Just chewed up around the edges

My sisters have several friends in the process of losing parents. We know we are not the only ones.

I am going to sound a little mean about this one.

As much as I acknowledge that life is hard in general, some people do have it easier. One aspect of that may be not having to work.

I also acknowledge that a lot of jobs should have better leave policies and backups in place, especially for illness.

Regardless, if one particular person is a bit more self-absorbed, more demanding of support and sympathy, and also takes a lot of time off work and has more money in the family background... I suspect those things going together is not a coincidence.

Anyway, when asked how she was doing, she said that her therapist said she was "consumed with grief."

That sounds bad, but it is also a luxury and probably not really good for her.  

Yesterday I mentioned realizing that the cumulative grief that keeps welling up is probably a product of grief I have put to the side while doing other things. 

It's not that I never felt any of it, and it's not that there aren't some issues with putting it to the side... I don't think I have been as balanced as I should be.

That being said, I think it is good to have things to do.

It is possible that part of my current crying jags is that it is easier to lose concentration on schoolwork than on a job, though that's questionable too. 

I would say that my being in school instead of having a job is the reason why I am making the phone calls and things, but based on past history there is a good chance I'd have been the one doing a lot of that anyway. Is our family perfectly balanced? No. I am not sure if we are worse than other families, but no.

I still see some advantage to us in that we have to rally ourselves and keep going, over and over again.  

I like that about us, but I also see the downside. One point Pauline Boss made in The Myth of Closure is that we can't have resilience be the solution for social ills that we could prevent.

Children can be resilient, it is true, but that does not mean that experiencing hunger or homelessness is good for them, especially if we start looking at research into Adverse Childhood Experiences.

I am grateful to be in school right now, and that I have some control over my schedule. 

I am also grateful that I  have to report to my mentor weekly and to my Employment Department person every two weeks. That makes a difference.

I am grateful to have a sense of responsibility that was developed over the years and does relate at least partially to hardships. 

I am also fortunate to live with people who do have jobs; I would feel some shame if I wallowed too much. Also we have the same heartache going on and can commiserate about it.

Frankly, some extra money would solve a lot of our issues, and it would be great if that were an option. 

For now, we are getting by.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/03/is-that-what-was-happening.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/12/dealing-with-ambiguity.html 

Over the holiday break...

I haven't written one of these kinds of posts since December 18th.

There is a level on which I thought that was very sensible, because people are busy over the holidays.

I would be lying if I said school and grief weren't issues.

The grief is an important part of that.

I wrote various cards and letters, because the holidays are also a good time to connect. I even talked to some people. 

One thing that kept coming up is how the grief is overtaking me more now. 

In some ways this is practical. I am writing to funeral homes and updating the death list and messaging siblings and answering their questions. The sense of the impending loss is more present now.

In another way, I have been feeling like it shouldn't be this bad. We have been dealing with losing Mom for literally years. Since I am still quite sure that is going to be much worse when she actually does die, why does it also have to be worse now?

It hardly seems fair.

But many of these conversations and letters and thoughts have been with other people who have faced loss, including sometimes specifically with dementia.

It has been good to catch up, and has also shed some light.

Over the years I have felt grief, but I have also put a fair amount of it to the side because there were things I needed to do. 

Now a lot of the things I am doing are specifically about that. It's not really at the side, and there has been enough grief accumulated that it could be coming out for a while.

Also, one of the things I decided to do was that January would all be songs that related to my parents and this process. In the song selection I am deliberately listening to songs that bring strong emotions. That is self-inflicted.

But there is relief in it as well.

And I am going to need to draft an obituary. 

I do keep learning more. I am sure at some point there will be posts about what questions to ask and things to think about when a loved one is dying. I like being able to be helpful, and to take all of these thoughts and problems and put them into words.

I am okay and this is hard.

Those things are equally true. 

Songs for Native American Heritage Month

This year has been largely about things not fitting into easy boxes but still being okay.

Last year's Hispanic Heritage Month daily songs stretched from September 17th through November 24th, giving short shrift to Native American Heritage Month.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/daily-songs-for-hispanic-heritage-month.html  

I kind of had in mind that I would make up for that this year, and the article with the Indigenous Halloween playlist got the ball rolling.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/11/songs-squeezed-in-between-things.html 

That (plus a couple of my own) gave me Indigenous artists from October 24th through November 4th; what was I going to do after that?

I was reading The Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley, and there were some cars that were important to the story as well as actual attendance at a powwow, and I just kept thinking of "NDN Kars" by Keith Secola. I had to start there. 

11/5 “NDN Kars” by Keith Secola

Looking for some inspiration, I found that the ACLU has a Native American Heritage Month playlist compiled by their Native and Indigenous staff. Listening to that, I found other songs that I liked and wanted to include.

In some cases they were inspired by the list. For example, I used a different Testament song than the one that was on the list, but I had not even had Testament in mind, so the list was still helpful. 

Also, this playlist is how I discovered that Romeo Void's Debora Iyall was Cowlitz; I'd had no idea.

11/6 “Yellowstone” by Digawolf
11/7 “I’m Alive (Life Sounds Like)” by Michael Franti
11/8 “Idle No More” by Pura Fé
11/9 “Why” by Supaman
11/10 “American Dream” by Raya Zaragoza
11/11 “Fallen Soldiers” by Inez Jasper feat. Fawn Wood
11/12 “Train, Train” by Blackfoot
11/13 “Imigtaq” by Riit
11/14 “Peace and Power” by Joanne Shenandoah
11/15 “Witchi Tia To” by Jim Pepper
11/16 “I Didn’t Know” by Sugluk
11/17 “The Devil Is a Blue-Eyed Man” by Celeigh Cardinal
11/18 “Bombs Over Baghdad” by John Trudell
11/19 “La Danza Azteca” by Nauhuatl Sound System
11/20 “Heart Song” by Ronnie Spector
11/21 “Cherokee Morning Song” by Walela
11/22 “Future Street” by Martha Redbone
11/23 “Closer Still” by Douglas Spotted Eagle
11/24 “Soft Stud” by Black Belt Eagle Scout
11/25 “Pueblos” by Sara Curruchich feat. Lila Downs
11/26 “Vibrant Colors” by Zoon
11/27 “Inter-Tribal” by Thunder Mountain Singers
11/28 “Love Song” by Nukariik
11/29 “Native Funk” by Burning Sky
11/30 “The Big Ones Get Away” by Buffy Sainte-Marie
12/1 “Big City Dreams” by Adrain Sutherland
12/2 “Just Too Easy” by Romeo Void
12/3 “Trail of Tears” by Testament
12/4 Ghost Dance by Bill Miller

I had also had in mind to give all of the artists with Halloween songs other songs, so I did some additional listening to each of those ten artists (as well as RedCloud who is from my own list). 

I gave more than one extra song to Link Wray. I regret nothing.

12/5 “Wovoka” by Redbone
12/6 “Slinky” by Link Wray
12/7 “Broken Arrow” by Robbie Robertson
12/8 “Immutaa” by Beatrice Deer
12/9 “Dangerous Games” by Derek Miller
12/10 “Would You Know Love” by Crystal Shawanda
12/11 “Landback” by Kristi Lane Sinclair
12/12 “Put Your Feathers On” by Blue Moon Marquee
12/13 “Burn It Down” by Lightning Cloud feat. Pigeon John
12/14 “Electric Pow Wow Drum” by Halluci Nation
12/15 “Complicated” by Breach Of Trust
12/16 “Ice People” by Link Wray
12/17 “Tapatio” by RedCloud feat. Pigeon John

At this point we were getting pretty close to Christmas. I was looking up Christmas songs by Indigenous artists, as well as looking for playlists. (I did find some, but they weren't as good.)

I also started remembering old favorites, and wanting to work them in.

First of all, I would hate to omit the Snotty Nose Rez Kids, and I found a timely one that was even featured on Resident Alien, which I am totally going to watch some day.

12/18 “Bougee Natives” by Snotty Nose Rez Kids

I thought a lullaby was a nice start in to the Christmas music even if it was not particularly Christmas-themed. It may have been kind of uneven to go from "Bougee Natives" to a lullaby then to two songs that are really more humorous in nature. I did get more traditional after that.

12/19 “Lakota Lullaby” by Robert Tree Cody
12/20 “Twelve Indian Days of Christmas” by War Scout
12/21 “Stuck in the Smoke Hole of Our Tipi” by Elder Oldhands
12/22 “Away in a Manger” by John Two-Hawks
12/23 “The First Noel” by Douglas Blue Feather
12/24 “O Holy Night” by Jana Mashonee
12/25 “Christmas Night (Arbeau’s Orchésographie)” by Bill Miller
12/26 “Coventry Carol” by R. Carlos Nakai with William Eaton
12/27 “Holly and Ivy” by Painted Raven
12/28 “O Sanctissima” by Alice Gomez

Then it was back to old favorites.

As hard as it can be for me to include Jeremy Dutcher without including "Mehcinut", I thought "Ancestor's Too Young" was a better companion to Frank Waln's "Concentration Camp Blues". They may also be better-suited for this time. 

12/29 “Concentration Camp Blues” by Frank Waln
12/30 “Ancestors Too Young” by Jeremy Dutcher

Then I ended with Michael Bucher's "Don't Forget About Me".

That's not the first time I have ended a sequence on him, but it remains important. 

This is a time led by abusive people and loud distractions where it can feel impossible to keep up and stay grounded.

We still need to try.

12/31 “Don’t Forget About Me” by Michael Bucher

Resist. 

Ghostly Children's Picture Books

Or should I say Booooooo-ooks?

I made it through the 272 listings under "ghosts" and "children's picture books".

Well, it was a little more complicated than that. 

The library changed their search page and results started coming up differently. I was adapting to that, then I managed to find a link to the old page. I did searches with both to try and be complete.

There were some results that I did not read. For example, there were a bunch of Scooby-Doo books that were for putting words together, but I have seen the cartoons. There were also many children's versions of A Christmas Carol, with which I am already quite familiar. 

Still, I read a lot. I never did find the one where maybe the girl's mother was tricking her into thinking the house was haunted.

If you do follow me on Goodreads, you may know that my book count for the year is just over 300. No, I did not enter most of the books. 

There are a lot of children's books in that count, but I generally only enter children's books if they are especially good or culturally significant or something. Remember, a lot of children's books are just okay; there is nothing wrong with that. Going back through Goodreads now to see which ones stood out to me, not having entered all of them helps.

With that, some of my favorites were Hush, Baby Ghostling by Andrea Beaty, Ghastly Ghosts by Teresa Bateman, Leonard Builds a Haunted House by Tom Ciccotello, and, most of all, Ghost Cat by Kevan Atteberry.

As I get more into the YA and Middle Reader ghost books, there will be some common themes that become apparent.

In this case, the field was so broad that there were several subcategories.

There are many stories about shy, sweet ghosts. When I was a child in pediatrician waiting rooms, that was Robert Bright's Georgie, but he has since been joined by Gilbert the Ghost (Guido Van Genechten), Gustavo the Shy Ghost (by Flavia Z. Drago), and Jane Thayer's Gus Was a Friendly Ghost.

Clearly alliteration is a useful tool for making something non-threatening.

Making ghosts non-threatening is one way to help children deal with fears, but making ghosts scared (instead of scary) was another popular theme.  

This came up many times, but among the best were The Ghost Who Was Afraid of Everything by Nadia Ahmed and multiple books about The Teeny Tiny Ghost by Kay Winters. (I especially like how supportive his teacher is.) 

One that was not great but reasonably cute was Gracie Meets a Ghost by Keiko Sena. 

Nearsighted Gracie can't see the ghost well enough to be scared. He helps her find her glasses so he can scare her, but she gets them on just as the sun rises and he fades away. Her friendliness and optimism prevents the experience from being scary.

Friendliness and kindness were part of another theme that led to some of my favorites. Maybe the ghosts wanted to be difficult, but persistent good treatment (and sometimes asking the right questions) led to good outcomes.

That gives us Aggie and the Ghost, by Matthew Forsythe, The Bake Shop Ghost by Jacqueline K. Ogburn, and Boo Cowby Patricia Goehner Baehr. 

My sister actually bought Boo Cow after I showed it to her. Also Poultrygeist by Eric Geron. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/04/spooky-season-hodgepodge-and-hereafter.html  

 

Dealing with death

On of the stories featured in The Myth of Closure was a woman whose husband was lost at sea. 

An acquaintance advised her to just call herself a widow already; it's not like anyone would know the difference.

She would know the difference.

Boss also mentioned families who lost members at the World Trade Center on 9/11. They often accepted death certificates for legal reasons and convenience. Having death legally declared, and being mostly sure that their loved one was in fact dead still left their loss complicated and ambiguous.

I have been thinking about the "convenience" part.

It is not at all unusual that even when everyone is sure of the death, we feel uncomfortable. We worry about saying the wrong thing.  

In my first round of reading about death, I mentioned that one of the books that came from from The Year of Magical Thinking was an etiquette guide by Emily Post. There used to be firmer rules about the formal handling of grief.

One reason I went to the Odditorium was for the exhibit on Victorian mourning, like maybe there would be some good ideas there. It wasn't particularly helpful.

Even when you know that someone is definitely gone, and you understand the reason why and there is nothing to fight on it, that will often not feel tidy.

One of the discussions we have had about this long goodbye with my mother is whether to have a funeral when the time comes. They had started being less common at the start of the pandemic, partly because of fears of contagion but also because of how quickly deaths were happening.

Some siblings were against having a funeral. I believe that is because at a funeral one has messy emotions and there are witnesses; they are not into that. I worried that other family members would feel cheated by that or that it was disrespectful, but everyone seems to be on board.

I also worried that maybe funerals are a community's way of coming together and telling each other, yes, this person is gone, and they were valuable to us. I have had very touching experiences at funerals and memorial services, so that can be something. Would we be missing out?

Maybe it is to get closure.

The problem with that is no matter how specific a timeline you set, it will be wrong. You will find yourself laughing when the grief is very fresh; then when it is older and appears mostly healed sharp stabs of grief will strike. 

Oh yeah, that hurt. 

One of the books in my "daughters" reading was The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Dr. David Henry gives away his daughter born with Down Syndrome, pretending she died at birth. He gives her to the nurse to take to an institution, but then the nurse adopts her.

The devaluation of children with various conditions, including Down Syndrome, and institutionalization was a real thing; that's part of what inspired the story. The father making that decision unilaterally and lying to everyone is its own issue. 

I suppose to try and keep him relatable and sympathetic, it is based on his grief over his own sister's death, where he is trying to spare others. His family, poor rural people, did not know how to handle grief.

I remember thinking, Really!?! People have been dying since they have been living, generally sooner if you are poor. They had no way to process that!?! It's implied that part of it is their lack of education, but clearly the son's education didn't help.

And yet, given how we struggle sometimes with grief and mourning and supporting each other, maybe Edwards has a point.

The truth is that a funeral or a year of wearing black or covering mirrors for seven days or any other traditions may provide solace and help with reflection, but those things are outer while the healing needed is inside.

It is all very inconvenient. 

We can't always help people with that, but we can show that we care. That part is really important.

Sometimes it will involve fear of saying the wrong thing, but that makes the assumption that any specific things we could say will be wrong or right. 

I remember once getting a thank you card from someone whose mother had died, saying it was the only one that helped.

All I said that that this is going to hurt and it's okay to feel that pain.

This sucks and I am sorry. 

We can be so quick to comfort that we try and rush past the grief. That just prolongs the pain.

It is something we can't control, hence a lot of the discomfort. 

We can try to understand it better, and then adapt. 

An apparent detour: New garden update!

Yes, it SEEMS like a detour.

In September I wrote about delays in planting and germination, so transplanting some volunteer pumpkins without knowing what I would get.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/09/garden-update-now-with-vocab.html 

They turned out to be more like gourds, staying quite small. 

There was another that mostly ripened, then got eaten by critters. A couple of other buds started growing, but were too late to get very big. It could be disappointing, but it would be so easy to have nothing at all.

I am also getting some clover coming in. It is either all volunteer or maybe there are some remnants from when I planted clover a few years ago. 

There is also some grass and weeds that I am going to have to deal with eventually., but that's not why I decided to post again.

Getting only three pumpkin plants -- only one of which survived -- left a lot of empty ground. I had mentioned cover crops and green manure last time.

Fava beans are popular for this. I think this is partly because of how they spread and their size, but also because of the nitrogen-fixing abilities of legumes.

I did not have any fava beans, but I did have some seed packets for peas and beans. 

I sprouted both and they all seemed responsive. Based on where I planted what, it was really the peas that took off. 

They did fill in a lot of the bare patches, and they added some interest, but getting such a late start I did not think they would get that far.

I have blossoms in mid-December.

Okay, it has been wet and warm. Those are not the worst growing conditions, but it is still a little cooler than spring would be, I think. Plus, there shouldn't really be any pollinators left. Without a frost, who knows?

Also, we are quite near the solstice. There are plants where if you plant them too close to the summer solstice, the change from days getting longer to getting shorter inhibits their growth, signaling them to shut down. I have no idea how the wintertime switch to days getting longer will work. 

I assume a frost will come at some point and that should still be a showstopper, but seriously, what do I know?

The planet is changing so quickly and unpredictably that it's hard to plan. We still plan, and plant.

One potential reason that people struggle with ambiguity is that lack of control. 

Not liking the lack of control is very relatable, but it doesn't change anything. Denial doesn't suddenly put you back in charge.

It's best to learn to adapt. 

Dealing with ambiguity

I recently finished The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change.

Well, I finished my first read through last month, but then I wanted to go through it more slowly and with a lot of journal writing. I have read some of the chapters three times now.

I found out that this book existed when I was reviewing books about dementia and saw that Pauline Boss had a new one that dealt specifically with the pandemic.

I have to admit that The Myth of Closure is not Boss' best work, mainly because it feels kind of hurried. 

I can't blame her for this. She was retired and caring for her ailing husband. Then between the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and the murder of George Floyd and ensuing protests, plus the January 6th insurrection, suddenly she was gaining new understanding of her life's work and realizing it was something much bigger. She was also older and more aware of death, where there may have been concerns about being able to finish.

I still found a lot of food for thought, then more as I went back over it more slowly.

It is not unusual to struggle with ambiguity. Remember Fiddler on the Roof? Part of the beauty of tradition was that everyone knew what was expected of them, but what if you don't like the expectations? Sure, that means what if you can't bear to marry someone other than the poor tailor, but also, what if being properly deferential to the Russians doesn't stop them from destroying your property and injuring you?

Can the traditions even withstand being uprooted with everyone heading off to other places?

In the mid-90's I worked with someone who was studying psychology. 

At the time, "dysfunctional families" was kind of a buzz phrase, but she said that people were using it wrong. It didn't mean a "bad" family, but one where the members did not know what was expected of them and did not know how to fit into their roles.

It is possible to have roles and rules that you hate. 

Ambiguity means there is also a chance to change. 

Change is hard, especially when you are trying to change a whole structure, and when others disagree on the necessary changes and don't cooperate. 

There is still an opportunity to make things better. 

Giving meaning to ambiguous loss may mean redefining ourselves and what our relationships look like and what our acceptable results look like, but there is hope in it too.