Here we go again

I'm a bit disappointed in myself.

I wrote less than a month ago about realizing the need for self-care and balance, and trying to work on that, and I am still stuck there. Let me back up a little.

Longtime readers may remember that latent in my body is an old infection that will spring back to life if my immune system takes enough hits. Back when I was still learning how to deal with it, any illness at all would bring it back up, but I have successfully navigated several illnesses without it.

The past three months have just been a lot. I was getting through them pretty well anyway, but I started feeling the warning signs last week and really started worrying. It wasn't just a fervent desire to not get sick - though that was real - but also that I had things I really wanted to do coming up. I had a concert Wednesday night (both reviews last week mention my trying to take it easy at the concert) and then Thursday I was supposed to visit Fort Vancouver with a friend.

I worried about both of them. As I try to find this balance, I see three things that I need that it is easy to skimp on.

Good nutrition and water intake is important, but because I cook for my family and try to keep them healthy too, and because my water consumption has become pretty much a matter of habit, those things more or less work out for the most part. I have no guarantees on sleep, alone time, or social time. If I get low on any of them - and especially on all of them - I start feeling frayed and weepy and the worse the need gets the harder it gets to even be able to identify a plan for mitigating the need.

(Logically I probably should always start with sleep, because it requires the least planning, but it can be hard to sleep when you are feeling all drawn out.)

It had started getting better with some friends coming through anyway, so I'd had some social time. but at that point it felt kind of too late. I had these two things that I very much wanted to do, and that would give me new interaction and blogging material, and I was scared to go.

I ended up splitting the difference. I went to the concert but stayed seated and was not at all wild. It was still a late night, but worth it. The words and music are still running through my head. I canceled my Thursday plans, and focused that day on trying to get better.

That remedy is rest, with lots of leg elevation, and lots of water (more than usual), along with not much in the way of carbs. It's not as relaxing as it sounds, but it was less so this time because Mom needed so much attention.

With the Norovirus, she was asleep during my worst symptoms (3 to 6 AM), and she had just gotten out of the hospital and wasn't particularly energetic herself. She is feeling a lot better now, so has more energy, but doesn't know how to direct it without some guidance.

That is what I am here for, and while it does have its frustrations it generally works out. We do not have a sick days process in place.

My thought at the time was that clearly I cannot be sick and take care of her, so I need to do whatever it takes to not get sick. It shows a charming naivete about how much is in my control.

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that when you are a caretaker you need to take care of yourself. I haven't argued with any of them, because I know they're right, but no one tells you how to do it. They probably don't know. I surely don't.

So yes, I am still working on trying to take good care of myself, which I have learned how to do for pretty much everyone but me. Oddly, my response ended up being more work, which sounds like I haven't learned anything at all, but I think I know what I'm doing. Somewhat. I'll write more about that tomorrow.

Also, the house is in foreclosure. I think it will be okay, but I don't know how that one is going to work out either.