Back to me

While I do still have things to say about the state of the world, I have been needing to get back to personal writing, and maybe today is the right time. I have some stories with some hardship, but also there were people who were good to me, and maybe that makes these stories good for this time. After all, for as much as ordinary people can be horrible, they can be good too, and they often are.

About a month ago I had a doctor's appointment. I had rescheduled twice due to financial concerns, and I knew I just needed to get it over with. The rescheduled time happened to be while my younger sisters were out of town, so leaving Mom alone was a worry. My older sister was going to pick her up and have her hang out for a while there.

She was a little late (and didn't even offer me a ride to the bus stop or a MAX station or anything), but I made the bus that I needed to and was not going to be late.

I felt good about that. I also felt good because I had been getting more patient with Mom. I had been able to field her questions more gently. I wasn't actually getting her to believe we were at home, but there hadn't been any really bad moments for a few days. Yes, there were concerns about paying for this appointment and concerns about being out of insulin, but it still kind of felt like I was handling my life better.

Then I got to the doctors office and found out I was a day late.

Against all odds, there was an open slot an hour later, and they could get me in. I got that set up, then went to the bathroom and spent a few moments crying and hating myself. I wasn't getting better! I was just a stupid bonehead who couldn't get anything right! I didn't even know what day it was!

Maybe it was the strain of that day, or having Julie and Maria gone, or something about the time at Misty's apartment, but that night Mom was really persistent about asking to go home, and then she asked about her church calling - from which she had been released, at my request, because I had been doing it - and then there were bruised feelings again, and neither of us handled it well. And then she forgot it, which is the one good thing about this disease.

That was a hard day, but things happened that needed to happen. I got some more insulin samples to keep me going a bit longer, and my doctor recommended an alternative that is more affordable. It involves going to Wal-Mart, because they are the only ones who carry it, so there goes my last vestige of pride in social consciousness there, but I always understood that there were people needed to go there. Now I am one of them.

The good part is that people were helpful. The office manager was so kind. She saw how on the edge I was, and talked me down. I mean, I still needed to cry, but some kindness can really help. My medication will be about $100 a month instead of $900. I'll take that.

And I was not better with Mom that night, but I was the next day. I am spotting new things that give me ideas for how to help. There are things I can't fix, so there are always adjustments to be made. That will keep happening. I will keep getting new blank slates with her, and if that's less than ideal, there are ways in which it helps.

So I'm pretty reluctant to congratulate myself on getting better now, but I am at least not getting worse.