The
previous posts have probably sounded kind of negative. I am looking at what I
need to change and correct, so the focus is on what is wrong.
All of
those things are real, but they aren't the complete picture. I was not always
sure what to count when calculating my Adverse Childhood Experiences score, but
it only came to two, and with the big thing, I was only a year away from 18
when it happened. So really, my childhood and adolescence could have been a lot
worse. Most of the people whom I had in mind when I started this have had it
much worse.
I want to
keep that in perspective. Also, there were some ways in which I became strong
through the things that were bad. There were strengths I already had that I
didn't lose. There were things that helped me back then, and they weren't even
always accidental.
Disassociating
from my body was not a good thing to do, but I could do it more comfortably
because I had a good mind. I do like that about myself. That is one area where
I have always felt confident. Even as the first grader who hadn't been to
kindergarten, when I was expected to be slow, I knew that I wouldn't be. I'm
not sure how I knew that, but I was able to feel sure of that, and take
pleasure in learning things quickly and easily. Even at my lowest points of
self-esteem, I wouldn't trade my brains for beauty. I like them too much.
Reading helped for the intellectual
development, but the early social rejection may have contributed to me being a
reader. I mean, I was pretty into it anyway, but there were periods of my life
where I had a lot more time. Reading builds empathy as well, and while
pain does not automatically build it, in my case I feel it did. I believe I
have more compassion from having been hurt, and I value that. I know I can be
unhealthy about putting others first, and I'm working on that, but I don't hate
that I am generous and kind.
There were
a lot of things that I avoided that I am okay with having avoided. I never did
much with clothes or makeup; there had been a general capitulation there a long
time ago. I know I am more relaxed about appearance than a lot of women, and
I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I mean, and this won't sound right, that while
some people are struggling every day to become attractive (or at least
marginally less unattractive) and have their days ruined by the way humidity or
lack of sleep or whatever thwarts them, for me it has pretty much been a matter
of just staying not attractive, and being at peace with it. Sometimes clothes
shopping, especially for a dress-up event, pushes things over the edge to
really miserable depths, but it seems that for many of my contemporaries that
is more of a constant.
I do not
know how to do romantic relationships. I believe this is bad. However, I can
see many areas where participating in them would have been dangerous, because I
can see where I might have accepted bad treatment and possibly even outright
abuse. Maybe it's better that I skipped that until I could get into a better
place. That's speculation, but it seems possible.
Somewhere
in that combination of having a good mind, and wanting to do things for other
people, and not believing that I could rely on anyone, I became pretty
competent. I am good at figuring out how to get things done, and making it
happen. I enjoy that. I don't know that I would be as resourceful if some of
the things that did happen hadn't happened.
That has
it's downside, because it also means that I will charge ahead without reading
the instructions or fully thinking things through or maybe asking for
permission when applicable, but it works out a lot, which doesn't motivate me
to change.
Perhaps the
real saving grace for me was that in addition to having things I was good at,
they were all things that I liked. That made it easier to be me.
Maybe
that's the most amazing thing coming out of this. No matter how many messages I
heard and believed about what was wrong with me, somehow I still ended up
liking me. That's one reason to take better care of this Gina person. She appears
to be worth it.
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