Things I am not working on: Driving

On my last round of soul searching before this one, I looked at the three basic areas of my life where I felt like I needed to make changes, and basically decided to ignore two of them, because fixing the third would make fixing the second easier, which would in turn be helpful for the first. (That order is probably arbitrary.)

I think I have another long series coming on, which is handy, because I am blogging daily through the 25th, but for now I will say that one thing I could have added—a fourth problem area—is driving, and I am just not working on it.

There are many times when I feel how lame it is to not have my license, like having my mother pick me up after karaoke. Sure, I am in a bar, but I’m not drinking. As far as that goes, I didn’t even want her to pick me up. I planned on taking the bus, but she worries about me getting raped or murdered or hit by a car, none of which are impossible.

At some point it becomes a compromise, and it is a familiar compromise at this point. When I went to Toronto, I called home every night. I felt lame, but I had a worried mother who needed the check-in to feel good. She would have felt even better if I had not traveled thousands of miles away alone (you know how dangerous Canada is), but I wasn’t going to give up the trip, so calling is reasonable.

The bar pickup is worse. The fact that I can take a vacation by myself and be perfectly happy kind of speaks well of me, as someone who is capable and adventuresome. Not driving, on the other hand, is something I kind of hate, and am ashamed of. Maybe part of that is all of the bad memories from the time when learning to drive went so very, very wrong.

I actually can drive, though I have not done it for a while. I am a very conscientious driver, if a little overly cautious. That’s because I am terrified. It just feels like everything is happening so fast, and there is the potential for so much damage, and that at any moment my father is going to come yell at me.

I do want to get over this at some point, but it will require time for practice, it will probably require some money, and I will need to have other stressors under control. I have had periods in this past two years with a lot of time, but there was a lot of stress and no money, and I just wasn’t there. Now I have replaced the old stress with new stress, which is good, and will turn out well, but I have absolutely no time, and it will be a while before money feels comfortable again. Ultimately, I just don’t have it in me. Sorry, it’s one more entry on a long list.

At least the new job comes with a bus pass.


22 minutes walking outside
Push-ups
Mark 7 – Mark 14