Was there a point to this? – 330.5

Okay, we are almost at the end of this journey, and the humiliation has not been as bad as it could have been. I guess some things you grow out of, and some things you just need to forgive yourself for.

So, why the need to relive my romantic past, such as it was? Am I just ridiculously self-absorbed, assuming that everyone should rightly be interested? I hope not; that type of person really annoys me.

I have mentioned before that I worked on this paper that was kind of therapy for me. There were things I wanted to write about and explore, and I knew it would end up being about 200 pages, and I just kind of wanted to work everything out. I wish I had kept track of the dates that I worked on it, because it took a while and I wasn’t consistent, but it was helpful, and I understood things a lot better at the end.

I did cover my romantic history there too, which took over thirty pages, and it was good, but I wasn’t done.

For one thing, this work (I don’t even know what to call it. I named the Word document “everything”,) is very much private. I don’t know that I would ever let anyone else have access to it. I would discuss any individual part, but just handing someone the key to all of your baggage is kind of big, and probably not appropriate in most circumstances. At the same time, an important part of dealing with things for me is being able to put them out there, saying “no” to shame and insecurity about what other people will think. This series has given me a chance to take that specific aspect of me and put it out there.

In addition, I think there are some issues that you can’t fix all at once. You size up the problem, and you work on it, and there is resolution, so you think “Great!” Later on, your experience changes, and you have grown and learned, and there were nuances that you were not even capable of seeing during the first round. I believe I needed another round.

One reason for this is the list. I summarized some lessons at one point, and there was a common thread. See if you can spot it:

· If I hit it off with someone at a dance, I will not give him a break from me to keep him from getting tired of me. I will ask if he wants to go somewhere and talk.
· When I am friends with someone talented, and I feel inferior, I will see if maybe we can work together to improve.
· If I need a date for something specific, I will ask the person I really want instead of the one I think I can get.
· If a cute boy is looking at me, I will look back and smile, not quickly turn away. I will even say hi if appropriate.
· If I am talking to someone, and like the conversation, I will stay in it, and not run away, asking questions and contributing answers.
· If I confess my love to a boy, and he is nice about it, and I keep running into him, I will just ask him out, and give him a chance to express his side.
· If I have to go away, I will ask if we can stay in touch.
· If I like someone, and am giving him something, I can include my phone number or a way to contact me.

If you have been keeping track, you can probably identify which person inspired it, except for the last one. That was an issue with Cute Cafeteria Guy. I gave him some jelly once, and brought him back a t-shirt from Hawaii, and I just should have given him my phone number. Those cafeteria lines always move so fast, we really needed a chance to get out of the line. Maybe he would have called.

That one isn’t a huge regret, because I don’t think we would have ended up together, but it reminds me of another one. Do we have time for one more boy?

It’s another Kevin, and since I knew him after high school, and to avoid confusion with my prom date, I should really give him a code name, but I just can’t. There is no mystery about him. He was just a good-looking boy at church. He would normally have been pretty boring, despite being good-looking, but he looked a bit like Mitch (less sturdy, but same coloring and height) and he could sing. I’m a sucker for that.

We talked and flirted some, and at one point I thought he might like me, but then I asked him out and he said no, and against my own rules I tried another time or two, but we never went out. (I broke that rule with “Bob” the accountant too. Doing that has never paid off.)

One time a bunch of us were helping to clean out the house that had caught fire. They needed to get all of their possessions out before the company that would clean the walls and rugs could come in. Afterwards, we were all standing around talking, and Kevin was to my right, and I just had this impulse to put my arm around his waist, maybe lean on his shoulder a little. I stifled it.

It is not a huge regret because I don’t think we would have had a future, and I am fine with that (just too bland), but there are things about it that could have been good. For one, just believing in myself would have been good, and getting better at flirting would be good.

Really, I have no experience now. If I had dated a few of these guys, I might be better-adjusted, and more ready for a relationship, and feel like less of a freak. I have not seen “The 40-year Old Virgin” (give me four years and I can use the title), but I remember in the trailers a scene where Steve Carell says “I just kind of stopped trying.”

It rung very true. It’s easy to let a lot of time go by without even trying anymore. The bad experiences can be really excruciating, and it’s not like you have to date. A bad job sucks, and it can make you not want to try anymore, but unless you have someone to mooch off of you either go get another job or you can give up and become a crazy homeless person. The motivation to move on is strong. Love is much more optional. But it is a very tempting option, and it is something I want for myself.

I guess really I did this in the hopes that I can put the old mistakes behind me. The question is, how many new mistakes can I discover? I’m guessing ten.