This phase of my life has me on edge a lot. I am
worse at my compulsive behaviors, like computer games and picking at things. I
might lose my temper in a semi-calculated way, like the incident Saturday
night. I am trying to focus on things and behaviors that distance me from the
edge, but there is one thing that I imagine could make me go off on a person.
It's a silly, minor thing, but it will help me get into the next blogging
phase, where I will be looking at social and political issues again (did you
know there's an election coming?), so we're going to discuss it.
I have in my mind this idea of someone tentatively
asking me "Do you think you might be depressed?", and me responding
loudly "Of course I'm depressed! What kind of a stupid question is that?
How would I not be?"
The weird thing is I state the obvious all the time,
at least for humorous effect, but I feel like it would bug me.
The thing is, there doesn't seem to be a point in
identifying it. My brain chemistry is functioning normally. I haven't finished
the hormone book yet, but they seem pretty normal too. I just have some
long-term stressful situations in my life that are bringing me down. I have to
manage it on that level.
The post Monday will focus more on defining
depression, because there are people who would not consider this to be
depression in the absence of a brain chemistry issue, but we'll get there. For
now I just want to go over two things that don't help.
I did have a silver lining. A few months ago, Mom
started really enjoying her food more. This was gratifying in multiple ways.
She was complimenting my cooking a lot, even though I wasn't really doing
anything different. Even a decision to have raw baby carrots with the meal -
which is not cooking, per se - was greatly appreciated. She thought they were
better than candy. I had read that often with the elderly they start having
poor appetites and being picky, where you may not be able to get them to eat a
balanced diet, so it was a pleasant surprise.
That has ended. It's not just that there are no more
exclamations, but there is a resistance to drinking enough and to eating fruits
and vegetables. I believe it is because she worries about having to go to the
bathroom too much, because she doesn't feel at home. However, shortly after
that shift she also started complaining about her stomach gurgling and her not
feeling well, and I think it's connected. I have tried talking with her about
it, but turning down the fruit or beverage in that moment doesn't feel like a
new habit, it feels like that one time. I know that she hasn't eaten her daily
apple for several days now, but she doesn't believe it. (She does still eat her
daily oatmeal, for which I am grateful.)
I am working on ways of getting around that, but
that was a disappointment. It was something that made things harder, and
reminded me that there will be more changes, probably not for the better.
The other thing that gets pointed out as fortunate
is my unemployment, because I can be here with her. Yes, but it is also a
depressing element. I am barely squeaking by on unemployment, and it will not
last forever. I feel guilty spending money on anything fun, and those are on
pretty minor things. There's not a lot to look forward to.
In addition, to keep the employment going, you have
to keep applying for jobs. That also makes sense, because of the whole having
money thing, but job searching is demoralizing enough on its own. I keep
getting rejection messages, where they went with someone who was better qualified
or a better fit, but I would have been a great fit for a lot of them. And if
there is some element of relief because I can still be here, there are still
feelings of insecurity and worthlessness and fear.
I have been in worse mental states than this, but
based on energy, motivation, and ideation, I feel comfortable saying I am
depressed. I am also comfortable in feeling that time management, self-care,
and stress relief practices are necessary in my case, and that SSRIs and
therapy aren't (without ruling out the possibility of them being helpful).
It is possible that I resent my life being in its
current state, or just that there is enough other energy being expended that I
have a shorter fuse, but I do not think that I would respond to the general
question well. And maybe that would be someone pussyfooting around when I only
have time to get straight to the point, or maybe it would be if someone thought
they were being profound with the really obvious.
It just feels like a sensitive issue.
1 comment:
Oh my dear friend, yes I can relate.
So brave for sharing. I struggle with admitting such things just to myself.
Post a Comment