I don’t
really remember much about the feminist movement. I suspect that episode of the
Brady Bunch where Marcia became a scout and Peter became a sunflower girl was
somehow connected, but it falls in that period where I was alive but not
politically aware, and it is too recent to really get covered in school.
While you
certainly see women doing all types of jobs now, they usually do it earning 80%
less than men. This is not good for women, but it is not particularly good for
men either. One twisted Romney claim is that Obama has been bad for women,
because 92% of the people who lost their jobs during his presidency were women.
Barring the question of whether job losses during the first few months of his
presidency can be blamed on him, the real issue is that most of the men who
lost their jobs had already done so before he was sworn in. This is largely
because they made more, so they were let go first. (So if men feel threatened
by the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, they should rethink that.)
I think
another good illustration is the discussion over Elena Kagan’s sexual
orientation when she was being appointed to the Supreme Court. Since she was
single and played softball and was not good-looking, of course that meant she
was a lesbian. It was a stupid and pointless thing, but I remember thinking at
the time that it was the new normal that women who want to really rise to the
top of their field generally need to choose between family or career. As we
already covered, it is not choosing whether to work or not, because even when
you choose family work is often necessary, but you may be choosing to accept
lower pay and prestige.
Finally, let
us look at the many, many examples of schlubby guys on television with hot
girls. We don’t see the reverse very often. Hairspray is really more
groundbreaking than you would initially think. In crude terms, if I can’t have
George Clooney, then I object to Jim Belushi getting Courtney Thorne-Smith.
Actually, I
don’t care about that last part that much, but remember, the reason I headed
down this path anyway is thinking about Lindsey Lohan. What happens when you
give a child the trappings of an artistic career, but without the discipline
and the passion and the skill? Their skill is cuteness, and their product is
celebrity. What does this do? Of course when all else fails the next step is
posing in Playboy—what else does she have to offer? And I think about this, and
read about the reaction to Ashley Judd’s puffy face, and then I wonder if the
reason Amanda Bynes quit acting, and then started again, and then got a DUI, is
because she has a rounder face where it is easy to look fat, even when she
isn’t, and she just couldn’t take the pressure.
I think I
would be sick with worry if I had daughters. I don’t, but I have friends who
do, and I see girls at church and on the bus, and I care.
The answer
to most things is that we need better people, and that is also hard to come by,
but these are things that I would propose as common ground for all women, and
for all people.
First, fair
wages ends up being good for everyone, even the corporations that gain a
consumer base with disposable income. (Trickle-down economics was never really
viable, but money will flow up.)
Second,
families are important. Children are important. Helping children grow up into
good adults with a knowledge of the world, and skills, is important. There
should be high expectations on those who work towards this, parents and
teachers alike, but there should also be high appreciation.
Three, don’t
be tearing other people down. I realize these could all apply to anyone, but
maybe women do need to hear it more. One observation I have made about jealousy
is that it only happens when you are insecure about something. The fact that
one person has something is generally not the reason that you don’t have it.
The most destructive people I have known have been really unhappy, and that is
not the best way of dealing with it.
So get rid
of the guilt. If you feel guilty about working, or staying at home, look at the
decision again, and if that is really the best one, put the guilt away. If it
is not the best decision, and you can do better, go do it, and then put the
guilt away. I’m not saying that glibly. I know it’s not easy, but when I focus
on doing the right thing, and don’t worry about other opinions, I am much more
happy and sane.
Get rid of
your fixed ideas about beauty. There are actually a lot of different types. For
me, if I like you, I can’t really think that you are ugly, and if I don’t like
you, it’s hard for me to remember that you are good-looking, even if I thought
you were before I got to know you. The movies are not helpful, because there a
homely girl is just a girl wearing glasses and her hair tied back. Just enjoy
the good points of all of those around you, including yourself. And don’t seek
satisfaction in being a sex object. When you begin to accept objectification,
you start to losing yourself as a person.
Be
passionate about what you do, so you do feel good about it. I am not passionate
about my job, exactly, but I am determined to do it well, I enjoy my coworkers,
and I have other activities that I am passionate about, so it still leads to a
fulfilling life. If there is a lack of satisfaction in what you are doing, take
a second look at that. It may not even be that you need to change what you do;
maybe you just need to change how you do it.
Look for
ways to support other people. In a recent Psychology Today I was reading that
attempts by people to increase their own self-esteem did not work. However,
attempting to raise someone else’s self-esteem raised their own and the
subjects. Funny how that works. Stopping actively sniping at, criticizing, or
envying other women is good, but being actively supportive and helpful is even
better.
I realize
now that my list for women is pretty similar to my list for teenagers, which
even at the time I said would be good for adults, so maybe the path for being a
happy, contributing member of society is pretty much the same all across the
board. I can support that.
I want to
support one more thing though, and this is for Lindsay, Amanda, Britney, and
all the rest:
Learning lip-synching and choreography is fine,
I guess, but don’t you think you’d be happier learning an actual skill? Okay,
yes to education and learning in general, but it’s good to learn to rock.
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