Despite yesterday's post being a good length, and having required a whole separate post the day before to keep it on track, and having been reliant on a post from the previous week, it was not the whole story.
There were two other elements that were important, and that I want to get to now.
Man-I-don't-know writes dismissive thing and it leads to amazing insight about myself did happen, and that there was a foundation it was built on was made pretty clear, but also, there was a process there that involved two key things.
I saw his response and I had feelings about that. (That will be more tomorrow's post.)
Then I wrote about it three times. It wasn't until the third time that I realized I am no longer afraid of being annoying, but I had been approaching it the whole time.
(That is not counting my response to him, which may have been part of the process but also could have just been fun.)
I wrote in my journal first. That was the shortest one. I wrote a brief description of what happened and then this:
How male. Wrong, thinks he's smart, and sees no need to listen or learn.
It ties together, because the people who don't have much other than their patriarchal rank over you sure don't want you to like yourself, or be happy as you are, or know that you are enough.
That did not feel like enough. I thought it was that I needed to share it. That led to both Twitter and Facebook.
The interesting thing is that I was initially reluctant to post on Facebook. The first poster (whose friend made the dismissive remark) and I have mutual friends (though that guy isn't one of them). I didn't want it to become a whole thing.
It is possible that considering not doing something in deference to men who do not show any similar consideration was related to the breakthrough.
It is definite that as we go over and interpret and try to explain something, it gives us a chance to realize more.
The funny thing is that the next day I was talking to a friend (about learning, appropriately) and as he was explaining something to me he said "Though I hadn't realized that I thought of it that way until now..."
Yes, of course. That is how it works.
It was easier for me to have a breakthrough on my fear of being annoying because I had been engaging with it actively. Then, getting to annoy someone showed me that it wasn't that bad.
There can be things that we feel, and almost know, but that require articulation before we get there. In fact, they may require articulation in a specific way that we grope toward over multiple interactions. Perhaps that is why expressive writing is generally done as a series of three sessions.
There is one more thing about that.
In February I wrote about three early experiences that worked together to convince me that no one wanted to hear about my problems.
It seems logical that some of my motivation for writing comes from there; so much to say, but who wants to hear it?
As nice as it would be to explore having someone who listens (and I admit I would be a lot), I do like having the blog. I like putting it out there as a record that I have thought this and learned that, and that if the timing is not right for you now, the post will still be there later.
The thing with the guy happened Thursday. Saturday someone tweeted a veiled reference to dissociative identity disorder. It wasn't exactly an ask, but this was a mutual, so I could send a private message and say -- stressing that I don't know if this is needed -- this is here and if you want to talk we can. "This" being a link to my post on dissociation, which is a relatively soothing one, so not a bad starting point.
I could receive a message of gratitude then, because it had been on their mind.
I was attuned to that (and I had something to offer) because I had written about it.
That's what writing can do.