Summing up

I feel like the minute I post this I will realize something that I forgot to mention that was important. Still, if that's what it takes to realize an important piece, then that's probably reason enough to do it. Besides, the way I spread things out over multiple posts may not be ideal for anyone trying to follow along.

I am messed up - highly functional, but messed up nonetheless. I undertook a reading program partly to help other messed up people, but I knew it would be for me too. One of the big realizations during the course of that was how disconnected from my body I have been. There are physical repercussions to that, but it does not operate in a vacuum from my emotions. I had gotten back in touch with some of the emotions that led to the disconnection already, which may lead to a focus more on the physical now, but it seems to go back and forth.

There were three key events that formed my self-image. I had identified two of them earlier, but only recently realized the impact of the third.

6 years old - I was sitting by myself on the playground, and a group of girls came and started talking about how fat I was. From then on I saw myself as fat, even though I was not at that time.

14 years old - While eating lunch in the cafeteria one boy asked me to go steady with him as a joke, but then his friend started asking and wouldn't stop, following me to my next class. It was then that I knew that no boy could ever like me.

17 years old - I was learning to drive, but did not want to learn with my father. I was scared to get in the car with him. Initially he didn't force the issue, but three days before my 17th birthday he told me to get in the car, and I did. I hit a car, would not get back in the car when he insisted, and walked home. I avoided him for the rest of the day, but the next morning he told me how stupid I was, and that he was ashamed of me. He didn't speak to me again for two and a half years. This is the one where I had not realized it affected me, but I think a lot of my trust and self-worth issues come from here. I still feel very ashamed of not driving, and very scared when I think about trying to drive.

There were other factors at play. Early experiences that taught me that no one wants to see you cry or talk about why you're sad and a general inability to ever satisfy my father played parts. I am sure my father's lack of respect for my mother and his cheating played a part. Being rejected by a boy because he found out I liked him was a key experience, especially because no longer being friends with him was probably why I was alone on the playground that day.

There are other things that played smaller parts. For example, in high school my bike was stolen. At the time Aloha was getting really bad for bike theft. It was an Italvega that I loved and rode everywhere. I bought a replacement from K-Mart, where I was working at the time, but it didn't feel as good, and then I could no longer leave my bike in an easy to access place, and I started riding less.

The roads had started getting more dangerous anyway, and that was long before they started putting in bike paths. Timing didn't help, but ultimately there is a lot in the suburbs to discourage physical activity, so you have to be actively aware and fighting for it.

My big takeaway from my formative years was that I was not worth fighting for. Ultimately, there is a lot in society that will tell you that, especially if you are female, especially if you are fat, and boy howdy, especially if you are both fat and female.

Now I am trying to sort all that out. I can see now that the people who hurt me were wrong on an intellectual level. They were not being kind or accurate or anything where I should have let them form my ideas about my place in the world. Since I believed them then, and carried those beliefs with me over years, on an emotional level shaking it off is hard.

There are still plenty of messages out there about how worthless I am. On a good day, I know they're wrong. On a bad day I have doubts, and really wonder why there are still so many negative messages out there.