Pentecost

Well, it is fifty days past Easter. I had planned to bear testimony (in some way) daily from Easter through today. I did not make it for every single day, but I made it for most of them, and it was a pretty good experience. I wanted to write up a bit about that.

First of all, and I certainly did not have this in mind, I was entering a really rough period of my life. I didn’t know it, and I will write more about that later, but at first my little plan seemed ironic, because I was supposed to be making expressions of belief but I was struggling so much to feel any belief.

It seemed ironic, but it was actually very helpful. Having to be able to find something to say, and when to say it, and to whom, kept me from wallowing in self-pity. I had to remember over and over that things have worked out before, and that ultimately I believe they will continue to do so. I’m still not the kind of person who is grateful for trials while they happen, but I can concede that they often end up being helpful, and that things do work out. The timing was good from that perspective.

It also led to some good experiences that would not necessarily be expected. One night I remembered at eleven o’ clock that I had not done it yet, and so I went to where Mom was getting ready for bed, and I told her that I knew the church was true. Instead of looking at me and wondering if I was on drugs, she reaffirmed that and shared her own testimony, and it was a very touching, bonding moment in the bathroom, that would not have happened otherwise. That was good.

It can also be good to tell people what you are doing. My friend Jill will bring up religion fairly often, and she will sometimes disparage Mormons a little, not too bad, but I tend to shrug it off, answering questions and sharing things as appropriate, but not really paying attention to that, because she is kind of smart-mouthed in general and I tend not to take the bait. Well, because of my goal, I was taking all of those smart remarks and refuting them and testifying and just not letting her comfortably ignore the truth of it. In other conversations that followed, she kept telling me I was a control freak, and I think that’s way. If I had told her, by the way, I have this goal, maybe she wouldn’t have said that—but then maybe she also would not have taken what I was saying so seriously.

(Incidentally, I didn’t think I was, and that seemed ironic because I had just been talking to Julie about her being a control freak, but not the way Becky is, and Jill admitted she was a control freak too, so maybe everyone just has different things that they freakishly need to control. It really only bothers me if they try to control other people.)

There was another incident that was especially important to me. On Mother’s Day, I suddenly remembered that this would be the first Mother’s Day for a friend since his mother had died, and all of those milestones in the first year hurt. I mean, they hurt on subsequent years too, but I believe it starts to sting less. Anyway, I wrote to him, and among other things I told him that I knew that he would see his mother again.

It was his response that made the difference. He didn’t really say that much, but there was emotion conveyed where it was like he had not been thinking in those terms. That’s the one thing with bearing your testimony at church or with other members—yes, we do feel something and we are strengthening each other, but it’s usually just reinforcing what we already know. That the soul continues and that we will see each other again is just such a given for us, but it’s not that way for everyone. That realization humbled me. It’s an amazing thing to know, and I felt more grateful for it at that moment than I have before. And believe me, I have been grateful before, but remembering that not everyone has that, and being able to comfort someone, I felt it more.

I know it was not as effective as it could have been, at least in terms of reaching other people. I kept getting stuck inside my own head with worry and fear, and I just was not organized at all. I’m not planning on continuing the daily part, but it did remind me how powerful sharing faith can be, and that there are actually a lot of opportunities. Two of the nights that I missed, I had conversations that just skirted the area, and if I had been thinking I could have easily gone there.

More to the point though, as I was looking for people to share with, it reminded me to think about other people, and what they might need and what might help them, and that’s something I try to do anyway, but there is always room for improvement. If you don’t want my religious beliefs, but there is something else I can do for you, I really will try. That kind of things is great, and I love it.

Just let me reiterate, though, that it is an amazing thing to know, and it is a beautiful thing to share it.