Adventures in the Shallow End of the Dating Pool

Warning: In this post I may come off as bitter, judgmental, and mean. I’ll give you mean, sometimes.

When we were asked why we were not married last time, Julie answered that there is a shortage of good men, to which we received no argument. It is certainly true now, even if it has not been as true all along.

When we were younger, there were many age-appropriate men around, and not all of them were idiots. There were also many other women available, and somehow the men disappeared at a faster rate, indicating that there must have been more available women than men. Both pools were being replenished frequently enough, and had enough candidates, that it was not an immediate concern.

As time goes on, the disparity mattered more. Our church does focus on family a great deal, but we also believe in chastity, so there are strong motivations to not wait that long to get married. This may sometimes lead people to get married younger than they should, but generally speaking, good and intelligent men tend to go fairly quickly. As a woman enters her late twenties, the pickings become slimmer, and this does not improve in her 30’s.

I don’t mean to imply that any single LDS men over the age of 30 are either bad or stupid. They could also be closeted gay; pompous arrogant jerks, in possession of severe relationship issues that make me look balanced, or what will become more and more common now, divorced, which brings its own baggage.

There are two things that make it worse. One is that the guys are much more likely to select younger mates. So new young single men arriving on the scene is not nearly as helpful for the mature woman as the arrival of young girls is for immature but still older men.

Also, because of the imbalance between supply and demand, the guys are generally capable of marrying up. When we see older males marrying, they are generally getting someone better-looking, smarter, better off financially, more spiritual, or all of the above. Based on my level of attractiveness and wealth, someone for whom I would be enough of an upgrade is probably not someone who could interest me.

For me, when this was happening, I was always in love with someone who was away, so I didn’t really worry about it. Ultimately these guys didn’t matter—it was always going to be him. That sounds like an avoidance technique, but it was also a form of comfort. It’s not like I was getting asked out a lot. I went on dates periodically, where I invited, and they were usually fine and we would have a good conversations about their issues, and shortly afterwards they would start dating the girl they ended up marrying. (Always glad to help.) I did start to develop feelings for people twice, but they never reciprocated, and I am fine with both of those going nowhere.

I should be clear that I am okay with not getting married. I have a good life, where I don’t really even think about it that much, although that would not be obvious from this latest series. My reason for doing it, though, is that if there were issues that kept me from progressing, I don’t want to keep dragging them around.

My point with the next few posts is that for the marriage issue, fixing these issues will probably not matter based on the primary window of opportunity passing. As it is my nature to explore things in detail, especially when there is some potential for humor, well, I am making hay while the sun shines, something I neglected in my misspent youth.

There are few things more depressing for a single LDS woman than speed dating at a single adults’ New Year’s Eve dance, but I have done it and that’s what inspired this title. I’m not even sure there’s any point in going over the details. Suffice it to say, I don’t want to be married that much.

(I’m sure they are all really good people who deserve happiness.)