Never been kissed – 330

Shortly before I turned twenty, I remember starting to worry about the fact that it hadn’t happened yet. I remember considering the possibility of just asking John Thomas to kiss me the night before. (I didn’t.)

It wasn’t that I’d never had an opportunity. I had gone on a few dates the year before, and the one with Bill had turned quite awkward at the front porch. Clearly he was expecting one (I later found out that he and his sister were both notorious kissers), and I was attracted to him, but it just didn’t feel right. I guess I had always equated kisses with love, and I liked Bill but I certainly did not love him.

Earlier I wrote that I was not sure whether or not to regret not kissing Dan in the student center. I liked him, but I did not love him, and so it would have gone against my sense of the romantic I suppose. At the same time, maybe expecting the first kiss to be so special puts too much of a burden on it, and you are better off getting it out of the way early.

Certainly, given the opportunity at the right times, I would have kissed Mike, or Grant, or probably even Bobby. I would kiss Mitch in a heartbeat. But I never dated any of them, and the guys that I did date, I not only never kissed but I never progressed with.

I have been on a lot of first dates, but I was always the one who asked, and then I would wait to see if they asked me out in reciprocation, and they never did. Some people have said that’s a rule—if you ask the guy out first, he will never ask you out even if he had previously been interested in you. It’s almost too stupid to worry about, like if he is that much of an idiot, do you really want him? However, idiocy has never stopped a man from being loved. Regardless, if you don’t plan on kissing on the first date, and you never get a second date, time flies and you end up as a thirty-six year old with virgin lips.

I don’t mind being an actual virgin (despite some frustrations). I am committed to chastity, and so if I am not married, that’s just a part of it. However, I don’t think kissing would be morally wrong, and I still can’t pull it off. And yet it is all part of the same thing, because I don’t want to just kiss anyone, I want it to be special, and so the real problem isn’t whether I have kissed or not, it is that I haven’t had a boyfriend since sixth grade, or gotten even close to building that kind of a relationship.

Of course, I never believed that I could, but I also did not really face that belief. I always just kind of thought that I would eventually lose weight and find love (in that order), and even when I was asking guys out, I was doing it based on whether I thought they would say “yes” rather than how much I liked them.

I honestly don’t feel like pursuing anyone now, but I do need to leave myself open to new experiences, and to happiness. As it is, probably the first boy who kisses me will win my heart completely, whether it is a good decision or not. I will just have to hope that he is not completely put off by my lack of experience. It seems to me that getting good at it would take some practice, but I would get it down eventually. And when the time comes, I will be absolutely gifted at sex. I can feel it.