Please excuse Gina for not writing Friday...

... she was not feeling well.

That's been coming on for a while. Ironically, I had been feeling very optimistic when I wrote this:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/06/episode-2555-new-hope.html

I guess the thing to remember when it feels like you are making progress is how quickly that progress can be lost.

Technically the issue that sent me backwards started around June 15th, where my mother started having some health issues that also seemed to indicate some communication issues with her facility. That was stressful, but seemed manageable.

It got a whole lot worse, culminating in a hospital transport on July 4th, with a stay of a few days, and two more transports after getting released from that. 

Things are okay now, though it does feel like there are some steps downward. Obviously, all along it was very stressful.

Somewhere along the way, I started developing this tightness.

I mean, I kind of always have this knot in my neck that I live with, but it started sending lines down along my shoulder and collarbone. Moving it definitely hurt (especially overhead), but sometimes standing still could hurt too.

Like the frustration was not already enough to make me cry.

Of course it was my right shoulder, attached to my dominant hand that I use for everything.

I'd had a similar issue before, and what it needed was a massage and then follow up with stretching. I can be very functional, though I was not exactly proving it.

I dragged my feet on getting a massage. 

Money was a concern, as always, but the almost paralyzing concern was scheduling: that I would have to take time off, and then not be able to get time off. Yes, I have hours available, but getting them approved for the time that aligns with someone else's schedule is not guaranteed, especially in summer when there are so many vacations scheduled. 

Combined with that was the fear that if I took time something would fall through, requiring a different time, or that something else and worse would happen that would require time, and I would have already used it.

There was also quite a bit of frustration about things that I was not getting done. There is a lot that I still need to do and haven't.

But I was in so much pain.

Beyond that, there was this... tiredness does not seem like the right word; I am always tired. There was this downward pull. Keeping my head up was hard. I just wanted to bend it, down to my chest, or fall forward onto the bed. 

I was able to schedule a massage for a day off, and the worst of it is gone. It would not be reasonable to expect this to be gone in one session. I don't know that I can manage scheduling others, but I can still stretch.

The pull downward is still there. I do not feel quite as drained as I did the week starting July 4th, but I don't have a lot to give.

I am doing something bold, and taking off my two available days. I may regret this, but it also may keep me from screaming at someone over the phone. I mean, you can't always know.

When Mom first went into the hospital, we had a fun day planned, and we did not do those things. That was not a restful holiday.

Saturday, she was back at her facility, and we thought great! We can do at least one of the things we meant to on the 4th. That was our trip to the clematis garden.

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2023/07/rogerson-clematis-garden.html

We did that and it felt really good, and then, well Sunday kind of sucked. That's life.

I don't think my feelings from that dream was completely wrong, either. There are things I can handle better now. I have grown and progressed.

That just doesn't mean that the next thing to go horribly, horribly, wrong won't feel like it is going to kill you.