Band Review: Gordy Garris Group

The Gordy Garris Group is an indie rock back from Saginaw, Michigan.

There is a hint of a twang in the vocals that makes the music almost country-adjacent, but too much groove from the instruments to get closer. A good example is the bridge on "Deep Inside". That keeps the music from turning into a Country-Western song, even when the lyrics are sad.

Overall the music is generally catchy, especially on "Liar, Liar" and " Hater".

The band is currently working on a new album and new tour dates, with information available on their web site.

http://www.gordygarrisgroup.com/

https://www.youtube.com/user/gordygarrisgroup

https://twitter.com/gordygarris

Band Review: Blue Nation

Blue Nation is a rock band from Birmingham, England.

They self-describe as "riff driven melodic rock". You are always aware of the guitars, driving through and underscoring the music. It feels like there is a heavy blues influence (with some funk) that goes beyond the guitars and into the emotional content, which tends to be more on the anguished side.

There are elements of the song "Kiss" that remind me of INXS on "Original Sin". At times I think they remind me of Love and Rockets. While Blue Nation does not sound overwhelmingly like them, music hits us in different ways. Fans of the other two bands should check Blue Nation out.

Blue Nation plays regularly in the Birmingham area, with tour dates available on their main page and Facebook.

http://bluenation.co.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/BlueNationMusic

https://www.youtube.com/user/BlueNationMusic

https://soundcloud.com/blue-nation

https://twitter.com/bluenationmusic

Secured

One of my Wants was "Be Financially Secure". I have had to really rethink it.

It is right above "Be Able to Give" on the list, because that is very important to me and they felt linked. It is not the only reason I wanted financial security, because I want things too, like travel. Also I have needs, and there is an abject fear that comes with not knowing how you are going to pay for your medication or keep a roof over your head. But also, other people want and need things, and they can feel that same fear, and I want to be able to step in with that.

I already wrote about being able to give. I can't find which post it was now, but I remember part of my discovery was a reminder that there are things to give besides money. Giving time and kindness has value, and I was doing good things despite being broke. I still desired financial security and I would be really generous then, but at least there were things I could do while I was waiting.

I have not become more financially secure. I have blown through all of my unemployment, and cashed out my 401K, and sometimes it feels like we are bleeding money.

Cashing out the 401K represents a loss of future security, beyond the current concerns. At the same time, some of the best things have happened because of it. That's why I could take Mom to Disneyland and could have my birthday retreat. That's why we could finally replace the couch and have adequate seating.

I know it will run out, and there could be a time when I am an impoverished senior (though my mother only has Social Security). It felt like the right thing to do at the time, perhaps helped by the apparent uncertainty of any future under this administration.

There have been certain ironies. My vision board is still hanging above my monitor. There are things there that represent money, but there were also five travel things. I have been to Disneyland this year. I am going to Italy in May, with layovers in Amsterdam and Rome. The Amsterdam layover is from 9 PM to 9 AM, so I don't think I will be doing any tourist things, but still, I will be there. Perhaps something I can't see now will send me to the Grand Canyon and Atlanta.

At one point during all of this, it occurred to me that financial security just wasn't going to be an option. I wasn't thrilled with that, but I have come to feel better about it. There are two main things that have been factors.

One is that I have started seeing some real abundance in unexpected places. One of them was Disneyland. When I go with my sisters we stay at a place that includes continental breakfast; this didn't. I worried about the expense of buying breakfast, but also of getting Mom ready to go in the morning, so I brought some food along.

It was just six bagels and six granola bars, but it lasted so well and then other things kept coming up. Suddenly there was butter and jam for the bagels. We bought food in the park, but between things lasting and sharing and a couple of gift cards, we really didn't spend that much. It was kind of amazing.

Since then I have been seeing that with groceries too - finding good deals and having things last and go further than I would expect. It makes it easier to trust that needs and wants will be provided in good time.

In addition, I started to see where wanting to be secure might make me less able to give. I have often felt a sense of guilt when I did make donations. I would see the need, and it felt important to give, so I would, but I would be thinking how it was wrong of me and I couldn't afford it and worrying I would regret it later.

As I started to calculate what financial security would mean, the numbers kept rising. It would mean no debt and some savings, but the amount of savings kept creeping up. I am sure some of that is because I don't have regular income now, but just the fact that I don't is a reminder that continued income is not guaranteed. There are enough things that can go wrong that it's kind of an illusion. Feeling that led to some fear that was going to make me kind of stingy. Hoarding doesn't help anyone.

I'm not saying that this situation is tenable for everyone, but it came through some pretty specific circumstances that I don't wish on anyone.

For me, where I am now, I can live with this. There are a lot of things I can't predict, but there have been many times when I had things worked out and the math was laughably wrong. I know what I need to do is this moment of my life, and will do that.

Something will come next.

Calming the eruptions

As gross little things were happening all over my body, little rays of hope appeared as well.

Even before that worst part, I had learned not only that the pain and immobility in my arms was a rotator cuff issue, but that massage could work it out, and that I could do stretches and rub out some pains myself to improve the issue. I may not have always been diligent in attending to it, but at least there was a remedy.

A friend looking out for me became a reminder that I needed social time, and I needed time to myself - both at home and away from home. This would not happen automatically but would require planning and asking for help on my part. That did lead to feeling better, really noticeably. As I did that more, the hives started to go away on their own. I had tried some Benadryl before that, and different creams, but they didn't really help.

I tried other things at different times. Sometimes it seems like doing a facial mask helps with the perioral dermatitis. I try and remember to do that periodically, but it's a hassle, and I don't care as much as I could. The most important thing was the hair.

It was not just that I was itching and scratching so much with the scalp. That did bother me, but also my hair itself was not feeling as good.

I know beauticians can be really down on store brands, but I had always done really well with Pantene. Not long ago the density had changed. I assume they tweaked the formula, but not in a way that worked for me. They also stopped making the moisture masque that I liked, and my hair just kept feeling dryer and rougher. (I like hair masks better than face masks.)

As often as advertisements can be a problem for self-image, sometimes they can help too. This is what I saw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mq2yMY3aZrc

My hair had never felt normal, but maybe smooth manageable hair is the less normal one. The ad worked on my mind, and at one point when I could not stand my hair anymore I went to https://www.sheamoisture.com/ and ordered. Fortunately, my point of being fed up got me into a Cyber Monday special where I got 30 percent off and free shipping.

My hair feels better with products that are more tailored to it. My scalp is a lot better. That was a nice change.

I could do more. I could try and locate that silk nightcap and wear it every night (it prevents moisture loss while you sleep). One friend dries her hair with T-shirts to prevent breakage; is that a thing? Well, there is some dispute on whether a T-shirt is different enough from a towel, or whether you need a microfiber cloth, but those things are out there. I could experiment with different skin products for my face.

Some things will probably change, and some probably won't. The most important part of all of these things has been the me-time and social time, and I recently let those drop. The birthday retreat was really good for me, and then with the Disney trip I was so busy that I hadn't scheduled anything. While the trip was relaxing in some ways, it was still wrapped up in caring for my mother, and it took a toll. I needed replenishment without realizing it, so started running low and had to catch up again. If the things that I enjoy and know are important and that they work get neglected sometimes, the potential hassle that might help a minor skin flaw is at the back of a long line. It's still nice to know that it's there.

There is liberation in knowing that some things can't be helped and that they don't matter that much anyway. Once you have that down, there is also freedom in knowing that there are possibilities.

I break out all over

Shortly after halfway through the year of selfies, I had started to make pretty good peace with my image. I still didn't think I was attractive, but I was at least starting to see that it didn't matter much. Around this time, lots of little things happened to underscore the lack of attractiveness.

The hair coloring mishap didn't help, but I knew that was only temporary. However, it was about that time that I started noticing all of these red streaks across my neck and shoulders. I appeared to have broken out in hives.

That could have been a logical response to stress; I had a great deal at the time. I cannot say that my scalp becoming dryer and itching more was also related to stress, but I was pretty sure that my inability to stop compulsively scratching was.

Some of that could have just been dryer weather, because we were all itching more in general. I noticed that more for my back because my rotator cuffs had really tightened up and scratching any old place myself was not an option.

In addition, after years of having a pretty good complexion without ever having to worry about it that much, suddenly I had these groupings of small red pimples around my mouth and nose.

I did not feel pretty, and I could not blame that on being fat. Previously weight loss was going to be the magic bullet that fixed everything. That theory had been shot full of holes a while ago, and I had come to see how reductive it was. Now I was trying to see things differently, at least partly because of the stress. I had every reason to believe that the sources of stress were going to be around for a while, and chronic stress has side effects way beyond blotchy skin.

My general go-to strategy is to start with internet searches. I learned a few things. That acne is called Perioral Dermatitis. Actually, I guess I just learned one thing.

I read about causes and treatments for hives and perioral dermatitis and dandruff and psoriasis and eczema (because I wasn't sure what my flakes were) and there was a remarkable lack of definition.

It's not that I couldn't go to a dermatologist and get an official diagnosis for my scalp, but it doesn't seem like it would make a lot of difference. For one thing, my symptoms aren't really that bad, comparatively. That is a good reason to not undergo any extreme treatments, but also, a lot of what you can do are things that may help, but probably won't get rid of it all the way. Even very good dermatologists often can't do much about the scalp.

It's even worse for the perioral dermatitis. First of all, one thing I read is that it affects women between the ages of 15 and 45, though it can affect any age group. Even without the "any age group" clause, what a useless age range! Though I guess that means it should clear up before my next birthday. Causes can include steroid use (which doesn't apply but could preclude some other skin remedies), reactions to makeup (that's not it), and excessive drooling. Okay, I hope I would know if I had that, but how does that work? Are pores getting clogged by... never mind, I try to keep the blog from getting too gross without a purpose.

Treatments tend to focus on stopping the cause, but if you can't find a cause, that's not an option. I suspect this is pretty common because among the other suggestions are essential oils, which makes you wonder if they neglected to mention wishing really hard.

It's not that there was nothing I could do - and I will go over that tomorrow - but these are common things where there may not be a lot that anyone can do, and in looking worse, I felt better.

You don't know how embarrassed I have been about my scalp, all of my life. I was so ashamed to have those scales and the compulsive scratching really increased that, but they mean nothing. They may have a genetic component, they probably are related to the thickness of my hair, and I think they would get really bad with dreadlocks. Maybe I could get rid of them by shaving my head, but if the goal is attractiveness I do not believe the shape of my head lends itself well to this remedy. This is just how I look, and it doesn't matter.

I am not an actress or model or newscaster. There are people for whom personal appearance does matter. If they have to go to extremes and eliminate the Whole-30 foods for the rest of their lives plus a multi-stage daily facial cleanse, that could be worth it to them. Or it might not matter because they might have good makeup artists and some airbrushing to help.

For me, it just wasn't going to pay off to fret about it.

Band Review: Eva Plays Dead

Eva Plays Dead is a rock band from Nottingham/Derby.

With strident guitars and raucous vocals, there is a hard edge on the rock. It is often a good time, but it never stops being in your face. They self-describe as "no-nonsense".

I think this is particularly evident on "We're Gonna Make It", featuring Joe Hill of Grand Ultra. The intro vibrates with an energy that is too strong to be called quivering, despite similarities in motion.

For those who like the energy of hardcore but not its frequent lack of musicality, Eva Plays Dead may be a good match.

http://www.evaplaysdead.com/

https://www.facebook.com/EvaPlaysDead/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtkMrJHe5tmhT405PLi3KEg

https://twitter.com/EvaPlaysDead

Band Review: J.Saunders

I have really hated listening to J.Saunders.

He apparently also goes by 2 Pistols, though I never saw an explanation of when to use which name.

I did think it was a bad sign when I saw that he linked to an Instagram profile instead of something where you could listen to music, but it is not completely unheard of. It was nonetheless easy enough to find a way to listen, with an EP available on Spotify.

The problem isn't really the music - nothing made me sit up and take notice, but nothing was terrible either. I just can't get into the lyrical content.

I know bragging and sex and use of the N-word are all traditional, but still there are artists who rise above it and have songs that are about something. Often they are musically better, and it elevates them. In this case there were a few songs I didn't care for and one I hated.

The hated one was "Fantasy", all about how he wants her to be dressed and ready for him and carry out his fantasy. Consideration of a partner's needs can be a reasonable part of a relationship, but I thought it came off as incredibly dehumanizing to the woman. Maybe it was her calling him "Daddy", or her baby voice - I only know that my reaction was disgust and hate.

I remain completely aware that not everyone will have the same reaction to him, but this is how I feel.

https://www.instagram.com/TheReal2Pistols/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpp1tJnQbYaYg2_VTt5xj5g

https://twitter.com/2pistols

A year of selfies

I've done it. I've made it through a year of taking a selfie and posting it every day, except for a couple of days where I forgot and then made up for it by posting additional ones on following days.

It kind of went in quarters. For the first quarter it was uncomfortable. I did not like these pictures. It was nice that other people liked them, but I was cringing every time.

I think it was around the end of that first three months that I stopped cringing. It wasn't that I started liking how they looked, but I had gotten used to it. This is how I look people!

It was also about that point that I started seeing how important they were. So many people had lost relatives and wished they had more pictures of them. Most women seem to hate having their pictures taken, but no matter what flaws they see in pictures, their children think they are beautiful. They will want pictures.

I am single and childless, with a family of siblings who would also rather never have their picture taken, but maybe we will miss looking at each other someday. We are starting to wish we had more recent pictures as our mother's memory deteriorates. Also, other people enjoy my pictures.

After six months I started noticing other people avoiding having their pictures taken. I want to tell them that they're beautiful, but I still don't feel beautiful, and I will let you take my picture, so it's not exactly that.

People have told me that I am beautiful, and I have complicated feelings about that.

Sometimes people will tell me that I look like I have lost weight. The scale is usually not in agreement. However, when I was drawing in October I was liking my selfies more too, and I think it was because drawing made me happy. Setting aside the issue of whether the first interpretation of looking better should be an assumption of weight loss, I do think that happiness can be beautiful.

I could then take it that when people are complimenting my beauty, they are really complimenting my happiness, but that's a little patronizing. If they are better than I have been at seeing that beauty and fat are not mutually exclusive, that's really important and I should respect that. And if they care about me, and like seeing me because of that, I can appreciate that. Besides, it's like Roald Dahl says:

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

So then it became harder to keep good thoughts, and the last three months have been very difficult. There has been frustration and grief and inability at times to get things done. I am less happy with those pictures, but then I am less happy with me. So, I need to be happy with the person I am, which means writing and drawing and being kind, but absolutely also means not staying up late playing computer games (I relapsed).

I can totally see the value of selfie sticks now, because arm's length does not always give you the best view. Maybe a new project could involve having other people take pictures of me. I don't know. I do know that this has been good for me. 

And selfies will continue, if not with the same regularity.

Selfie posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/03/selfies.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/03/glamour-less-shots.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/05/more-selfies.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-snow-white-selife-shoot.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/11/inktober.html

Back from Cali

After posting yesterday, it occurred to me that it might have been more helpful to post what had been covered (and changed from red to black in the spreadsheet). I might do some reviews as I get further along, but I am focused more on what needs to be done. Also, things always come back.

For example, I remember thinking about the Disneyland trip in advance, and thinking that would be a good time to cover the "Worried about Mom" line of the Problems, but then I saw I had already covered it. Writing once does not mean I will never write again, and I would like to say a little about the trip.

It did give me fodder for the travel blog (which will include a post on traveling with special needs), so that met one purpose. Another hope I had was that it might reset Mom's brain a little, so that maybe she would recognize home and my sisters. Before we even went I realized that she does recognize them sometimes, and that doesn't stop her from not knowing them a little bit later. Both ended up being true, she was more accepting of this being home the night we got back, but there are still times when she doesn't know. It did at least give a break to my sisters for being asked where they were, and a chance for Mom not to obsess about where they were, because obviously we were away and they weren't going to be there.

I said that this trip was for Mom (the birthday retreat was for me), but my family was hoping it would still be a break for me. A family friend thought it would be horrible for me. The reality was somewhere in the middle. It was not the type of vacation that I normally take, where I like to be pretty active. We sat and watched a lot. I went on a total of five rides over the two days, plus the Enchanted Tiki Room. I guess the Monorail can count too. Generally we average thirteen rides a day. I knew it was going to be like that.

When I go on trips other than Disneyland, I try and see as much as possible. I kind of got that in here, making a point to get the two refurbished rides and try some new restaurants. Also, Disneyland is a great place to sit and watch, even if I normally prefer to spend less time doing that. It was a break for Mom, and in that way it was a break for me. I still worried and had to be attentive, but it was still a change of pace; that makes a difference.

I came away feeling pretty good, but then we landed and it was really cold and Mom's coat - which had been fine for the trip there - was insufficient, and we had to wait a long time for our ride, and the furnace had stopped working (again), so she was still cold when we got home, and I have a two-faced person I am dealing with that is hard. Also, I had been really restored by the birthday retreat, but then there was so much going on that I had not planned for other social or alone times, plus I had not thought about how the trip itself would take enough out of me to require recharging, and then everything looked kind of bad again.

I worked out some more alone time and was starting to recover, but then Mom started getting really emotional and morbid, which is why we are working on the medication change. That's just how it goes - I need to take care of her, and I need to take care of myself too.

I have been thinking about it more, because it looks like the next step is sleeping in her room at night. For a long time she kept being surprised that I wasn't coming with her, I think because she was so sure we were guests here. I thought it was better to reinforce that we were home and we all have our own rooms.

Lately though, she call me more at night to check where everyone is, and physical proximity has been a big issue for her comfort. Also, one of our cats keeps calling me in there. I go and stay for a while, but then come back to my room, and now I am feeling like maybe I should just stay. Part of me is rebelling, because it's giving up one more space, but if it makes other things better, it could balance. I still need to remember to socialize and to get time alone, and to explore new things. It is critical. 

I had an image come to me a while back. The worst part of Alzheimer's is that it keeps getting worse, and then death. It seems inevitable that there would be some relief with that, and a lot of guilt with the relief. I am trying to navigate now so that I can be okay with her life and her death both, which may be too much to ask for. But in this image, I could see myself being so depleted by caring for her that upon her death nothing was left and I got sick.

That is not impossible. I had the thought before reading Rampage, but two of the teachers who had harder times after the shooting got very sick, and their diseases were ones that made the stress connection plausible. Part of that is that they were not given any time off to recover, because the administration decided that the teachers needed to be there for the kids. It was good to care about the kids, but they needed to care for the adults too.

I can't forget that balance now. I want to be here for my mother as much as she needs me, but I want my life too. I want us both to have beautiful, radiant things. It's worth fighting for, but more to the point, it's worth planning and asking for.

So not finished

There are some important milestones coming up this week.

Wednesday is the anniversary of my year of selfies. Technically, the 365th one gets taken Tuesday, but I will certainly post a selfie Wednesday and write something about that project.

Saturday, March 4th, will be a year since my last day of work. It wasn't the day I found out about the layoff, and it wasn't the last day of pay because the severance lasted for another two months, but March 4th is the day that sticks.

At one point when working on these many, many things to improve myself, I had decided to target March 1st for completion, which seemed possible if not easy. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Some of that completion includes treating in the blog, and that could have been more possible if I had only blogged about that and nothing else, but I don't regret the tangents. They go along with everything. I don't know how many people read every post, but they build on each other. That could make some posts less accessible to new readers. I don't mean to do that, but I am aware of the connections between things and try to explore that in a clear and logical way. And that wouldn't be helped by significantly longer posts, so I spread things out.

This has been a hard year, but there have been good things in it, and I hope more good things will come from it. I also know that completion is a loaded term. As I deal with some things, I can see other issues that have not been dealt with, and possible ways of dealing with that, but that maybe aren't for right now. I never expected to come out of it completely perfect.

The need for constant work has been brought home a bit more recently. I had struggled, and gotten to a point where I felt like I was doing really well, where "serene" could be a reasonable adjective for me, and then all of a sudden it wasn't. I am in another adjustment period, coping with this new phase, and adapting to it.

And life goes on.

So there will be lots of deep and heartfelt and funny and pathetic things to write about over at least another month, and even when that is done the writing will go on. If you are wondering what topics have not been covered yet (which items are still marked in red on the spreadsheet), I am including that information - categorized - down below:

Problems

Disconnected from Body

Fat

I don't believe I can be loved

Can't drive

Bad feelings about Dad

Shoulders ache

Feel burdened

Wants

Be connected to body

See good in myself

Travel

Have flying dreams

Be financially secure

Not have loneliness be a problem

Be okay with appearance

To Do

Meet physical needs

Moderate changes

Create comics for other works

Work on family history

Complete contacting singles

Transcribe mission journal

Bridgestone course

Other driving classes

Books

Cinderella At My Daughter

Wintergirls

The Beauty Myth

The Feminine Mystique

Packaging Girlhood

Also, as new things To Do became apparent in the course of the work, two things were added that remain glaring at me in red.

Guitar

Massage

Band Review: Stevie Wonder

Regular readers may have noticed a reversal, where the travel blog post went up yesterday, and the traditional Friday music review is going up really late Saturday, That is because Stevie Wonder has such an extensive catalog that I have been locating and listening to his music for over two weeks now. I should have started three weeks early.

It was worth the time, and it felt very necessary. I had written him down for review a while ago, when Feminista Jones had recommended him, especially for Fulfillingess. Critical mass was reached as Franchesca Ramsey recommended Songs in the Key of Life and Sassycrass started talking about him, and it felt like everyone was talking about "Happy Birthday". It was just time.

I am glad I went through the entire catalog. There were good memories and new finds and some clarifications on partial memories. I still do not feel in any way equipped to do a normal review, so this will just be thoughts and impressions.

I went through chronologically, and found great growth. That makes sense. He started as a child, and he was a gifted child, but there was still all of this experience to gain (and a voice to change). I didn't like  With a Song in My Heart much, and Tribute to Uncle Ray seemed gimmicky, though that could have just been that someone so young lacked the gravitas that Ray Charles brings, and suffers by comparison.

The early exception was The Jazz Soul of Little Stevie. I know they were mostly songs by other people, so the background was probably similar to the other albums, but it is amazing. Being instrumental takes away any reminders of his youth (though you still know), and the music is so alive! That is where I hear why he is a "wonder" and get an idea of how much of a prodigy he must have been.

Stevie at the Beach through I Was Made to Love Her (1964 - 1967) were better, with him finding his voice and coming into his own. Part of that growing up would include getting married and letting his contract expire in 1971 so that he could establish terms with more control. I don't know if all of those decisions came from what he learned working with the label, or how much his wife helped with that navigation. Syreeta Wright had been a secretary for Motown, as well as a songwriter, and secretaries know things. It is interesting to me because lately I have come across more cases of recording contracts stifling careers instead of helping them. I am curious about that.

It becomes an interesting period. 1968's For Once In My Life is growing funkier, and 1969's My Cherie Amour sets familiar lyrics to some really different tunes, so there is playfulness and development already, but Music of My Mind - 1972, so now out of the old contract - feels a lot more experimental, and Fulfillingness' First Finale in 1974 sounds more mature. If I can't necessarily articulate what makes them sound that way to me, I still trust that Wonder knew what he was doing and was making choices that led to growth.

I'm going to say one more thing about his youth (and then he is getting older anyway), but I read that Where I'm Coming From (1971) was compared unfavorably to Marvin Gaye's What's Going On which also came out that year, so I listened to that too.

On one level I think the critics were being overly harsh, but I have to admit that What's Going On is a gut punch. I had heard some of the songs, but putting them all together it's on a whole different level. It makes sense that the man who was a little over a decade older and painfully divorced is channeling a deeper pain than the newlywed 21 year old. That doesn't mean that the younger one doesn't have anything to say; but it's different.

Both of those albums were attempts to explore and try new things. One thing Wonder's contemporaries know him for is his ability to hear new possibilities, especially with new ways of using instruments. I learned that he is also a bit of a technology junkie, which makes sense. There was a lot of use of synthesizers on Stevie Wonder's Journey Through The Secret Life of Plants, still pretty new at the time.

That one got a lot of criticism too, though that may be more related to the movie itself, which was considered pseudoscience. It sounds very New Age-y, but I know it references things that came in the sequel to A Wrinkle in Time so I suspect it fit in with the era.

The music is interesting, and often moving. Without seeing the movie I can't know how well it fits, but the thing that amazed me reading about that is that Wonder a description of what was going on and how long the segment took, and had to compose that way. I keep forgetting that he's blind.

I mean, I know, but I forget what it means, and what it would make difficult, because he just does things anyway. His discography includes three film soundtracks, without him ever being able to watch the films. It's astounding.

New discoveries I liked included "More Than A Dream", "Ruby", "If You Really Love Me", "You and I", and "Don't You Worry About A Thing". Fulfillingness is good, but I responded more to Songs in the Key of Life. That had "Contusion" and "Another Star", plus "Easy Goin' Evening (My Mama's Call)" which I just think is brilliant; I can't explain way. I like "Rocket Love" and "Land of La La", "One of a Kind" and "It's You".

"Happy Birthday" is great, and despite loss it is so joyful. That was another thing that was interesting. I'd heard "Sir Duke" before, but I didn't understand that it was a tribute, and in part that tribute came from people dying before he could collaborate with them. Missed opportunities make a lot of sad songs, but also you can just be grateful those people existed.

I like "Cold Chill" and "Sorry". (I have no idea what I will choose for his song of the day, but once I listen, all songs are in play forever.) "If Your Love Cannot Be Moved" is very dramatic; it's hard to believe that it is on the same album as "Moon Blue" which has such a different tone. And I liked "Passionate Raindrops" and "A Time to Love" too.

He is wonderful.

http://www.steviewonder.net/

https://www.facebook.com/StevieWonder/

Band Review: Noname

Noname is a rap artist based in Chicago. She recently played Portland, supporting her 2016 album Telefone. I listened to her this week based on a blurb in the Arts & Entertainment section of The Oregonian last week.

The release date is significant, because she has been on the scene since 2010, contributing to other projects, including on "Lost" with Chance the Rapper in 2013 (the same year Telefone was announced). The blurb mentioned that, and I remembered that as I started listening and found the music hard to get into.

Noname uses some jarring notes and patterns. That can include a faint ring on "All I Need" that keeps me checking my phone, or an overlay of competing sounds on "Sunny Duet". This keeps the listener off-balance, rather than being able to settle easily into the music.

For someone who has taken so much time working out what she wants to say, I have to assume that is a deliberate choice. As repeated listening leads to familiarity the discomfort subsides, but before that you have heard.

As that happens I start to hear possible scat influences. I hear some quiet and lovely accents. I hear an undercurrent of fear because society is never safe for some people. There is still caring and beauty, but it is impossible to relax, depending on your skin color.

So yeah, the music shouldn't be relaxing. It reinforces what life is like.

http://www.nonamehiding.com/

https://www.facebook.com/nonameraps/

https://soundcloud.com/noname

https://twitter.com/noname

Drug trade

We are currently changing some medications for my mother. I have mentioned how anxiety exacerbates her dementia, and we sort of got into a worse place. It seemed necessary to increase a dose, or change it, or add to it.

I read a lot, but in the realm of anxiety and depression and the meds that help them, most of what I know is from listening to people. One thing I have learned is that a lot of people have a bad reaction to Xanax. It makes them feel sicker than they have ever felt in their lives. Another thing I have learned is that doctors often want to try it first. I was not sure whether that was an issue of the doctors liking it because pharmaceutical reps give them nice things or insurance companies preferring it because it was cheap. It sounds like it is more the cheapness.

I agree that cost-effectiveness is important. For all the things that might make you feel uncomfortable about the pharmaceutical reps, I have benefited from medical samples and things that my doctor passed on to me. There is plenty of room for debate on whether health should be a business, but there's no question that it currently is.

That being said, when a patient is seeking relief, given the ramping up times and the weaning off times that are involved in starting and quitting the different drugs, giving them an extra month of feeling sick just in case the cheaper one might work seems to fly in the face of "First do no harm."

And I certainly didn't have time for it, so that was something that I was ready to fight for in our situation. I didn't start out fighting, but fortunately I know what all of the blood relatives are taking and who has had bad reactions to what, and good reactions. While there were other ways in which the transaction was not completely satisfactory, everyone was at least agreed that we weren't going to try Xanax. Knowing family medical history helps.

For example, if a sudden medical reaction set off a panic attack that brought a person's latent anxiety to the forefront (like maybe she'd always been kind of uptight before, but it was manageable), then it would be helpful to know that a genetically identical sibling's anxiety was being successfully treated with Zoloft; don't bother with the Xanax. That's what ended up happening anyway, but first, one extra month of sick.

However, that is not the only way in which knowing family medical history can be important. Hypothetically, knowing that the genetically identical sibling has anxiety could be a really good reason to not prescribe a medication like Wellbutrin (Buproprion), which seems to be really effective at pushing people over the edge into anxiety.

Maybe it wasn't commonly known at the time. I only found out because I started doing some research after the fact, but you would hope that the doctor would have known. Studies are not in complete agreement, but there are enough reports where it seems like a risk.

Of course, you also have to consider the risk from the other side. What is being treated? What happens if you don't take the medication? Wellbutrin is an antidepressant and smoking cessation aid. Smoking is very deadly, though you need to weigh that against increased risk for anxiety and for epileptic seizures.

However, this patient was not a smoker. She was prescribed it as something that could possibly help with weight loss. That's not what it's for, but over 6 to 12 months you can lose about 2.7 kg over the placebo group. That's almost 6 pounds! Except that she was not able to take it for even one month, because it made her really sick and brought on debilitating anxiety that required a lot of medication and time before things started becoming normal again.

I wanted that doctor fired. The patient disagreed and continues to go there, and nothing that bad has happened since, which I guess makes it all okay.

I believe in that case the problem is a belief that nothing else can be as bad as being fat. If the patient is desperate to lose weight, and the doctor believes that is the key priority to good health, it's simple logic. Aren't seizure and anxiety better than fat? Even only six pounds of it?

And thus we transition to the portion of the blogging where I will start writing about being fat. We'll start Monday.

ETA: Just found this: https://projects.propublica.org/docdollars/

Consumer advocates

Over the course of the long reading list, one common source of frustration was how often businesses or government entities will look right past your humanity. I am not a gadget, but I am also not a product. I don't want to be seen as a customer or a brand or anything where I get reduced to a market value. That will be explored further, but one book gave me a different take on seeing yourself as a customer:

The Day the Voices Stopped, by Ken Steele

I read it for hope. Depression, PTSD, and eating disorders were most common among my people, and there were some with bipolar disorder, but schizophrenia was relatively rare. There were still some cases, including with one of the girls I got especially close to. In addition, although schizophrenia can be more dramatic in how it distorts reality, there were still a lot of distorted perceptions with the eating disorders, and dangerous voices inside their heads with the depression. It was important for me to know that could stop.

The book was very affirming in that sense, but there was another lesson that I am starting to understand now. Steele's experiences - often horrific - led to him becoming a mental health advocate, and it was centered on treating the mentally ill as consumers rather than patients.

It sounded odd to me at first; there are illnesses being treated. However, thinking as a consumer instead of as a patient focuses on choice, and it means critical analysis on the performance of the doctors.

Let's go back to that friend who was sure that the talking cure was the only real remedy for depression, and that medications were only valuable for the assistance that they could provide on the way to a cure. At the time I thought that meant his issues were probably more traumas that he needed to work out, rather than any chemical imbalances - all of which seemed reasonable based on other things that I knew about him.

I have since had two other thoughts, neither of which really contradict the first thought. One is that I suspect this is what his therapist told him, influencing that belief. Also, if he could believe that, then his therapist was working out for him.

I am glad for that, but it is not automatic. I read an article a couple of years ago that I can't find now, but it was about one young woman's attempt to find the right therapist, and it took her four or five attempts. Sometimes the therapist was at fault, like the one that was romantically interested in her (huge red flag). If you are trying to heal from abuse, an excellent therapist whose features or voice are similar to your abuser may not be able to get very far. But also, maybe you just need someone who used a different method, or doesn't have a prejudice against the religion that is important to you, or someone with a different perspective.

There are a lot of different ways that things can work out. Timing can be a factor. I know someone who tried desensitization therapy. It was not working then, but over time she was able to build up strength for the stressful activity; maybe it can be sped up for some people and not others. The human mind is a complicated part of a complicated species.

That frustrates people. Dear friends will tell you that you need to get over something, and try practicing tough love on you. It might help, but it might not. People who have had success with one type of therapy will be sure that it's what you need, but may be ignorant of many contributing factors that affect how it will work for someone else. And your doctor will go by many past patients, which may not work for you.

Ken Steele faced a lot of terrible side effects over the years. Some of that was probably due to the medication still being developed; we have more and better options now. He was at times harmed by doctors not listening when he would tell them how a certain medication made him feel. That's why patients need to be able to fire their doctors. That's why it helps to be able to think as a customer.

There have been some advances in mental health parity, but there are shortcomings in coverage for physical health too. There is also a line drawn between physical and mental health which can be somewhat illusory.

I looked into becoming a home healthcare worker for my mother. I was told that her needing supervision was not enough; she would actually need to require help getting dressed and feeding herself and things like that. I know of other cases where admittance into a home that is needed due to dementia is not covered because it is only affecting the mind. These are issues that cause real distress for families, and they are also ones where the patient cannot be their own advocate.

That may seem like a case where a consumer mindset won't help, but believing that things can and should be better may be easier for someone remembering that the people you are dealing with are being paid for their answers. They are employees. Maybe you need to go up a level to a supervisor. Maybe you need to push for consumer protection and broader offerings.

I am thinking now of someone in treatment for anxiety and depression that has become debilitating and who is not making much progress yet. I do believe in that "yet". Maybe she needs more time, or a different combination of medications. Maybe she needs to change care providers.

There can be a lot of hassle involved in that, so success is going to require two things. One is that belief that improvement is possible. For all of the pain out there, I see improvement all of the time. If one path is not working, it does not mean there is no hope for you. It may mean that you need to change directions.

And because there can be so much hassle and discouragement, there should be support. Reaching out and trusting can also be hard, but we can all work on making that easier. We can be more understanding. We can be more informed on how things work. We can be kinder. We can listen to hear the things we don't know, instead of trying to make everything fit into our comfort zone.

We can be there for each other. And we need to.

Related posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-very-long-reading-list.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/09/its-not-binary.html