So now what? – 328.5

A few months ago, one of my sisters was out with a (married) friend, catching up with each other, and the friend asked her what her plan was. Maria was like, well, I want to go back to school, and talking career. Her friend persisted, “But what’s your plan?” meaning, what about marriage.

It’s not an unusual question for the persistent single, but exactly what kind of a plan are we supposed to have?

· I’m going to find someone who looks good and faint in front of him. That will really bond us.
· I’m going to club a guy over the head with a rolling pin and drag him off to my cave.
· The psychic told me I will meet him in November and his name begins with L.
· Every night I spend a few minutes visualizing my wedding, and then I do a small set of vocal affirmations about how I will find love.

I’m just not sure how much can realistically be planned. I know girls who have set dates and prayed, or asked friends for fix-ups, or moved to different states in pursuit of the dream, but often it seems like they are trying to manipulate something that is a little bit wild, and I’ve been skeptical. Based on their results, I’m still skeptical.

I did actually come up with one plan that was fairly cynical, though it won’t completely work. I was hoping to have lost more weight by now, and then to lose some on the trip as well, and that all three of us would come back thinner. We probably still will, but not as much as I had hoped. My plan was that as we returned sleeker, tanned, rested, and not having been seen by anyone for a month, on our first Sunday back at church we could wear a little bit shorter skirts, with a little bit tighter sweaters, and long blonde wigs, and sit in a different spot and let the boys flock to us. And then, we would probably punch anyone who did flock, because come on!

Julie and Maria said it was a stupid plan and flat out refused anyway. I think it would be kind of funny, but very irritating if it worked. If it didn’t work, it would be kind of insulting.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with making oneself attractive. I like a cute boy as much as anyone, and I don’t think I should ask the boys to be any less shallow than I am. It’s just that in my present physical state, attractiveness has not really seemed attainable, so I have been shooting for neutral (as in not horrible) for more years than I can remember. Every now and then I will want to look nice for something special, and those are the shopping trips that can really make you suicidal.

Now I am growing my hair out, and to get through that I require the use of styling products, the use of which means that I need to periodically use clarifying shampoo, and as I slowly go down in weight I am slowly incorporating new things into my wardrobe. These are not usually things I outgrew, but things that I got and found I did not feel comfortable wearing. Technically they fit, but they did not fit well, and now they are fitting better. Also, as I become more secure, and happier, I do walk with more confidence, and a little more sway in my hips. I do get more compliments now. They are all from girls, but it’s a start.

I am also still more than a hundred pounds overweight, and already thirty-six years old. These are not strong selling points. I do believe that Jason was attracted to me, and that was seventeen pounds or so ago, but still, my attractiveness is limited, and while these ongoing improvements are nice, they will take a while.

I do not know what will happen, and I don’t really have a plan for love. My plan for life is the only plan that I can have though. I will try to follow God’s plan for me. That means developing talents, and becoming a better person, and listening for the things I need to do. If it means suddenly moving to another state, or changing careers, or approaching a strange guy on the street, I can do that. The good thing about listening is that you get better at it the more you do it.

Even if I end up with a great body, I won’t really do the tight sweaters and short skirts. I see girls who do it, even at church, and they do get male attention, but they are cheapening themselves, probably without even realizing it. Forever 21 is not your friend. It is turning you into a marketable commodity just like every other girl with a similar body type. The dressers that I admire most find clothes that simultaneously suit their body type and their personality, so their outfits are about presenting themselves well, rather than conforming to a stylish image that is generic and, frankly, sexist.

Another thing I won’t do is computer dating. I know it works for a lot of people, and that is great. I’ve tried it do. I had a paid account with e-Harmony for a while. Sometimes we would get to the sending questions stage, but I just never really wanted any of them, and I did not expect them to want me. I suppose on one level I felt that I was not ready (still not worthy of love), but also, I have been so much about the love at first sight that I think I may just need to feel the person’s physical presence to know anything.

I have mentioned that it concerns me that I have no dating experience, and some people have even suggested computer dating just as a way of getting that experience (plus free dinners), but I just don’t want to. I may have to go straight to marriage with my first boyfriend. It could be worse. I mean, I do have human relationship experience in terms of communication and conflict resolution and all of that. I just suspect that the romantic element adds a layer of complexity. Tell me if I’m wrong.

At my most honest, it’s hard to believe at this point that I could end up with anyone but Mitch. He is my default setting now. Whenever some other guy doesn’t work out, I return to thinking about him. Sad after fifteen years without seeing him, and yet, every time I think it is ridiculous and that I just need to stop, I will get some thought in my head that does make sense, and it is calming enough.

At least I know that I can fall for other people and that does help. If “Bob” had returned my affections, I believe I would have fallen in love with him completely. I was certainly close enough as it was.

There are reassurances. The big one that everyone uses with single women in the church is that if you are righteous, you won’t lose any blessings and it will get fixed in the Millennium, and that’s okay, but it’s sort of like the comfort of the resurrection if you lose someone you love, or a leg. Yes, you will be reunited, and that is good, and knowing is good, but there is pain and loneliness and limping now—maybe for a long time. And maybe it’s shallow and immature but I want romance and that doesn’t sound romantic. However, one day I was thinking about this and probably being fairly gloomy, and I heard a voice say “Someone will love you passionately some day.” It’s not a guarantee of happily ever after, but it was enough, and I carry that with me.

So, no, I do not have a master plan for getting married. I have tried making lots of plans in the past. I would think, well, if I am not married by the time I am forty I will go into politics, or I will become a foster parent, or I will go back to college and get a masters in psychology and my teaching certificate and work in public schools. I have come up with lots of good plans at times. The problem is that they were really all plans for how to add meaning to my life if it didn’t come on its own, and that forty can come really quickly with nothing interesting happening in between. I am trying to live more meaningfully now, and I am happy doing it, despite a fair share of heartache. It’s just life, and I am just me, but that is actually more than enough.