Letting go

No, I am not completely letting go of stress. I doubt I am capable.

I am trying to let go of some things. 

The strongest urge that I felt as various things didn't work out was a need to go and get out and play and see people. Perfect for a pandemic, right?

It was situational though. 

We are getting closer to a brief vacation my sisters scheduled, and last week there were free outdoor concerts featuring people I knew on Wednesday and Thursday.

This represents more than free stuff I can do. It also plays into recent feelings about having this hope of being able to do more as people got vaccinated, then watching that hope evaporate as too many people make terrible choices and variants spread.

I try very hard to be responsible (as noted). It's not just that I don't want to cause harm, but also that I want to be a good example. 

Caught between hope and worry, disappointment and stress, I decided to just go for it. I went to both concerts, headed back to Washington Park on Friday, and tomorrow I will get on a plane and head to an amusement park, though masking all the time.

There is a definite aspect of getting it in now before things get inexorably worse. Also, having things be mostly outside or requiring masks does help some. 

Also, definitely, I just need it. I need to affirm that even the unemployed fat woman (strong indicators of worthlessness) gets to have fun sometimes. I hope I am doing it right.

Without knowing how these next three days are going to go, I can tell you about the three days last week: the combined effect of the two concerts was to make me very sad.

I am sure part of it was the loneliness. Everywhere I looked there were couples and parents with children and groups of friends and extended family units, and I am always alone. If I waited to find people to come along, I would never do anything, but at times there are still pangs.

The other thing that I have found is that I just don't smile as much. It doesn't come as easily.

That makes perfect sense. I have been through some stuff. I am still going through some stuff. But I remember there were times when I was more cheerful, and bouncier, and it was unconstrained. Being around someone who knew me then reminded me of the loss.

And then, I accepted it, because yes, I have been through some stuff; this is a reasonable reaction, if still kind of sad.

Then, I think the reason it was so important to go see more of Washington Park was just to remind myself that I can. Even though I am overtired and my blood sugar is sometimes unpredictable, I can still exert myself, and conquer rough terrain, even if it takes more planning for water and breaks and things.

It's been a big frustration; if I must be built like a Clydesdale then I should be allowed to have the stamina! By appearance I have no right to be delicate. I am somewhere in between.

(And possibly my tendency to push myself unwisely in the past relates to some current troubles.)

Other things have been going on too, and I will get to those, but first I need to get a little further away.