This is two really late blog posts in a row. Some of that pertains to other commitments interfering, but I can't deny that stress is a part. Also, I spent a lot of time writing the second part of me watching science fiction, but that's not what I need to say right now.
I don't know how much longer I'll have internet.
That's one of the bills that is late. I can't dial out on my cell phone anymore (sales calls still seem to come in just fine), and the mortgage is certainly the worst concern, and the calls on credit cards suck, but this has been a new level of stress.
I do worry about entertaining my mother with no cable. I try not to have her watch too much television anyway, but some is still entertaining and can give me a break. For a lack of communication by phone, well, my sisters still have cell phone and work phones, and the creditors send snail mail too, so I can work with that.
Internet, though, it would really hurt to lose that.
Even if there are things I need to submit via mail, the research to find that is generally via internet. Most submissions are via internet. Job searches and applications happen through the internet. Then they usually want to talk on the phone, which is a problem, but even getting to that point essentially requires internet.
Those are very practical concerns, but there are other pangs that are more personal.
Every day I wish people a happy birthday as appropriate, I do a song of the day, and I do a blog post. The birthdays are really just as dictated by Facebook, but I care about it. For the songs, I am starting to get close to the end of the songs from Nothing Feels Good. I want to finish that, and there are so many reviewed artists piling up while I have been doing that. There are songs for a long time.
For the blog, well, I was going to hit 500 bands reviewed earlier than I meant to, and a little break would change that, but that isn't the only option; there are some previously reviewed bands with new material.
For me, there is a sense of accomplishment there. No matter what else I do wrong or badly or can't solve, I consistently produce content that combines mind and heart. That means something to me. The songs and blog posts are often connected to something I am learning or studying, and that matters to me.
Speaking of learning, I had a mild panic about using the library site to request books, so requested five. I was going to spread them out more, some of them being quite lengthy. That would make more sense, but panic.
Speaking of libraries, I know that many people access the internet there. That would require two bus fares and bringing my mother with me. It's not practical for daily use.
I know the sense of connection that comes through internet contact can be somewhat illusory, but it has been meaningful for me. It would be isolating. I would be very sad.
And for all of that, I still can't deny that other people have it much worse. I guess that might be one comfort; if we lose internet and television I won't be seeing any news. That would remove one source of stress. It would just take away a lot of the good things too.
So, that's my venting for now. Things remain difficult. I don't believe we will end up homeless or starve, but there is a lot of room between here and there for much to go wrong, and much suffering. Here you have my cri de coeur, and also my explanation if I suddenly stop posting.
I have said before that if I quit with these posts, then I've given up - that my continuing to do these little things no matter what calamity is happening that day is my way of not having my life dictated by calamity. Someone might remember that in the event of a lack of posts, and think I have finally surrendered to the darkness, and am fighting no more.
That's not completely impossible either, but it's not the only possibility. Just so you know.