Monday, April 23, 2018

All about me

Last week when I wrote that I wasn't going to write, I wrote more than I expected to. I realized that I probably didn't need a break from writing at all quite as much as I needed to pause writing about world issues (even if done in a really personal matter) and catch up with me personally.

Yes, I am still a mess. Yes, I will give more details.

But no, I am not only a mess.

Remember going back that after missing one karaoke night I was afraid to commit to attending another one, because it didn't feel like my life was really under my own control. I accepted the other one anyway.

That was good on multiple levels. I got out of the house, I sang, and I visited with people. One of the visits was especially important.

Generally I kind of dread people asking me for a status update because everything is so complicated and kind of horrible, but again with the "not only", it is not only horrible.

One friend asked, and he asked at the right moment, or in the right way, or somehow it worked out that I could also see the good in the situation. I could say that we were getting by. I could say that there have been good things about this.

That was affirming for me, and then he made it better. He told me to keep being me, and it would work out, and that felt good too.

There are family relationships that have improved throughout this. My faith has been reinforced throughout this. Impossible things have happened.

None of that means any of this is easy, and we are still recovering from the week that made me think maybe I needed to take a few days off of blogging. But we are still all here.

One important reminder through it was that I need to get out of the house.

It is tricky when there are only so many hours in a day. There are the things I need to do for my mother and my family and myself, and that doesn't leave a lot of extra time. I need time by myself to recharge, but I also need time with others. It doesn't all fit in at all, but I have to make an effort sometimes anyway, and make those connections. Those are the times I really feel seen, and remember my value, so it has to be done, even though it's not easy.

It's not like anything else is.

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