This is my
birthday week, and over the next few posts there will be some reviews and
previews about what has happened and will happen.
I have
written at times about being on this path, where I feel like there are things
that I need to do, and then why it was important becomes clear later. Last year
I invited chaos for my birthday party, and it was a good evening. It was not
super chaotic, but I did pretty much give up worrying about or attempting to
control various things.
That was helpful
when it became important to trust that other people can jump in when I am not
there, and that there are things that I cannot fix, and everything that goes
along with caring about a lot of people who are out of reach and whose lives
are very tumultuous. It's not that it makes everything easy and never
worrisome, but there is a different understanding, and more peace.
This year
is shaping up to be completely different. I am still not sure what I am doing
on my birthday. I think I will go to another friend's party, but details are
still sketchy and so I can't fully commit. I will be doing this church thing
the next day, and I am inviting other people to that, and it is something I
want, but it is different. And, any special foods I want to eat are on hold
until the next week, after my doctor's appointment, I think.
(I do kind
of have a birthday lunch in mind of ramen and hot wings. I have given up a lot
of food brands to protect orangutan habitat, and ramen is the only thing that
has really been a sacrifice.)
Last year,
I knew what I wanted, and that was karaoke, but I just did that a couple of
weeks ago, and if it happens again soon that will be awesome, but there isn't
the same pressing need. I can think of different things I would like to do, and
different people I would like to spend time with, but there is no hurry for any
of them to happen right now - they can spread out throughout the year.
This shift
happened in November. A lot of people post things they are grateful for each
day of the month, or at least leading up to Thanksgiving. I have had some great
experiences with that, but it didn't feel right this year. Some of that may be
due to seeing updates from other people that were kind of snarky, where even
though they were saying they were grateful, it kind of sounded like they were
complaining. It is entirely possible that it still helps them, because they
find a positive in it, maybe, but I found it off-putting. To be fair, November
could easily devolve into a bunch of humble brags too, and I didn't see that
happening.
Anyway, it
did not feel like what I needed, but I started thinking of what I might need.
Last year in December I made a point of contacting someone different each day,
and I decided I wanted to give everyone a Christmas present, for Twitter and
Facebook.
I was not
sure how to make that happen, but I started with a spreadsheet, because that's
pretty normal for me. I knew I would need to pace myself, but I created three
tabs, one for Twitter, one for Facebook, and one for the people we pray for,
and started filling them in. I'm kind of thinking I should add one for the
neighborhood, or for single adults, though I have not yet done so. There is a
lot of expanding. For one thing, I never realized how quickly I added people on
Twitter.
Obviously,
Christmas is past, and I have not done anything for many people yet. I knew it
was not going to be tangible gifts for most people, but it was more taking a
look and figuring out what would be good. Is there something I haven't thanked
them for? Do they need to talk? I think that's why specific dates have become
less important. I am not going to see everyone I want to see on my birthday or
for Christmas, but over the course of a year, I could. So then it's just
figuring out what for everyone.
Sometimes I
know right away. With bands lately, it has been giving them a song of the day,
though if I am following the individual members as well as the band then I
think it only counts for the band, and not the members. As I was still filling
out the spreadsheet I would have some really good contacts with people and
think, I haven't officially started yet; does that count? I supported his
Kickstarter before I decided to do this; does that count?
I realized
that this is about looking. Right now when I jump in for someone, it is because
they happen to cross my screen. I am looking at the right moment, and I catch
something. That has value, but I could easily miss things that way.
This is an
effort to focus, and catch more. Maybe I see your tweets, but I would learn
more from your Tumblr. It's still not an attempt to catch everything or take
responsibility for everyone. I accept the impossibility of that. As I type
this, there are 2279 spreadsheet lines, with very few duplicates, and while I
would like to have taken a look at them all by next Christmas, it will take a
while.
They may
not all need anything either. I may get to some and see that we're good. I know
them well enough, and we are in tune enough, and it's fine. But I want to know
that I have looked.
So that's
what I am working on in this next phase, and since it feels important to do, it
seems reasonable that something will come out of it, even if I don't know what.
But my promise for you is that I will try and see you for whom you are. If I
appreciate you, I will try and remember to tell you. If I can help you, I will.
If I can't help you, but I can care, I will try to at least let you know that. And
if I ask what I can do for you, I mean it.
It's not
really a change; just a refinement.
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