Dressing up was one of the items on my To Do list,
but when I wrote it I was not sure what that would mean.
I had been thinking about it from when I realized
that I hadn't had the heart to really get into Halloween costumes for a long
time. I love the creativity of Halloween, and costumes can be a great part of
that, but they hadn't been for me.
You may not know this, but I love a lot of people
who get really into dressing up. Some of my favorite people from college are
the children of Merry Pranksters. Sometimes you don't even realize that they
are in a costume because they try so many looks. My Chemical Romance and James
Dewees? Yeah, they dress up. I have a friend from school who runs races in
costumes. I love them and the things they do, but they have also been
inconceivable to me.
One thing I like about myself is that I enjoy other
people's enjoyment. If there is a thing that you are passionate about and I
have never and probably will never try it, I will still easily enjoy listening
to you talk about it, because it's great that you love it. Still, the dressing
up problem went beyond a lack of interest.
I am used to not looking good. It is a deep source
of pain, but it has also been one that I have usually pushed to the side: no
one is looking at me that way, so it doesn't matter how I look. That works when
I am wearing my usual neutral clothing, but when I try to go beyond that, I do
feel it. Costumes go beyond that. Trying to look nice goes beyond that. Trying
things on looking for a nice outfit is agonizing, because everything just
reminds me that I'm fat and hideous. I'm better off in my knits.
I wasn't sure how to go against that. Different
thoughts included going bare-legged more so that the bad leg was out,
cosplaying, dressing up for Halloween, or dressing up fancy for something like
New Year's Eve. I decided on all of the above.
Frankly, our laundry issues have been really helpful
in going bare-legged, as I am much more likely to run out of pants. That has
also not been that big a deal. Okay, maybe some people notice, but maybe it's
not quite that freakish - at least not more than simply having fat,
not-that-shapely legs.
Cosplaying was going to take more effort, and it
nearly caught me off guard, but Saturday was Rose City Comic Con and I did it.
More on that tomorrow.
For now, besides realizing how quickly Halloween
will arrive, all I can really promise is that I will continue to face things
head-on. It is not great for my self-esteem that I feel built like a freight
train, but I can still take some inspiration from it.
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