Band Review: The Paul & John

The Paul & John is a San Francisco rock duo. That statement is essentially accurate, but it ignores the previous work of both Paul Myers and John Moremen, both of whom have been making music for at least two decades.

I first became aware of Myers as a writer so I'm not very familiar with that history. However, it would not be surprising for two experienced musicians (including one who has done music journalism and commentary) to draw from a variety influences and produce an album with depth and maturity. That is what we have with Inner Sunset.

I suspect something can be made of comparing "Inner Sunrise" with "Inner Sunset" and "Inner Sundown", but I have not cracked it. After listening several times, it's not so much that I have noticed a strong theme, but there is an overall feeling of life experience. Maybe it's bittersweet at times, but you keep going and it works out.

The sound is generally mellow at first, almost like folk, but there is funk there too, like the groove on "Inner Sunset". "Inner Sundown" is strongly reminiscent of Seals & Crofts' "Summer Breeze", but my strongest impression is that fans of The Byrds will like The Paul & John.

My personal favorite is probably "Long Way Back", which rocks, but "Everything Comes Together" has an almost psychedelic effect on me. Also, while "Hungry Little Monkey" is not my favorite, I can imagine that there are people for whom it will resonate deeply, and be exactly what they needed to hear, and hear that way.

The Paul & John are worth checking out.

http://thepaulandjohn.bandcamp.com/

https://www.facebook.com/thepaulandjohn

http://www.mysterylawn.com/Paul_%26_John.html

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDHvz7uRxvcDHCNoQz6wKTA

Band Review: The Eternal Oppression

The Eternal Oppression is a metal band from Colchester in Essex. Currently at least some of the members are in other bands, which may take time away from The Eternal Oppression itself. However, there is a Facebook post from June indicating that they were recording new tracks.

Currently I was able to find four songs on a self-titled EP.

I appreciate that they call themselves metal; many similar sounding bands use some variation on "core", and often one without a real meaning. This is metal. It is heavy, it is aggressive, and that is the intent.

While the shouted content can make the songs seem to run together, if you listen to the intros you will find some subtle touches and differentiation. My favorite overall was probably "They Swarm", which reminds me of recent Torche. However, I find the bridge on "Groundborn" moving, and there is an eerie quality to the intro on "I Am Eternal" that could be explored more.

I could not find very many links, but what I have is here.

https://www.facebook.com/theeternaloppression

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-eternal-oppression-ep/id646076686

All the fat we cannot see

I'm going to quote again from Morgan - not just to shamelessly promote my book, but also as a launching point for today's post:

In reality, there was nothing remarkable about her going to yet another activity, and once again not having a good time. There was nothing surprising about Justin whispering "moo" behind her when she took a cookie. One cookie! He'd wolfed down five.

(You can buy Morgan at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016CIBNJK.)

Again, Morgan is not shaped like a model, but she is not fat. She still gets teased for being fat. I don't know that Joanna and Claudia get picked on specifically for their weight, but they and Morgan definitely see movies and magazine ads and it does not matter if they are healthy, they feel fat.

I can say confidently that I am fat, but I have felt the same level of fat all along. I have felt the same aversion to my appearance all along, and that covers a really wide range.

It's not that there haven't been differences. When I was 50 pounds lighter I did not have diabetes. Yes, there is a genetic component, and there are heavier people who still have normal blood sugar, but it is a factor for me. My blood pressure is really good now, but when I was 30 pounds heavier, it wasn't. Stress was probably a factor at that time, but it's unlikely that it was the only factor.

The ridiculous thing is that I keep forgetting that this is not my heaviest, because I still feel so heavy. My doctor had to remind me. And I can force myself to remember that the numbers on the scale were different, but in the mirror I still just look really fat. I can look at the old pictures and remember things people said then and see that it wasn't true, but mentally there was never a feeling that my body was acceptable.

What I'm getting at is that there are differences between a hundred pounds overweight and thirty pounds overweight. That sounds obvious, but it feels like we treat people the same at any level of overweight.

Maybe we are afraid to look at it closely enough to see differences, but nothing good is going to come of that.

Now it seems that to avoid teasing you need to be underweight, but it looks like girls feel the same way about being ten pounds overweight as thirty pounds overweight, and all I can think about that is that maybe worrying about ten pounds is stupid.

The justification that people can always use with fat is that it's unhealthy, which is true to a point, but the playground taunting isn't concern for health, and there are a lot of signs that society - including the medical establishment - is moving to such a level of fat phobia that they are going to fail to look at the whole person as well.

I suspect that even if your only concerns are truly for good health that the means we are using to get there are worse than counterproductive.

I also I suspect I will blog about this again. For now, I want to see things clearly.

This relates a lot to the goal of being connected with my body, but it is not only that because it is also being free of society's influence in how I view others. I want to see whole people, rather than a binary option of fat or not fat.

Bodies of writing

I am not yet ready to write a fat heroine. I have started adding weight to them. What sort of cruel author am I? It's not exactly like that.

I guess it started with Claudia:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/sidetracked-by-superhero.html

This is someone who is led to her superpower by the path of depression. She is a teenage girl. She was going to have body issues. I started thinking about those specific body issues, and I imagined her having wide hips and thighs. I may have been a little influenced by Nani in Lilo & Stitch, but also it hasn't been that long since the big determinant for girls to know they were too fat was the lack of a thigh gap. That the actual presence of a thigh gap has more to do with how your frame is built than how much flesh is hung on said frame is just one of those things.

That blog post also refers to another comic, with a link to a 6 page screenplay I had written for it. That's Theme Park, and I don't have any sketches for it, but with Claudia, and with Morgan (whom I will get to in a moment) and with recently being at a concert where the lead singer had a bit of a stomach, I think Joanna has one too.

Let me be clear that I am not calling the singer fat. He was not, but he was not completely toned and devoid of body fat either. He just happened to have a little collection at the stomach where you could hardly even tell when he was wearing the sweatshirt, but then when he took it off you could see it. Personally, I thought it was kind of cute. I liked it so much that I am giving it to Joanna.

Here's the thing. Some time ago I remember reading an article about Carrie (both the book and the movie but now also a musical!). The writer was pointing out that no matter how socially maladjusted Carrie was, or how weird her family, some guy would have displayed interest in a Carrie who looked like Sissy Spacek. He said the Carrie in the novel was overweight and pasty and acne-ridden.

Not having read the book, I will take his word for that. It is pretty believable because that's how movies and television go. If who gets to date is based on looks, the people we see on movies and television are generally quite eligible for dating. There is an exception here and there, but generally the "fat" ones are normal weight, and the "ugly" ones are just wearing glasses and their bangs over their face.

So there was knowing that, but also thinking about Claudia, and the singer, it reminded me that it is common to have trouble spots. Maybe you are at basically a healthy weight, but there is a little more on your butt, or your upper arms, or your gut. I have friends with rounded faces, and it frustrates them because they always feel like their face looks fat, but it isn't fat. Those bodies aren't perfect, but there's not really anything wrong with them. They are human. They keep us from being a bunch of clones. They're beautiful.

I have been carrying around Morgan's story for probably about 17 years. I knew she wasn't popular, but I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about why until it came time to write it out. Once I got there, it was sad how much of it had to do with her early socialization and what other people happened to be around, but it was easy for her to think there was something wrong with her. Keeping it easy, I did this:

"She usually felt clumsy too. Morgan had a short waist, and when her chest started developing it felt like it was always in the way, especially for throwing or catching. She had liked playing softball before, but it got too embarrassing.

The boys started paying attention then. Morgan knew that boys were supposed to like breasts, and part of the fascination was probably that. It always translated into them teasing her about being fat.

Morgan was mostly sure that the boys were just being jerks, and that she was really okay, but that part of her that was left unsure suffered. Adults always said if a boy teases you it means he likes you; that didn't seem like it could be right."

I know girls with that issue. Maybe that's more than one issue, but I know girls with the rest of it too. Anyway, the book is out. Please buy my book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016CIBNJK

I don't consider Morgan, Claudia, or Joanna fat, but they are all vulnerable to having their weight shamed. That is not just a physical thing. All three are isolated and have some emotional scars because of other things that have happened. With a different confidence level they might have ended up making friends with social power, or even wielding social power themselves.

It's not only physical, but the physical is there too. Fat has a stigma. You may have noticed I didn't specify which singer had the stomach, even though I was saying it wasn't a big deal. It feels like an insult that I even noticed.  I think this makes us not really see it clearly - almost like a fat derangement. I'm going to try and write about that tomorrow.

For now, one more article that may have influenced me:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kayetoal/that-knife-of-recognition#.icBL3n2wD8

This section: Overall arc

Back to the big paper, there were some words that did not really belong in any of the columns, but they had an order of their own.

Don't cry - Shame - Fat - Can't be loved - Can't trust/Dad/Driving

This takes the basic events and wounds and puts them in order, with an assumption that they built upon each other, so that it is probably important to heal them in order.

Honestly I am not sure that they are in exactly the correct order. The different events that pounded into me that no one wants to hear about my problems did happen very young, but are they the reason for the underlying sense of shame, or was it there because of something else and then clicked in with the crying? You suck and that's why no one wants to listen to your problems.

I mean, I do know that I was ashamed of being fat, but looking back I sense that the shame was already there. I do know that the last crying-related incident (which was my brother offering me the candy bar to placate me) was about the same time I was learning that I was fat, which seems unfortunate.

With the slashes it is probably obvious that the messiest one is the driving thing. I do think it became a lot harder for me to trust then, but at the same time I can't swear that I was particularly trusting before, and my relationship with my father had problems before. Still, along with trust and issues relating to men that are almost certainly related to my father, driving is an actual problem.

Obviously I should have been taking better notes when I was growing up. Regardless, we're here now, and maybe it's because of the foundational relationship that I felt impressed by when looking at chakras, or maybe it's because I still have such a physiological reaction against driving, it feels like I need to address the earlier wounds before I can address the later one. Or maybe I will just need to work through the panic. That is also a possibility.

The good thing is that I feel like I have made a lot of progress on the shame thing. I believe I am better about knowing that I have a right to be here, and that I do good. I normally think that, and then I may have a bad moment with my family and it is amazing how low I can sink emotionally, except I still seem to have a better understanding that these types of conflicts are not necessarily a reflection on the worth of any of the participants. That's an improvement.

I still don't really love crying in front of other people. I think one problem with that is that I am so different from the rest of my family. The things that upset me, and the way I deal with them, are different, and so it's harder to feel like I am "normal" - as loaded a word as that is.

I do express myself a lot via the blog, which might be helpful, but it does tend to be more intellectual than emotional expression, and it is also out there for people to choose to read or not, which is not quite the same as opening yourself up to another person and having them accept that.

Dealing with my body size does directly relate to various things in the columns, so if that is the area that really needs to be addressed now, then the points I have mapped out are probably on track. I think the next two posts are going to address where my mind is about my body more.

With believing I can be loved, I am not sure what will be needed there. For example, I have adjusted my thinking now, where I can look at specific things and see cases where I believe there was a mutual attraction or caring. That is probably progress, but since even assuming that I am right, it was not important enough for them to act on it, does that make it less powerful? Also, do I actually need to have a non-platonic relationship to really be healed there, or is just knowing that I am capable enough? That is assuming that I am capable, which I have not really established. Some of the things that are coming up will address that too a little, though I might need to be done dealing with my body before I can get there.

Then after all of that we can see if some of the driving fears have faded away, or if it is still going to be really difficult. I am not opposed to doing something difficult if that is the case. It just feels like it needs to come last.

So those are the areas I will be keeping in the back of my mind while I am working on the problems, wants, to do list, and remembering books.

Band Review: Call Tracy

Call Tracy is a pop punk band from Prague.

I enjoyed listening to them. There were times when I thought they could be amped up more, especially for their earlier music, but I have listened to their July release, Golden Cage, a few times now, and I am pretty happy with it.

"Hard to Find" was the track that made the strongest impression on me, due to the way the vocals are used. They tinge the music with regret and nostalgia when the instruments would otherwise feel more aggressive.

The band has just returned from a tour playing several dates in Italy, Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, which they referred to as their first tour. This seems like an important milestone. For a band that has already produced solid work in the recording studio, being able to perform well live should open an exciting new phase for them.

Definitely worth checking out. Fans of Blink-182 may especially like.

https://www.facebook.com/calltracypoppunk/timeline?

http://calltracy.bandcamp.com/

http://calltracy.bigcartel.com/

https://twitter.com/CallTracypopunk

Band Review: Caleb Ryan

I have only been able to find one song by Caleb Ryan.

Initially I thought there were more, but if you follow the link from "Dreams" on iTunes to the profile, the rest of the songs are a different Caleb Ryan, whose sound is more acoustic and country. The "Dreams" Caleb Ryan, possibly better referred to as Caleb Freeken, creates electronic music and is from Utah instead of Texas.

It was odd to find the level of presence established with only one song, but it looks like Ryan started with streaming video games and creating other Youtube content, where the music is a more recent development.

So there is not a lot to review yet. I think "Dreams" sounds pretty good. If he can put out more songs of a similar quality he should do okay, especially by appealing to his existing fan base.

https://www.facebook.com/calebfreeken?_rdr=p

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLPgFSAchZBHDrk3vhmUdrw

https://itunes.apple.com/album/id955989612

https://twitter.com/Calebfreeken

This next section: To Do

Finally, here is the column of things that I feel like I need to do. Not all of them came in conjunction with specific things in the Problems and Wants columns. Some of them are even already done, which is comforting. There is still quite a bit to do.

I actually wrote about the whole paper that the columns came from in early June. I probably didn't dig deeply enough then, but maybe I needed to have the shallow look at it before I could get here.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/06/things-to-do.html

To Do:

Make a Vision Board

This seems like it should heavily incorporate the Wants, and it is something that I feel like I need to do, but I have a hard time picturing it. Part of it is that I am so verbal that when I am conceptualizing what I want, it is all words, but it feels important to come up with a visual representation as well.

Meet physical needs

This comes from the realization that when I am disconnected from my body I don't take care of it. It means letting myself have adequate sleep and proper nutrition, but also getting my shoulders looked at. It means not just listening to my body, but answering it affirmatively.

Moderate Changes

I have written about this before specifically in regards to making sure to get at least one serving of whole grains plus three different fruits or vegetables. I do better when I remember to do this, and it is also helpful if I make a point of eating every three hours, alternating meals and snacks. That takes a lot of planning, and I don't always manage it, but it helps and I want my physical needs met, so...

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/moderate-changes.html

Write a fat heroine

I think I actually expressed the importance of this best after I drew my first comic and wrote about that. I didn't think specifically about someone who looks like me as much then, but I did see how you feel differently about a character, even when it's you, and how important things can come from that.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/05/badly-drawn-girl-my-first-comic.html

I don't know when I will have time to do this specifically, but there are some changes that have already taken place that I think need to be treated separately. I think I will get there Tuesday.

Look at chakras

I did this one! And I am not a chakra expert, but the image it gave me, of building up from a firm foundation, has been important.

Month of reading screenplays

I did this one too! And it was a good experience where I learned a lot. I still have not written any screenplays since then. I started one, but I realized that the premise was too ridiculous for the serious tone. I haven't decided whether to be more or less ridiculous yet.

Create comics for other works

Okay, one of the options you have on Amazon Studios is to add storyboards, and because drawing and comics are important to me, I would like to add a drawn segment for each screenplay there. I would like to draw the near drowning segment in Family Ghosts also; maybe I could post it on Deviant Art or something. I don't know when I will get to this, but I am sure my drawing ability will make it frustrating. I will do it anyway.

Work on family history

I am on a pretty good flow for this. It is something where this current cycle will last for a few months, and then start another multi-month cycle, so this will go on for years, but I am pursuing it in a sustainable manner, which is what was needed.

Complete contacting singles

This is something I have been working on for a few months, for making contact with all of the single adults in the ward. The people left have missing or wrong phone numbers, or they never answer, and so I am kind of stalled, but I think I know what to do next.

Throwback Thursdays and year of selfies

I am getting pretty close to the end of the throwbacks, and there have been some good insights here, some of which have had their own blog posts. I do have more clarity on the selfies, where I think they will need to be daily and not merely weekly, and starting on the Friday after the last throwback would make sense, except my camera just broke. Of course, people usually do selfies with phones anyway. Regardless, I do need to do a year of daily selfies, and technical issues may delay the start. That is for getting comfortable with my appearance.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/no-more-good-pictures.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-most-hated-photo.html

Transcribe mission journals

There were some really hard times on my mission, some of them specifically pertaining to relationships with others, and with depression, and I think there will be something in going over them.

Bridgestone course, other driving classes

This would be to get comfortable with driving. In the other blog post I mention stunt driving courses and maybe going on a racetrack, but I don't know how available those would be, or how expensive they would be. This would be a course for getting used to different road conditions and knowing how to respond, and it seems practical.

Costumes and dress up

I still don't know what this will mean. I have written about having given up on costumes because I don't like drawing attention to myself visually, but then does fighting that mean embracing those fears and freely being hideous? Does it mean trying to look good? Should I try a cosplay? Because I just missed ComicCon? Maybe it will be all of the above.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/11/halloween-costumes.html

Reading list

I have not spent enough time digesting the very long reading list. I have written out a column of the book titles next to my three columns, and I will start going over them again. I don't know that each book will get its own post, but I at least need to think about each book individually and see if I have more to say.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-very-long-reading-list.html

This next section: Wants

Many of the wants came directly from the Problems section; if this is a problem, I want it fixed. Some of them are also things that I would just like to have. Maybe I have had them before, and liked them, and maybe sometimes they are things that I have never had but would like to try.

Wants:

Be connected to body

I think I covered this enough yesterday.

See good in myself

This is intended as a counter to the shame, in that if there is always this feeling that there is something wrong with me, then it could be helpful to remember what is right with me. It may not work. I remember being in a really bad place once and I did write out a whole page of things that were good about me, and I'm not sure it made much difference. Still, it could help.

Travel

I love doing this so much, and I just can't afford it in this current state. I am so grateful that my sister did pay for me to go to Pennsylvania, but she can't keep doing that.

Have flying dreams

Remembering that this used to be a common thing and now it never happens, I feel - possibly mistakenly - that having that dream again would be a meaningful indicator of healing. It would mean I have gotten something back.

Be financially secure

Right now it is not just that I don't have money for fun things; I am in constant dread on how I am going to pay for necessities. That may very well be the worst thing about my life right now.

Be able to give

That being said, I am always seeing things where I want to be able to help. I have damaged myself sometimes by helping, and I am past that now, where I will really only give the money if I have it, but it's depressing not to have it.

Not have loneliness be a problem

I am not sure whether this means not being lonely because I have companionship, or reconciling myself to a certain amount of solitude, but I want to be free from the pain of it.

Know my worth

This kind of goes with the shame, but also with the loneliness. I am always worried that I annoy people, and I frequently can't share the things that I want to share with anyone who is interested. Even if that is not intended as personal rejection, it feels like it, so add that to perpetual singleness and it can feel like I am this unwanted oddball. What I want is to at least have perspective on that, especially if it's them and not me, but even if it is me.

Be able to trust

I can see really valid issues for not trusting, but I suspect that I am too untrusting. It isn't even always personal. I worry about whether enough people will bring food to a potluck, so will try and bring multiple things. A lot of my overfunctioning comes from there. I want to be better about that, even if all it means is deciding that sometimes it's not important what everyone else does.

Be okay with my appearance

Previously this would always have been losing weight, whether there was a specific number in mind or not. I would still love to be thinner, but I think it is more important to accept myself as I am. I don't think I can make any further progress until I do. The fat has always been a large factor in the shame.

Feel cherished

I am not officially saying that I want to be in a romantic relationship, but this would be something that I would have previously expected to get from that type of relationship. I don't know what those possibilities are; I just know that it's something that I want. I'm sure it is more fundamental that I value myself, but if I am honest about my desires then I want to be treasured by someone else. Maybe I have to treasure myself first. If I fully understood everything I wouldn't be writing about it.

This next section: Problems

I mentioned previously taking notes on a big sheet of paper. It helped, but it was also pretty disorganized, jotting things down as they occurred to me. I went through again and broke them down into three rough categories: problems, wants, and to do.

These are the things that I am going to be focusing on for this next round of self analysis and (I hope) progress. Nothing should be too  unfamiliar, but when I spread out writings so much, it is helpful sometimes to have an outline. This week the posts will be going over the three columns.

There is one other thing segment that ended up being written across the top, but I think I will get to that next Monday.

After that, going forward there will probably be many blog posts about these things, and there will be journal sessions that may not be replicated on the blog, and other experiences, but this is what I am looking at.

So many of them have already been at least partially covered that I am going to include links unless there is something new that I already know is new (as opposed to things that I have not figured out yet, but will). These posts will act as handy references while I am going through this.

Problems:

Disconnected from Body

I had actually made some progress here, and then slid back a bit. It is not automatic yet, so requires consistent effort.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/getting-back-in-touch-with-my-body.html

Ashamed to cry, have negative emotions

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-week-of-sad-things.html

Ashamed in general

This comes up in pieces in lots of places, but I'm not sure I have ever really delved into this persistent feeling that something about me is bad. That might be something I have to do.

Fat

This one is kind of outdated. Well, this is a topic that will come up again.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/01/sporky-pig.html

I don't believe I can be loved

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/02/sporkphelia.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/05/badly-drawn-girl-my-first-comic.html

Trouble trusting

I'm not sure that I have any posts that are really clear on this. It comes up in fragments in other places.

Can't drive

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/01/sporkfuls-secret-shame.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/09/things-i-am-not-working-on-driving.html

Worried about Mom

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/06/the-loneliest-part.html

Bad feelings about Dad

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/06/in-which-i-blame-my-father.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/it-was-not-just-guitar.html

Nothing left for me

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/something-left-for-me.html

Shoulders ache

I did mention this a little in the previous post about the mattress. I did get a massage, but it focused on my neck, which had some issues left over from a soft tissue injury. I think it is less likely that it is fasciitis now and maybe shoulder impingement, but I need to ask my doctor about it. I am scared it will be expensive, because even when it's just co-pays, those can add up. But I have to do something. It really hurts. I don't know if any of it is emotional, but one time when I was thinking of my responsibilities, and worrying, it suddenly came to me "No wonder my shoulders ache!"

Feel burdened

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/irony-and-grace.html

Band Review SNCKPCK

Snckpck does record songs, but it is probably better not to think of him as a band.

Landing on the home page the first thing you see is merch. Even once you start looking at albums, there is a definite theme in the graphics shown. I want to say the main product is cuteness, though that is kind of an oversimplification.

There are a lot of animals and bright colors and positivity. They are not always cute, but generally in that area. Tracks also feature animals a lot, and "beautiful" and "I love you" get used frequently. There is an intention of good-hearted innocence, often veering into silly and babyish, but I am sure it is sincere.

In many cases lyrics are more spoken than sung, and while there are some instrumental tracks that sound pretty good, the musical quality in general can be kind of grating. Occasional visits for a boost probably works better than extended listening.

If this is what interests you there is a lot of material out there, and it is all freely available.

http://snckpck.com/

http://snckpck.bandcamp.com/

https://twitter.com/SNCKPCK

Band Review: Against All Hope

I believe I am reviewing a Metalcore band from Fredericksburg, Virginia that has relocated to Everett, Washington, but it has been a confusing path.

It started with being followed by a band that seemed to be named With Separation. That the Twitter handle was @UTLfxbgband, which does not correlate to With Separation in any way that I can see, was unusual, but the link gong to a page for a band called Against All Hope was even odder. I can see that the Twitter handle @againstallhope is taken (by a Deathcore band in the Canary Islands) so that could be a factor.

That did make me a little nervous about reviewing - like, if I go where this link takes me, am I overlooking a band actually named With Separation? That was not my only concern, though, because there was also only one song. I punted, bumping them down to the bottom of the spreadsheet, and now they are up at the top again, so I am just going for it.

There is one song, available through Bandcamp. It is called "Ecclesiastes". It is not bad. I am not a huge fan of 'core in general, but there is good energy with the guitars. They add a more melodic vocal counterpoint in the chorus that provides some conflict with the shouting and creates a sense of struggle. Coming in at a little under six minutes, it breaks with its punk roots to nod at the metal ancestry as well.

That is all that I know to say.

https://www.facebook.com/Against-All-Hope-586920731382260/timeline/

http://againstallhopeofficial.bandcamp.com/releases

https://twitter.com/UTLfxbgband

Being beautiful

I said yesterday that when my friend told me I wasn't ugly, I didn't believe her. I run into this same issue with my girls all the time.

It doesn't matter how often you tell them that they are beautiful, they just know they aren't.

Some of you may be wondering about objective beauty standards here, and yes, a lot of them are unequivocally pretty. Some of them might be using "ugly" as code for "fat", because "fat" hurts too much to say (I have done that), but then a lot of them say "fat" also. The fact that they have doctors and nurses telling them that they are not fat and that it would be dangerous for them to lose weight does not matter.

(Actually, I think they do know on one level that the doctor is right, but there are all of the other levels interfering.)

This is assuming I know what they look like. Many of the accounts are secret accounts for venting, so the profile picture is not theirs. Actually, a big step forward for one girl after treatment was changing her profile picture to her, and I knew it was a big step when it happened. That was great.

With the others, sometimes they will post a picture of clothing, and so you won't see the face but you get an idea of the body. Sometimes they will leave a selfie up for ten minutes and then delete. This desire to be known and connect, with the fear of being known and identified, has its own issues and workarounds. When I do get to see them, they usually look good.

This is important, because I only pay honest compliments. I don't always know what I'm doing, but the big rule I have, and I feel strongly about it, is that I don't lie. I assume that even well-intentioned lies will get figured out, and trust is really hard to come by, so I can't afford to lie. I know there have been times when that mattered.

Here is one honest compliment that I can usually give. Most of them are really kind and supportive. They will do a lot to encourage and comfort and build up everyone else. They believe everyone else deserves it. They don't believe it about themselves.

One thing that I realized fairly early on is that I want to tell them that they can have good futures. If they want love or good careers or happiness - probably all of the above - I want to tell them that's possible. It can be hard to tell them they will find love when I never found it. I can see now where I didn't let myself find it, but they could do the same thing. I don't want to reinforce that.

So this is where we get to the incoherent part. They also tell me that I am beautiful, while not believing they are also beautiful.

Okay, beauty is subjective, they like me as a person which can color it, but then if I am saying that I am not beautiful, contradicting them, but also asking them to believe that they are beautiful, and they should listen to me because... I just end up sputtering.

Worse than that, I have had some tell me that I am not fat. I do have real pictures up, and I am objectively fat. I get how that happens too. They have it that "fat" is a bad word, and you wouldn't use it on anyone good. I appreciate that they appreciate my goodness, but words mean things! If we change what words mean, communication becomes very difficult, so I would be against that in general. If the way we change the words services a worldview where everyone thinks you are wonderful except for bullies and yourself, no, that's just not good.

The change I wish to see in the world is people being able to enjoy their identities. I have to be able to do that for myself. I have to be able to accept compliments, and believe them, and be aware of the connotations of words but also without forgetting the denotations.

The most radical thing I do is like myself. See how true that becomes?

Things I let go

Tomorrow's post may be kind of incoherent, but the conversations that led to it generally started with someone tweeting that she is fat or ugly or both.

One of my vivid memories of summer camp is a slightly older girl complaining about people fishing for compliments. If they wanted a compliment they should just ask for it. I guess it was a pet peeve of hers.

It made a strong impression on me that this is bad behavior, and I have to give some credit for advanced awareness to the older girl. I would not have analyzed the issue that way.

I still can't look down on it. There are so many messages in society that you have to look good, and that necessitates being thin. It is natural to want to be pleasing to those around you, and it's hard to believe that you can if you don't conform to beauty standards, especially if you're a girl.

At the same time, any expression of pleasure in something that you are or do is likely to be stamped down as arrogance, which is also not allowed. In addition, looking for approval or affirmation from anyone else is likely to get you labeled an attention seeker, though people get labeled that for things they do in secret too. It would appear that the end goal is not just poor self-esteem but also neurosis.

There may be some desire to hear someone contradict you when you self-deprecate, but I also can see sincere belief that there are things wrong with you, and aching desire for that not be true, grappling with the training that you are not allowed to see good things about yourself so any affirmation needs to come from outside.

I grew up before social media when it became common to instantly broadcast thoughts, and I still remember doing it at least once. I said to one of my friends, "I am an ugly little toadie", and she did contradict it, so I guess that worked, except the reason I said it is that was the exact phrase that came into my head, stuck there since I had caught an unfortunate glimpse of myself in the mirror. Also, despite her saying I wasn't, I still believed that I was. I thought she was just being nice, because you have to say that.

That's where we're going tomorrow.

Anyway, if people do not always appropriately mask their pain in a mature and dignified fashion, I'm not going to pile on that. I will give a compliment, but it will only be something I can accurately say, and if we need to look at actual flaws and things to change, I will do that too.

Native American Heritage Month 2014

It hasn't been quite a full year yet, but for getting close to a year now I have been concentrating on writing enough that it has seriously slowed my reading.

After last year I had picked out the books that I wanted to read for this year, but I wasn't sure when I was going to get to them. In addition, I kept finding all of this video material that I wanted to examine, and there was definitely no time for that. So, the plan was adjusted. My Native American Heritage focus has always been more multi-media than some of my other pursuits.

I hope that in November or so, I will be able to get back to those four books for 2015. (Bumping them for a year does not seem as dire when running this far behind.) For the 2014 learning period, it focused on these three web pages:

http://hyperallergic.com/214618/the-freedmen-fight-for-tribal-citizenship-in-a-new-documentary/

http://news.nationalpost.com/silent-no-more

http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2015/04/10/10-fascinating-documentaries-about-native-americans-you-can-watch-right-now-159964

For the Cherokee Freedmen documentary, the article was not lengthy. It had just gotten put with the others because I was hoping that there might be an opportunity to actually watch the documentary, By Blood. I still hope for that, but the article itself is pretty informative and the trailer gives you a sense of the feeling.

Silent No More does something very important in encouraging young native women to speak and to document their lives. I think the article itself hit a couple of wrong notes, but there is still something valuable going on there. I found it very moving and very sad, even though it is also hopeful. It is interesting seeing the similarities and differences for Canada.

Of course the big thing was the page with 10 Fascinating Documentaries. Some were more fascinating than others. I kind of hated one, but we'll get to that. I am just going to review them in the same order in which they are listed on the page.

Totem Culture (2012) 17:42 minutes

A Canadian school in Hong Kong brings a Tsimshian artist from BC to carve two totem poles.

This focuses on the people, and there is a lot of fondness among them, with teachers for the artist and everyone for the former principal who had the original idea. That makes it not particularly deep, but it is sweet, and interesting to hear them discuss the incorporation of the two traditions, like deciding the placement of the poles by feng shui.

Dakota 38 (2012) 1:18:12

This was the most emotionally moving for me. One man's dream (literally) leads to a ride to the site of a hanging of 38 Sioux elders, arriving on the anniversary. Initially starting with a feeling that this is about connecting with the past, as they go they speak in their stopping places, and connect with Natives and non-Natives alike, it is clearly also for the present and future. It becomes very emotional, and hopeful. The hardest part then is seeing over the credits memorials for three of the original riders who have since died, including one who was too young.

Wacipi Powwow (1995) 57:03

This is a look at Powwow culture, showing many of the dances and talking with the dancers. It's a good look at how it builds community and preserves ties.

Trudell (2005) 1:18:23

This is a documentary about Native American poet and activist John Trudell. I was not previously familiar with him. I have read about some of the actions that he participated in, but did not remember his name from them. Initially there are a lot of famous white people talking about how much he moved them, which made me a little leery. Frankly, the documentary would have been fine without them, but it probably works as a way of making people feel they should pay attention.

There was this foreshadowing at one point that something terrible was going to happen, but I wasn't expecting what it was, with his wife and children (along with his mother-in-law) dying in a house fire that was arson, though it was never resolved who set it. That he had to survive that is hard, but he says it came through words that his wife gave to him. He was already an activist, but that may have been his true birth as a poet. I do want to read more by him.

American Red and Black: Stories of Afro-Native Identity (2006) 37:13

This talks to many natives with African blood, going over the identity issues. I was already somewhat familiar due to Black Indian: An American Story, which was actually from my 2014 Black History reading, but that's okay - sometimes there is overlap, and this is an important story. This film has some great footage.

Allan Houser: Apache Legacy (2014) 12:15

This was a nice surprise, because once they started talking about Houser and showing his work, I realized I had seen an exhibit of his sculptures at the Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian when I was in DC. I remembered the work, but not the name, so this was nice to see and to learn a little more about him.

Russell Means: Welcome to the Reservation (2011) 1:35:59

I watched this last, procrastinating not just because it was the longest, but also because Means is not always wrong, but he is wrong often enough.

I still have some affection for him so this made me sad because he comes off as the grumpy old man rambling on about the government and yelling at the kids on his lawn. At the same time, I was thinking how some on the right could really welcome him. Therefore, seeing that this is associated with Alex Jones wasn't too surprising. I don't think the questions they asked or the way they strung them together did Means any favors. I don't think they misrepresented him, either, but they didn't do him any favors. It's just sad. It's not that he never says anything meaningful either, but you have to wade through a lot.

Indian Warriors: The Untold Story of the Civil War (2006) 44:38

This is probably the best historically, based on covering interesting information well, and being really well made. There were people I had never heard of, but there were also some familiar stories given new context. Highly recommended.

Code of Honor: Comanche Code Talkers of World War II (2013) 28:30

This combined two components, both of which were valuable, but perhaps did not blend as well as they could. One part is reading excerpts from the diaries of the Code Talkers. These passages do not mention their mission, which they would not have been able to record based on its highly confidential nature. You get a feeling from that, but it would be similar to other soldiers.

There is also dialog for the actual battle exchanges, with translations, showing you the kind of information that would be exchanged, which then makes it clear how important not being understood by the enemy is. There was probably room for two good documentaries here.

Montana Mosaic: Indian Boarding Schools (2006) 15:10

It is good that this one was short, because the stories of the boarding schools are always so terrible that it can be overpowering to spend a lot of time on it. I guess in that way it was not so much new information, but there was one thing that had never connected for me before. Cutting hair was something that was done for mourning, and the closer the relative the more hair you cut. So when children who did not speak English were taken away from their family and had their braids cut off, without being able to understand yet, their conclusions would have to have been terrible. I mean, they were trying to destroy the identities anyway, so maybe if the people in charge had understood that would have only reinforced their behavior, but it's a lot of cruelty.