I’m not male-bashing – 329

That’s not to say that I never do. They really make it easy with all of the stupid things they do. Granted, females can be stupid too, but we are stupid in our own way that men can never understand, when they are stupid is such reliably simple ways. It is just a very common thing that when two or more of us are discussing our problems, something will come up about stupid men, and it is the most natural thing in the world. At least the stupid part is; sometimes the men part sounds like a stretch, so we will say “boys” or “guys”.

Which is fine of course, except that for all the commonality that we find in our own gender, we are all different, and the men are too. No matter how constraining the traditions are, where the male is the one who gets to pursue and choose, then he also has the responsibility to pursue and to choose, and how can that not be intimidating? I do understand something about being held back by fear.

So I can’t condemn them that much. As I have gotten to know different guys (often therapeutically helping them prepare for the girl they like that way, as opposed to me), I have found fears about being able to provide for a family, fears of rejection, actual cases of rejection that hurt a lot, and fear of not being good enough.

Some cases evoke more sympathy than others. The guy who was torn between the girl he found attractive and the girl he loved to talk to, well, when he went for the attractive one, I kind of felt like he deserved what he got, except it left the girl he had all the long conversations with hurt, and maybe it would have been nice for the other girl to find someone who didn’t think she was stupid.

The ones who are scared that no one will want them, and feel like no one should want them, they’re probably wrong, but it’s hard to see and I can’t judge.

On one level, each of them needs to work out his own individual problem, and yet the answer will be the same each time. Look to God and let Him heal you. Wes, it will involve scary painful things, but those are there anyway, it’s just whether you are going to acknowledge them so you can get them to leave.

Nonetheless, there are a few common fallacies or pitfalls out there, that it’s a good idea to look out for.

Fear that you will not find “the one”: Good news. There is almost certainly not a “the one”. There are probably a few ones that would be great, and more that would be fine, but a lot of marriage is going to be what you put into it, as well as whom you bring to it. Regardless, the solution is fairly simple. After understanding that you can choose, pray for guidance in making good choices. That way if there is a special one you are open to being led, and yet you are still leaving room for self-direction.

Fear that you will commit to one girl, and then a better one will come along: So the beautiful thing about marriage is that if you commit right, you quit looking, and you won’t even know if someone better comes along. That might sound pessimistic, but assuming you aren’t settling, you committed to someone whom you loved, and believed you could be happy with, and prayed about and got confirmation on. Now just focus on nurturing that relationship.

Fear of opening up: When I first used the nickname “Mr. Intimacy Issues”, at least three people identified him right away, but it’s funny because I can think of at least two other guys it would work on, and probably more. Again, I sympathize. We have horrible, yucky things inside us and not only will other people run away from them in fear, but then we have to look too, except that we are all the same. Maybe there are some remarkably shallow people out there who have no dark fears or shames or empty spots, but the primary thing I have learned from opening up everything is that everyone understands. They have felt it too. And if you do find someone heartless enough to be cruel about your humanity, the problem is with them. It may be best to think of these things as shadows. They are dark forms that aren’t quite defined, but letting the light in destroys them completely. Keeping them shut up only strengthens them.

Now monetary fears make a lot of since, especially now, and again this is harder for the boys because they are expected to be the breadwinner, and often it is a blow to the ego to make less than her, or to not make enough to support her on your own. The first thing to do is kick your ego out. Believe me, nothing good will come of it. Then, just open your mind to possibilities.

I taught a Sunday School lesson ages ago where I used that as an example of a fear, and how you need to open yourself up. So if you just think, I can’t afford a family, you stop there, and don’t have one. However, if you phrase it as how can I do this, then maybe you will work hard in a horrible but well-paying job for five years and save up, or maybe you will use investments wisely, or maybe you will be the househusband, or maybe you will shop at second-hand stores while gardening and having each vacation be camping in the backyard, or maybe you will supplement the second job with a home business. The point was, if this is something you need to do, there will be a way.

Afterwards, one guy came up to me and said I had just addresses all of his fears about marriage. (Actually, I had given the lesson with him and one other guy in mind.) Now, it then took him at least another four years to get married, but he did it, and now he has a new little daughter.

I know facing fear is not easy, but it’s the only way to live. And I firmly believe that we can get answers and guidance. I’ll share one small example of that.

When I was working on “everything”, in one section I reviewed my adherence to each of the ten commandments (a lot of it was religious). I got hung up on the tenth, Thou shalt not covet. I was pretty sure it was not a problem for me, but I felt strongly that I needed to dig deeper. So I kept focusing, and I thought about jealousy, and my mind went back to the middle of my time of despair when I was leaving a wedding reception, and I ran into “Bob” with the girl he ended up marrying. That didn’t seem quite right, because I wasn’t feeling jealous then, and it was a situation where it would have made sense, but I kept feeling like I needed to figure it out, so I thought and felt more, and then I had the breakthrough.

I realized that the reason I was not feeling jealousy was that I didn’t feel like I deserved him. I don’t know if this is how jealousy works for everyone, but for me, I was too far below it to even get there. And it unlocked something because a lot of times I thought what was holding me back was fear, but it did not always make sense because I have done some pretty brave things at times too, especially when my sense of justice was affected. What held me back was my sense of my own merit. In its own way, it was devastating—it almost seemed worse than cowardice would have been. Still, I grew from that realization, and if you listen thoughts and dreams and memories can all guide you to where you need to be.

Fear of not being worthy: Worthiness is a choice. You already have the ability, whether it seems possible or not. You just have to be willing to pay the price.

Of course, whether you are dragging a load of fears around or fighting them head-on, it can wear you down, but I think we are actually more likely to give up if we just get distracted with other things and forget about it. You should not give up.