Nice and Kind

These words are not the same. We use them interchangeably, but the differences are important.

"Nice" was originally used as a synonym for "neat". There is a part in Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey where Henry is teasing Catherine for praising a novel as "the nicest book" and saying it must depend on the binding.

There is a little conversation there about whether he is being too picky, or whether not being picky causes the word to lose its value, and that's a cool discussion to have. I am totally down with that.

I do feel like despite using the words in various ways, there are connotations that remain. If feels to me like we use "nice" more for "pleasant", indicating some focus on the appearance, and that usually "kind" conveys more of a feeling of generosity coming from the heart. We focus too much on being "nice".

I don't actually have anything against things being neat, orderly, and pleasant, but if we are trying to make them seem pleasant when they are not, there's a problem. Putting a fresh coat of paint and adding landscaping to a safe and comfortable house is great. Trying to use paint and flowers to mask rotting wood and an unstable foundation is not cool.

Looking up the word origins, "nice" comes from the Latin nescius, meaning ignorant or incapable. Even better, the way that works is that you have a negative prefix with the word for "to know", scire, which gives us science.

It would probably be carrying things too far to think that the Romans were saying that you can only think things are nice if you are ignorant, or that niceness is for losers. I am not cynical enough to think either of those things either.

I am not even cynical enough to think that every time someone complains about someone else not being nice, that they are doing it in a deliberated attempt to stifle a discussion that needs to be had, or to maintain a position of power. Except, that is a little cynical because thinking that sometimes people are kind of stupid and self-absorbed rather than devious is not super positive. Still, a reasonable response to a request for niceness is "Why?"

I see that as a reasonable response only if kindness is already present, because that is actually important. We need kindness to each other, and to other life, and to the planet. Part of that kindness is that we will face facts. We do look at science. We do look at the impact on people who are not us. We do it with a good heart, but with a good brain too.

There is a phrase that periodically comes to me, "to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable." Both of those things are important. "Nice" will not do the second, and even if it will try the first, "kind" will do a better job.