Flawed perfectionist

I have one more new book and two re-reads and some exercises pending, so I didn't think I was going to write about mental and emotional health yet. The last book stirred something up, though, and now I can't stop thinking about it.

Remember when it used to be a job interview question to ask "What is your greatest weakness as an employee?" It fell out of favor because people always answered that they were perfectionists or workaholics, but I had realized what my accurate answer was: I don't take criticism well.

It also probably didn't matter, because of how that is true for me. I incorporate the correction into my work, and I don't complain or give attitude about it. I do feel mortified inside and hate myself for being so stupid for a while. Since it doesn't get in the way of job performance or inconvenience anyone but me - and since correction is necessary sometimes, that is probably for the best - I am just not sure it is something a boss needs to care about.

While I was reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving I made the connection that this is related to some issues I have stemming from my father and his inability to ever admit he was wrong or accept blame.

In terms of blaming myself, it feels a little stupid to have to deal with this now. I recognized a related issue decades ago (key incidents in 1992 and 1994), where I didn't like showing weakness or admitting error or even acting impressed with anything. I realized then that this fear of people seeing you as less than perfect is unnecessary, and holds you back. It is more likely to irritate other people than impress them.

I thought I had learned and incorporated that. I guess I did with peers, but in a work situation it was still thriving. And, I guess in a way it was a perfectionism issue.

It may be easier to see now because I have been out of the regular work force for a while, and looking back on my experiences while there, well, it is clear that a lot of people I have worked for not only would not care about my feelings but also did not care that much about honesty or integrity or various other traits that would have been nice.

I have really learned that my best efforts cannot make me "good" enough to make things go right, at least not solely by virtue of me being good. I suspect that could eventually be a relief, but right now it is just disappointing.

In the meantime, there are a few issues that really get me with this, because I need to go somewhere with them or change something, and I am not sure yet. That is why I can't stop thinking about it.

The more minor one is that I have always hated writing groups, where you solicit feedback on your work. In retrospect, that is perfectly logical. I have also never been impressed with them, but is that the groups I have seen, or my own issues getting in the way? Both could be true.

That seems more minor because I am not writing much now, and I don't know how things are going to go, and maybe it doesn't matter. I have always been pretty good at the self-criticism, but other viewpoints could have value.

For the record, I can see many flaws in my published books, but those were more from writing them so quickly, in the hopes that I could make some money that way, when in reality I was never going to make much money doing anything. (That is a different issue.)

However, since I am really bad at making money, and I saw a post yesterday about self-isolating people needing things to read, I have put all of my Kindle novels on a 5-day promotion where they are free.

https://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218

Help yourself! If you like them, great. If not, it did not cost you anything.

The other issue is more frustrating, but I will save that for tomorrow. It's not about money, though. It may not sound like it, but I have kind of made peace with that.