Today's
post is going up a bit late. It's my day off, so I have had some errands to
run, but also, I've been working on screenplays.
Last year I
was in this pattern of uploading a screenplay to Amazon Studios, letting it go
through its submission period, and then uploading another. After the third, it
didn't seem productive.
I had been
thinking that I should just upload them all (there were three already up and I
have seven), but then I thought I should go over them, and try and improve
them, and there was just this sense of inertia, and hopelessness. This morning
I uploaded Between the Lines, which I had read over and updated a bit
last night, and today I was reviewing Hungry, which I just uploaded
before starting this post.
I can see
things about them now where I should have more descriptions, but I don't have
it in me to do major overhauls. I can't exactly forget them either. So, I'm
giving them quick updates, and then uploading. That still takes some time, so I
might get Out of Step out there tonight, or maybe tomorrow. Jade Mask
will take a bit longer. That was my first one, which I wrote in Word, so I am
in this process of retyping it in Final Draft, which will then let me save it
as a PDF, which I can use to upload. It's a process.
When I
thought of just uploading everything before, I would get stopped up because you
have to write a short description and a long description, and I would always
feel like whatever I could say was stupid. What I have to face is that when I
am communicating, I pretty much always feel stupid.
I'm not
stupid, but trying to share things with other people makes me feel that way.
When I first got on Blogger, it became about being more open, and letting my
flaws and weaknesses and insecurities out. Twitter leads to a lot of that too.
I know a lot of people view social media as a means of image management, but
that could just never work for me.
I do think
about it. I still remember losing one follower for some of the re-tweets, and it
would be possible to have a one profile for the writing and one profile for
teens in pain, but it's not practical. What if I was on one profile when
someone needed me on the other? Which one do I put my feminism on? Or my
comics? Once I start thinking about how it looks, nothing will ever be good
enough.
I am more
integrated now than I have ever been. For me, that has been less about uniting
disparate parts of my personality than just smashing all the compartments and
letting everything bleed into each other. Sometimes really good things happen
with it, and sometimes nothing happens, but it hasn't been terrible.
I realized
recently that this phase is about doing things I do badly. I am okay with being
flawed - I have been for a while - but now it's about drawing and music and
things that I am not really good at, but doing them anyway and sharing them.
That's why the comics are up, and all of the screenplays are going up, and I am
going to link to Amazon and Ficwad through the blog, which is linked to
Twitter.
I can't link
to the Dropbox folder, though I could share it with another person. I guess
when a new comic goes up I will tweet it and link it on Facebook. I haven't
worked out all the details yet, but I will share.
My art is
out there. I want it to lead to opportunities. Selling a screenplay feels like
the best thing that could possibly happen. If someone wants me to write a
comic, I'd love it. If not, at least one comic has helped people. That's worth
something.
No one
reads the fan fiction, I know. Most of the people who are into that are looking
for sex scenes, and that's not something I'm going to do. (Though if I did,
they would be scorching; you have no idea what I'm capable of.) However, that
last chapter, that I wrote long afterwards, I have shared with people, and it
has helped them. That matters.
Gerard Way tweeted on my birthday something
that resonated with me:
"So
many comics and songs I want to make, I don't know if I'll ever get them all
done before I'm super old and super crazy."
Yes, it
feels like that, especially because everything I do gives me other ideas, but I
love it. I love seeing things come alive. While I do not know if there will
ever be a market for what I do, there are outlets, and I am going to keep at
it.
The next
phase will probably be a Youtube channel at some point, when I am ready to
record songs and film things - I have so many ideas there too. For now, I have
two more screenplays to get ready, and a musical to write, and lots of blogs,
and a few comics - I have so many ideas - and it's good. It's invigorating.
It's satisfying. Even when I see all the flaws in my comics, which are bad,
there is always some panel, or something that went right, and it's not a loss.
So that
will keep me busy for a while, and it's a good life. If I never make a dime
from it, but I can get by, it's still a better life than if it was all kept in.
If I do succeed, it will be as a whole person.
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