2020 Hindsight: 1 and 10 years

For the past few days I have been doing a lot of review and reminiscing. It has come mainly from Twitter. A lot of the results have also had a lot to do with Twitter, so I guess it all works out.

There were questions going around about your top three accomplishments for the decade, or what have you changed your mind about over the last year. Also one person asked about if your wildest dreams came true this year, what would that look like? She got some good answers. There was at least one person expressing her frustration with social media.

I didn't answer anyone, but I thought a lot. Many things were and still are sad, but then looking back, there were surprising things too. Some things were good.

My biggest accomplishment of the past decade may have been appearing on Jeopardy! I've wanted to do it since high school, and I tried out a lot before I made it. Then I came in last, but still, it was a good experience.

I blogged a lot about that, and the writing matters, but I will get back to that later. For now, one important thing about the blog is that looking back at different posts helped me remember. Having lost so many journal and photo files, I am grateful that I have this body of memories out on the internet.

There are three somewhat related accomplishments that it makes sense to string together. I would not have thought of them without the blog.

I have been a great daughter. Getting my mother through her knee surgery, then her Mohs procedure, and caring for her now as she goes deeper into dementia, I have been so educated and organized and patient and compassionate. I have fought when I needed to, and been a detective when required.

I have been a supportive friend, especially for one who spent some time in prison. I remember now finding an older letter and he had called me his ride or die friend; I had never seen the term before and it went right over my head then. I can almost forget that because he has been out for a while and is doing great, but a lot happens in ten years. There was a time when it really mattered, and I was there.

Finally, I reached out to depressed and suicidal people over Twitter, and helped in whatever ways I could.

That's the one I feel least comfortable with, because looking back I feel like I was so unqualified, but in the moment I would see the distress signal and I could not turn away. Some have come back and told me that I saved their lives. I have always pushed back on that, because they ultimately had to choose to live, but I will take the credit for caring and acting on it. I will take the credit for keeping my eyes open and believing that it matters, and that they matter.

The obvious link in those stories is that they are about caring for others. We have discussed how that is my thing, and that I still need to learn how to balance caring for myself. I am not oblivious to that aspect.

You might also infer that those are things I wouldn't really ask for; my service has all started out reactive even if I later ended up being more proactive. Maybe good experiences came out of those situations, but they started out as bad things.

That gets us to the other connection. These stories are not the only part of it, but they all go along with some politicization, and radicalization.

It is not that I didn't care before; I have always been at least somewhat politically aware, and pretty liberal.

However, by caring for young and elderly and incarcerated and sick and disabled and female, I have learned a lot about systemic issues. I know the problems with bureaucracy much better now. I have a clear view of problems with capitalism, and how often job creators are weasels. I know a lot more about the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences, and a lot about misogyny. I know more about the problems of the world.

I know more about potential solutions too. Someday I hope that matters. For now, though, I guess my primary accomplishment over the past ten years is that I have cared and that I have learned.

I intend to get more specific about that tomorrow.