I continue to
disagree" might also be sufficient for some people to realize that they
were being unwelcome and stop. Barring that, saying "I don't like this,
it's rude," could be a reason to stop.
The thing I notice about setting boundaries is that
they can be a way of avoiding conflict, but also of protecting oneself.
Ignoring a clear request for a boundary to be respected shows a lack of regard.
Without saying that only abusers do that, it is something that abusers do.
They both got very insulting. With the one guy, it's
been many years since I have seen him, but the other one had plenty of reason
to know that what she was saying wasn't true, and she said it anyway. I thought
maybe later she would apologize privately, or at least make some indication
that she knew this was not cool, but she didn't.
She didn't know what happened the night before.
Having worked through the People Pleaser chapter, I was writing about what to
do when I need emotional support, and where I could turn, and I had realized
that even though I was seeing her regularly, she was not reliable in that way.
Often when we would see each other, I had been looking forward to having
someone to talk to about something, but we ended up talking about her. I had
tried to explain it away before, but that night I accepted it. Because of this,
her turning on me was not as devastating as it could have been.
It is interesting to me how little anger has come
with so much of this. I'm not angry with her, just like I'm not angry with my
father. They are just people, with their own good points and bad points, like I
have mine. Mainly it is a relief to be able to look at some things and see that
they are not my responsibility. There is a sense of wonder that some things are
not my responsibility and that it's okay.
The big change is the ability to see whether or not
something is good for me, and make decisions based on that. That includes
seeing that some interactions may be neutral, or even somewhat positive, but
that they shouldn't be priorities, because other things are more needed..
Intellectually I find it interesting how calm it is.
This stage is full of acceptance. And despite the calm, I can find a way to
worry about it.
As healthy as it is to know that not everything is
your fault, and sometimes the problem is the other person, or a no fault
incompatibility between two persons, never taking anything as your fault, and
always knowing it is the other person, would also be quite unhealthy.
When I was going over my three psychology books, I
didn't spend a lot of time on A General Theory of Love (I probably need
to look at reading it again), but there was one thing that stayed with me. One
chapter dealt with psychotherapy, and said this:
"What Richard Selzer, M.D., once wrote of
surgery is as true of therapy: only human love keeps this from being the act of
two madmen."
There are dangers to cutting out an appendix, but because
the dangers of leaving it in there are worse, we do it all the time. We look
for ways to make it less dangerous, and we keep going.
There is a lot of discomfort in digging into these
buried feelings and beliefs, and maybe danger too, but it would be worse to
leave them there. That my continued delving leads to me being able to feel more
love - for giving and receiving - that is my reassurance that I am on a path
that works for me.
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