Never one
to shy away from stating the obvious, I'm going to come right out and say that
trying to heal emotionally, which is very entwined with the physical, while
also attempting to make my writing pay and not drop any of the balls that I
already had in the air, is hard.
It's
tiring, it's easy to lose my place, and all of the wounds that aren't healed
yet are likely to reopen.
I
periodically refer back to my paper, but some of the things written there are
things I want, or problems I see, and some are things to do. Today I want to
review the action items so I have a clearer picture of that going in.
Some of
them are things I have already done. I figured out what I needed to regarding
the chakras. I think I am done there, at least for now.
The idea
that came with them, of building on a foundation, relates to something else I
wrote. There are some words linked horizontally:
Don't cry -
shame - fat - can't be loved - can't trust/Dad/driving
That's the
order those things happened in, and they did build on each other. Getting over
not being able to drive feels really important, but I don't feel capable of
taking it on. Maybe it's because it came last, and other things need to be
strengthened first before there is enough of a foundation for it.
I do have some
ideas for things that would help. Bridgestone has a driving course that helps
acclimate you to driving in bad weather, and there are racing classes and even
stunt driving classes. I am not sure how practical some of those would be, but
if I add an element of mastery to driving, where I am studying it aggressively
and pushing the limits, then maybe I won't be scared on the streets. It's just
something I can take on now.
Under
disconnection with body I have "Reconnect", with "Physical needs
met" below that, and various things that I try to do to the side. They are
all self-care really, remembering to take care of my body, because it has
value, and to take care of me, because I have value. Sometimes I am more in the
zone than others. That one will always be ongoing.
I have a
reference to old pictures, referring to the Throwback Thursdays. That's in
progress, and about halfway done. The other part of that, though, will be
selfies - probably daily selfies for a year. If I had a smart phone, and could
just snap a picture and post it, I might start that now, or maybe take a weekly
selfie and start daily ones after the last Throwback Thursday. Other people
have found it helpful, and I am going to try it, but I am allowing the
technical issues to delay it.
Well, the
technical issues plus I am doing something else. If I get to the last Thursday
(November 12th) and I still don't have a smart phone, I guess I will start
taking them daily with my regular camera, but maybe I will only upload and post
them weekly.
The other
thing I have below that is to go through my old mission journals. I have wanted
to go back and transcribe them before, but it's a big project. I feel like it
will be pertinent here because as we are thinking about loneliness and trust,
there may be some pertinent companion issues in my past. I can see maybe
starting that in August. I came home in August 1994, so there's some symmetry
there.
"Writing
a fat heroine" - that is under "able to see the good", meaning
to visualize a positive outcome for me as fat. I believe in the importance of
representation, and I have read some powerful pieces on it, but that is
something I have always held back from. Even when my heroines are really close
to me personality-wise, they are always thinner. Claudia feels fat, but she
isn't really; she's just not skinny.
There is a
practical aspect to that, because so many stories have been set in dangerous
landscapes - post-apocalyptic or not - that being spry just increases one's
odds of survival. I might be good at killing giant spiders, but you've got to
run and hide sometimes.
Still,
while fully acknowledging that there is a lot to unravel with health and fat
and attractiveness and ridiculous standards, my worth as a person is
independent of my dress size, and I should be able to believe that, and believe
that I am worthy of love as I am. There is an abyss between that and where I
am, but it's important to traverse.
That ties
in with the other thing I wrote:
"I
need to get comfortable with being lonely."
It made sense
when I wrote that, because I need it to not be desperate about it, and when I
wrote it, it seemed impossible that it would ever change.
I'm not
sure I should settle for that, but I'm not sure exactly what goes into settling
or not settling. That one may have to be the last thing I work on. Except for
driving.
And I am
adding making a vision board to help me put it all together with the things
that I want.
No comments:
Post a Comment