Anodyne

One way my brain works is that a word or phrase will come to me repeatedly, trying to tell me something. Someday I will write about "garbage barge", but let's focus on "anodyne" for now.

As a noun it is a painkiller, but as an adjective it is more about being designed to not provoke or offend. I think of it when I play Spider Solitaire and Minesweeper, and I have been playing them a lot lately.

When I think about addictions, mine tend to be too stupid to count; I don't even play interesting video games. It can nonetheless be compulsive, and it has been very clear to me that this is an attempt to numb.

Things are hard. It is still true that it is more about the dementia situation than the virus situation, but the chronic stress is ongoing.

I have hives again. I get weird muscle tightness in my back and shoulders. There is a lot of anger and frustration, and I cannot turn it on my mother, so I hold it in and then get physical reminders that I did that.

I have plenty of things to do when I am not actively caring for my mother. I have things I need to do for personal goals and housework and organization, but I keep finding myself playing these stupid games, feeling the urge to, resolving not to and then giving in after another thing has gone wrong.

My brain is telling me that I am doing it to try not to feel. It's not working out that great.

For one thing, the more I get pulled into it, the less I sleep. While there is a limit to how much the tiredness can be remedied, the tiredness is vast enough that it should take anything it can get. It also takes away from reading time, which is like the one thing I still get to do.

Probably more to the point is that it's not working out that great. I mean, I am still feeling stuff, and any feelings I hold off are probably just holding off progress in working through it. In the past, letting myself feel anger has allowed me to like myself. I am sure there is a lot I still need to work on.

I also know that I am not just rejecting the potential pain, but also the current situation. This has been very ineffective in making the situation go away. It's all still there. Maybe I could hold onto denial long enough for something to change, but I would lose something by doing that.

The other thing I strongly believe, though, is that my not wanting this does matter. Not in a way to change it, but that it hurts and that my body physically hurts with somatic symptoms of emotional pain... I matter and that matters.

I still need to work on getting better.

If I find something helpful I will let you know.

You matter too.