Falling apart - personal

I hate my job.

I know that's not exactly the right way to say it. For the most part I like the type of work I do, which is helping people. 

I would not automatically hate that I am helping people over the phone, either, except that it is just too much. We are too busy.

That means that before I can finish logging one call, or any time I want to take a moment to check something, my line jangles again. That happening multiple times a day takes a toll on my nerves.

Sometimes at the end of a day, my ears are ringing. I can try and adjust volume to match what is needed for each caller, but it doesn't always work out.

Generally, my body -- even though I did purchase a better chair -- tenses up so much over the course of a day that I end up stiff and sore.

Consistently I grow hoarse from all the talking. I try and mitigate this with cough drops and water, but the cumulative effect means that when I am off work and wanting to talk socially, I get hoarse too easily. Also, I have never been a great singer, but I enjoy singing and this doesn't help.

Even worse is the mental tiredness, which seeps into my off hours when I should have time to do what I want for me and my life. I can't pull myself together right away. Writing may have taken the biggest hit, but I notice more when I can't focus on reading. That's a bad state for me.

I am not sure that five days of work to two days off is the best proportion, but if a large part of the two days off is required for recovering from the five days, then I want at least one more day. Flipping the ratio entirely would be even better.

As it is, too much of my waking life is now frustration, exhaustion, and despair.

Plus, because it is a public-facing job, every now and then someone will just go off on me because they can, or try and guilt me into things that I really have no power to do. Mostly, though, the interactions are fine; there are just too many, coming too close together.

I recently had a review where I expressed these concerns. They said they wanted to keep me, and that they were looking to hire more people soon, but last year that was me. It took a solid two months of training, we lost one person in the middle, another right as we were getting on the phones, and one just dropped out last week. Many other people have been leaving, and I don't know if it's because they feel the same way, or if I am the only one struggling this much. 

For health and time reasons I am glad to work from home, but you don't get to know your coworkers in the same way, or get the same sense of how they are doing.

As it is, when they send around trivia games and getting to know you things, I have tried to participate, but lately I am usually too stressed to even consider it. In fact, I get angry. It's not reasonable, but I created a file for it and had a hard time coming up with a name for the folder other than "Nonsense". (I ended up using "Social".)

Yes, I am looking; no, I have not had any luck.

I could be looking harder; the time and energy crunch is not helpful, but that's to be expected.

Another concern is that I want to continue telecommuting. For a while it looked like the plague was going to let up, but that's not happening. So a job with commuting, travel, or lots of time physically present with others, I could not consider safe.

I am concerned about money. Right now, my house payment is 60% of my take-home pay. Yes, that is also considered the wrong ratio. Regardless, it means I can't afford a pay cut.

My biggest concern, though, is that it won't help; that I will end up in another understaffed/overworked place after I have started over with training.

If it were super-busy, but the kind of busy you could concentrate on -- like answering e-mail in high volumes, or proof-reading, or checking files for accuracy and then publishing -- that would be okay. I might still have to take a pause at the end of the day to recover my concentration, but taking the pressure off my nerves and my voice would be huge.

I just don't know that I have any good options. 

I am trying to find something out there before the phone call that makes me burst into tears, or swear at someone, or just hang up and walk away.

If that got you down, please enjoy this interesting thread on the long history of people not wanting to work!

https://twitter.com/paulisci/status/1549527748950892544

Reading banned books

It's really more "challenged" books, but then we lose the alliteration.

There was a time when I read things based on whether I was interested in them, or if a teacher assigned them, not really thinking about who had a problem with it.

This means that while I haven't really read any Henry Miller or Lady Chatterley's Lover, I have read most Judy Blume books.

I have not read Forever, but that wasn't deliberate. I just never came across it and didn't care enough to seek it out. I know Blume has meant a great deal to many young people, and I appreciate that, but I am fairly neutral.

I did read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in school, and agreed with other friends that the challenges that claimed to be about the use of the N-word were really more about Jim's humanity, but there could be other books that would do that. 

Lately, with so many ridiculous book challenges, I find myself irresistibly drawn to them. Every time I see an article about terrible corrupting influences, I have to read them.

They are often quite good. They do not fill with respect for those challenging them. And yes, libraries are the ones coming through for me, so I know that makes libraries a target. I will defend libraries to the death.

Adding these books may sidetrack my already ambitious reading goals, but it has been a good thing.

Anyway, here are some relatively recent reads:

Big Wig by Jonathan Hillman

https://www.seattlemet.com/arts-and-culture/2022/06/pizza-hut-big-wig-drag-queen-childrens-book-levi-hastings 

A picture book about shyness, and how costumes can help you have confidence, but they are not the only things that help you have confidence. Yes, there is drag, though the wig does other things. Honestly, watching someone else exploring drag recently and finding it really affirming make this book seem more accurate. 

GenderQueer: A Story From A Different Closet by Allan D. Hunter*

This one was actually the worst, but it was also the wrong one. I mean, yes, the memoir's author is not completely gender-conforming, and sexual acts are described, additional reading indicates the actual book was Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer: A Memoir. Obviously I need to read that soon.

https://www.oif.ala.org/oif/gender-queer-most-challenged-of-2021/

Hunter's book is not terrible, but he thinks he is more interesting than he is. The best illustration is that once he started figuring out his issue -- white guy who does not always fit masculine norms, but likes his body and attracted to women, and yes, he did face abuse for that -- he started pressing his manifestos on everyone, including somewhat prominent strangers. That was aggressive enough to get him institutionalize, but even then he could have avoided it by reading the papers he was signing or asking key questions. There are more insightful people out there, but he feels his book is needed, and maybe he's right. There should be lots of books. 

It's Perfectly Normal: Growing Bodies, Changing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris

https://www.npr.org/2014/09/21/350366435/it-may-be-perfectly-normal-but-its-also-frequently-banned

Your local school district protesters HATE this one, but it's really good. 

If any of you have read Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?, this is like that, but for adolescents so with information on puberty. As a more modern book, it also does better at incorporating different body types, skin tones, and sexual orientations, though the edition I read could use some updating for transgender inclusion.

The reassuring (and true) title is pretty well honored by the book. If you believe that more information and affirmation is a good thing, this is a good book. If you hate that stuff...

Front Desk by Kelly Yang

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-parents-tried-ban-childrens-book-143223253.html

I loved this one! There are now four books in the series, so more reading to look forward to, and I think it would make a great television series.

Complaints about the book that I saw focused on the portrayal of police being racist to a Black character at a hotel. That happened here not too long ago; it seems like fair game for a book.

Beyond that, the book is incredibly empowering as Mia finds solutions to help those around her, many of which come from author Kelly Yang's life. You can make a difference, even if you are young, or an immigrant, or poor, or scared. That's a great message.

Drama by Raina Telgemeier

https://smashpages.net/2022/01/31/florida-school-district-removes-telgemeiers-drama-15-other-books-from-shelves/ 

(Maus was included in this "quarantine", but I read that back in 2012,)

The worst thing about this book is that the play the characters are working on is set during the Civil War, a time that needs no romanticizing. 

Beyond that, the title is a clever wordplay for the characters actually acting, directing, and working on stage effects, but also having misunderstandings, crushes and emotions... drama!

The book also treats at least two homosexual characters (one definitely out, one questioning) as human, valid people, and Florida doesn't want that to happen.

Bone: Vol. 1 (Out of Boneville) by Jeff Smith

http://cbldf.org/banned-challenged-comics/case-study-bone/

I believe the issue here is that the most capitalist character is a jerk. Apparently there is some smoking and drinking in the 4th volume, and violence and horror in the whole series but especially in the 2nd volume.

Okay, there are rat creatures, and they are implied to be dangerous, but I haven't seen them get a single win, at least in the first volume. In the complaints of racism, the Bone cousins are super white, but there don't seem to be any negative depictions based on that. No, I think the issue is that greedy, wealth-obsessed Phoney Bone is a jerk, and it gets him ostracized from their society, dragging his cousins Fone and Smiley along with him. And even though the people who know Phoney do kick him out of town, his cousins still care about him.

How much deference do the capitalists need? Don't answer; that was rhetorical. 

I'm not saying that banned books are automatically the best books, but there have been some good ones. If that makes sense because the people most likely to uphold racism, homophobia, and misogyny are pro-ignorance, well, the logic is easy to understand.

And if you like seeing what I think about books, let's connect on Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/gmharris

Black Music Month + Pride Month

I am reporting back on how the daily songs for June -- during which time I was celebrating Black queer musicians -- went.

I was worried about having enough artists to choose from. My initial brainstorm came up with fourteen, though it turns out that while Lil' Kim is an ally she is not herself queer. There is a reason I looked up every single person, just to make sure, even though I would normally find doing internet searches to find out whether people are gay pretty suspect.

I wanted to be able to feature Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender artists. I am not aware of any Black Intersex or Asexual artists, but at least one was non-binary, and I feel good about the overall representation.

With the help of a few articles, I ended up with 43 to choose from; I have not used every option (songs used appear at the end of the post), though I have listened to them all.

It is shallower than I would have liked, because -- like with the various Asian artists for May -- I only listened to their top ten songs, and only once. As frustrating as it is that I don't have more time for my pursuits, that I am still able to find and learn and manage something is affirming.

The other thing I did was link an article with each song. Some of the artists have historical significance, and I started with that, but then thought that if we are spotlighting and supporting, then I can probably find a link for everyone, and should. There were some really good articles.

My favorites at this point, at least for those who were new to me, are probably Lex Allen, Cakes da Killa, Victoria Monét, Todrick Hall, Joy Oladokun, and VINCINT.

The biggest concern (other than checking everyone's queerness) was that some of the songs used the N-word. Yes, that can be their choice, it can still feel weird for me, but this was so much a case where some people might be offended by the highlighting and support that I just went with it. There was no censorship. Some of those songs are about sex! 

But I am probably not going to use the song "Gay Sex" from Be Steadwell, because I like "Greens" better for her musically, though "Gay Sex" is more politically savvy.

On that note, I feel a little bad in that Lil Nas X has videos that are more overtly gay than the one I used, "Dead Right Now"; I really liked the song, though, and it also kind of fit my mood for the day. Realistically, once they are in my head, they can come back in at any time. 

(I will probably never use "Old Town Road" though, based on my general aversion to country. It's not personal.)

Other people that I could have used but did not came down to confusing information where I could not find a good article, only articles that were about a recent suicidal spell, and one person crossing a picket line. Those were things I worried about, but I had so many choices that it's okay. I can always use them at another time.

Something else I found interesting was that when you look at Queen Latifah's top ten songs, they are half numbers from musicals she has appeared in. That included "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray. I am fond of that song, but it is an ensemble peace, and its promise of forward progress rings a little hollow now. I used "Dance For Me" for June, but then "You Can't Stop the Beat" on July 1st, followed by Hozier's "Take Me to Church" on the 2nd. Hozier is not a queer Black artist, but his song is nevertheless accompanied by a powerful video and has become something of an anthem, apparently.

Through July 11th, I am using some Asian artists that I did not get to in May, plus some queer Black artists that I did not get to in June, and maybe some things related to reading and viewing. I have some Black music (though not specifically queer) reading and viewing slated for June also, but that will be happening mostly in July and August. Regardless, I would like to get in songs for Charlie Parker and Paris Is Burning.

Starting July 12th I am going back to picking ten songs from different years of the '80s, starting at 1985. That will be a bit of a break, because I am quite familiar with that content.

I like stretching and exploring, but the familiar has its charms.

Black Music Month and Pride Month

6/1 “Rock Me” by Sister Rosetta Tharpe
6/2 “Dead Right Now” by Lil Nas X
6/3 “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” by Sylvester
6/4 “Dance For Me” by Queen Latifah
6/5 “Baby Can I Hold You” by Tracy Chapman
6/6 “Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean
6/7 “When I Get It Right” by Joan Armatrading
6/8 “Children” by Billy Porter
6/9 “Work It” by Missy Elliott
6/10 “Luvaroq” by serpentwithfeet
6/11 “Don Dada” by Cakes Da Killa x Proper Villains
6/12 “Sunday” by Joy Oladokun
6/13 “American Pie” by Shea Diamond
6/14 “Bye-Bye Blues” by Blackberri
6/15 “Great Gosh A'Mighty” by Little Richard
6/16 “Coastin'” by Victoria Monét
6/17 “Breath” by Todrick Hall
6/18 “spaces - Remix” by Dawn featuring Maliibu Mitch and Quay Dash
6/19 “Faithful” by Meshell Ndeogeocello
6/20 “Someday” by VINCINT
6/21 “You Go To My Head” by Billie Holiday
6/22 “Where You Are” by Rahsaan Patterson
6/23 “Where My Girls” by Dai Burger
6/24 “Stay High” by Brittany Howard
6/25 “American Dream Plan B” by Shirlette Ammons
6/26 “Key Changer” by Doug Pinnick
6/27 “Your Love” by Frankie Knuckles
6/28 “Black Queer Anthem” by Lazarus Lynch
6/29 “Explode” by Big Freedia
6/30 “Hope” by Arlo Parks