I don’t have to like the Duggars

One key difference between Maria and I relates to opinion. It is not that we are not equally opinionated, or even that our opinions tend to be that different, but she tends to be a bit more impulsive and vocal. Part of what this means is that if there is something she does not like, she will feel the need to state that every time it comes up, just in case we have forgotten. Also, sometimes she will hear something, and have a strong reaction which is immediately posted on Facebook, and may set off a small firestorm, whereas if I do that I have thought about it carefully before posting. (Julie is somewhere in between.)

The genesis of this blog was a wall posting where Maria had said something about the Duggars. I believe it was that they made her want to vomit. It elicited a strong response. I don’t think I commented, but I did think about it a lot, and I guess I saved those thoughts up. It is not that if you are pro-Duggar you will not be offended by this post—you very well could be—but I am trying to make it measured and reasoned, and there will be no vomit.

Part of my thinking on it so much is because often it is acquaintances from church who have the strongest reactions, and I believe their reasons for being pro-Duggar are fallacious, and bad thinking is pretty much my nemesis, so I was always going to have to weigh in sooner or later.

The common defenses are that they are a happy loving family, with clean, polite kids, and that no one is helping to support them. Keeping kids clean with no outside support is setting the bar pretty low, actually. Happy, loving, and polite are better accomplishments, though there may be some asterisks. I wanted to mention the clean, though, because it comes up so much.

I also need to disagree with the no outside support part. Sure, they are not on welfare, and that is great, but they are making money on that show.  Estimates have a pretty broad range, but even if it is the low estimate of $40K per episode, that comes to a huge amount of money, plus it provides a market for the books and DVDs. I know it’s a lot of people, but I could manage, especially since they seem to be pretty cheap. Also, various expenses get underwritten by TLC. In my view, this money comes from exploiting the children, so it’s not really so much nobler than welfare. I admit to a strong distaste for reality TV anyway, but I feel better about fame-hungry adults choosing it than greedy parents getting children into it who do not grasp the full ramifications.

These may not be the strongest refutations of the praise that people give the Duggars, but my main concern is what I perceive as the reasons people praise the Duggars. The most vociferous ones tend to be religious and have big families, and I think they feel sensitive about this, so I get it, but they are missing some key points.

First of all, there is not really that much similarity. On average, they have between 5 and 7 kids. Yes, that is a large family, and there are people who will look askance at you for that, but 19 kids? That is three large families. That is something completely different.

Also, there is this idea that LDS people believe in having large families, but that is not exactly right. What we are told constantly is that the family, which is eternal, is more important than material things or fame or prestige. So deciding to only have one child so they could have private schools and European vacations and Mom and Dad can both drive fancy cars would seem like a clearly wrong choice, just like focusing so much on rising in your career that you never saw your family would be bad. We are advised not to put off things just for the purpose of more money. (A three year engagement so your wedding could be the social event of the year would also be ill-advised.)

Still, with all of that being said, no one is saying have a lot of kids. There is a lot about making these decisions prayerfully, and with good values in mind, but there is generally this understanding that it is going to be highly personalized. This includes understanding that it is not solely an issue of financial resources, but also of mental and emotional and physical resources. One thing that I have heard from two friends recently (one a mother of two and one a mother of six) is that there is a trade-off with additional kids. You do have finite time, that you are dividing, so the mother of six has to let some things go, and she can do a good job of that or a bad job, but it is different.

Now, one could argue that the Duggars reached their decision on family size based on revelation, because after all, it came from a pregnancy that started and then was miscarried while the wife was on birth control, and that is why they know that they should never use birth control ever. There are so many problems with this.

First of all, and I say this as a religious and spiritual person who is always looking for meaning, it is not helpful to think of God as the micromanager of your life, always looking to stick it to you when you step out of bounds. If life worked that way, there would be less need for faith, and less choice. Yes, everything does happen for a reason, but sometimes that reason is that a specific person is a jerk, or chemicals becoming a part of the environment, or carelessness on an assembly line.

So let’s say there is a message in the pregnancy and miscarriage, it could merely be that her body does not respond well to this medication. It could be that they should not be putting off having children at that time. It does not have to automatically mean that they can never use any type of birth control ever again, not even the rhythm method, and must just spit out the kids as fast as they come.

I remember reading a column by Leonard Pitts once about people who had felt called of God to do certain things, usually something where they gave up lucrative careers for ones where they could be of more service, and one thing he pointed out was that they had a lot of doubt, and they had to ask more than once. (It was contrasted with an abortion related killing, I think predating Tiller, but I don’t remember, but that person was absolutely certain that they were doing God’s will.)

There is doubt and questioning, where you pray more, and maybe your original understanding is changed—not necessarily that you were wrong, but you are picking up different nuances and a deeper understanding. I have had clear, unequivocal instructions once, to go on a mission, but even then, while it was something that would affect my entire life, it was also something fairly finite. I knew I would go when I was twenty-one (which was seven months away), I knew I would go for 18 months (because that’s how it works), and I needed a firm direction because I had been really trying to avoid hearing it. That worked out. Most of the time though, it is reasonable to check back, and okay to modify.

The Duggars have stuck with their original plan, which is probably not great on Michelle’s body, and which may indicate that the children are not getting nursed for as long as would be ideal (maybe she’s just super-fertile), and half of the children are caretakers of the other half. Now, I am all for children taking responsibility and helping around the house, which I think is very important, but looking at pictures and how young they look, that looks too young to be in charge of a child so young, or to be in the care of a child only a few years older.

In addition, I am dubious about the home schooling. I know it is something that can be done well, but I also know one family that claimed they did it because their child was too smart and bored to do well at school. No, your child is lazy. This does not mean he is not smart—that could be how he got lazy (trust me; I know this one)—but catering to it is not the answer. Try a Montessori program or something to increase challenges. Rebecca Skloot, author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, was first exposed to the HeLa line in a PCC class that she was in because she did need more challenges.

I’m not saying that there are not specific cases where home schooling, especially for a limited time, might not be beneficial to a child, but most people seem to use it as a way to try and keep their children from being contaminated by the world. I find this distasteful because the riff-raff are children of God too, and there is much that is beautiful and good in the least of us, but I also find it stupid. In much the same way that vaccinations build immunity by some exposure, being familiar with the rough edges of life in childhood, while still somewhat sheltered, can make you a healthier adult. There are young people that I think are going to fall off the rails spectacularly at some point, because they have no preparation for different viewpoints, or seeing forbidden fruit that looks delicious and is really being enjoyed by those partaking, and it’s tragic.

The other concern that I have is that the politeness might be more a matter of lack of personality and free will, especially for the girls. This is a somewhat instinctive, but religion does often tend this way, especially this type, and other things I have read, like a sick pregnant woman (daughter in law) still having to go on an awful tour, and bits you read here and there, and the behavior of other fundamentalist home schoolers, and yeah, I am not down with this. To be fair, I don’t think my parents specifically tried to make me the independent individual I am today (Dad hasn’t been too pleased, as far as I can tell), but of all the things I dislike about myself, that is one I am really okay with, and I can do a lot more, and be much more useful to my fellow man because of it.

So there it is. There is no vomit, and nothing about world overpopulation, just a general sense of unease and distaste. I don’t think they are evil, but I don’t like them, and I don’t have to like them. I am confident about that.