A connecting thread between Monday's and Tuesday's posts goes to a lifelong problem of mine: I hate asking for money.
Technically, I hate asking for anything. We covered that in February.
I guess money is more of an issue because it's so practical; when would it not come in handy?
On the most basic level, this means that while I can be a good worker in a variety of jobs, including ringing up purchases that shoppers have already decided on, I have always avoided sales (and collections).
It has also meant that while I have at times tried innovations like linking my Paypal to my blog, or promoting my novels, and though I have done the occasional Facebook fundraiser, those things also give me stomach cramps.
At the same time, I often don't want to charge for things.
Some people do like my blog. There are things like Patreon subscriptions. I know that, but I don't think the amount of money I could take in could possibly be worth shutting some people out, especially if I am writing about something important.
For the record, I have looked at including ads. While that might be more reasonable than a paywall, I believe it would make the reading experience much more annoying. For the amount of revenue it brings in, it doesn't seem worth it.
When I have done well financially, it is generally because I was dealing with someone who not only believed that I would do a good job, but was also ethical, maybe even generous. I know people who could have low-balled me and didn't. However, get a few changes in management and it becomes a source of resentment instead.
That means that as I examine potential career paths, anything that would require a great deal of self-promotion is unappealing.
It also makes the wage question very stressful.
It is hard to assert my worth. Desperation doesn't help.
That is why my saying that I could not live on the pay for the one job was an amazing step forward. Unless it backfires. As I wait to hear from this most recent round of job applications, I admit to worrying.
It's been a while since I remember feeling so much fear. That doesn't feel like me. I know my confidence has taken a hit over the last few years, but when does it come back?
Clearly this post does not have a strong central theme, and is kind of a bummer (therefore how could I charge for it?), but here are three purposes it serves.
- This is an update of where I am now.
- Earlier posts about various emotional issues and early trauma totally relate.
- I don't always stress that I am against capitalism -- I mean, I am still participating in it, whether I like it or not -- but that I am anti-capitalist should not surprise anyone. Capitalism sucks.
There will eventually be much more detailed and less personal posts about capitalism sucking, but I'm still studying.
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/always-somehow-wrong.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/failure-to-communicate.html
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment