Exploring my sexual orientation

Don't get too excited; I'm still straight. I do still have some thoughts.

Part of that has been wondering how much was social conditioning.

I know that I started experiencing sexual attraction when I was a senior in high school. There was a definite flip of a switch.

Before that I'd had crushes, but even before that, I was always interested in boys.

When I was three, I got engaged to the boy next door. There was a boy at church I thought was cute. I knew other boys but they didn't seem to matter the same way. Why? I don't know. This was attraction, but not sexual; why some and not others?

Getting to those crushes, I definitely had types, but I am not sure where they came from. I was capable of being persuaded.

For example, in junior high I liked baby-faced basketball players. I was never attracted on my own to short guys, but I was talked into it, at least once. If other people say someone is good-looking, it must mean something, right?

Then, in college when I fell in love with someone, anyone who reminded me of him caught my attention. 

There was still a pretty specific height range (about 6'2" to 6'4"), but not quite as lean (more football player than basketball), dark hair and piercing eyes. 

The last time I fell in love, it did change my type again. Still tall, but less dramatic hair, a beard (but not a long bushy one) and usually wearing a beanie. Well, you can imagine how often I see that in Portland. It does catch my attention, though I take it in stride more than I did in my early 20s.

I skipped a step. 

I did fall in love in high school. Until writing this, I did not remember it changing the type of guy I was attracted to. I was thinking maybe there was no one else like him, but then I remembered a guy in a commercial, and another one in a movie. Yes, I was noticing similarities. The only real effect was that I have always wished Elias Koteas well in his career. (But it was really just the hair that was the same, and Elias Koteas did not keep the hair.)

Here's the thing that was really important; each of those three times, it was love at first sight. It resulted in attraction, but was more like a recognition.

That's how attraction works for me. As indicated, I can talk myself into an attraction, and have, but I have always regretted it. 

Most importantly, while I cannot necessarily say that they had the same reaction to me, we were mutually drawn together. The more I got to know them, the more I liked them. We wanted to spend more time with each other. Whatever that pull I felt was, it made sense for me to listen to it.

Unfortunately, I was so sure that they would get tired of me that I tried to limit that time, even though there was nothing I wanted more than more time. 

There are two things with that.

First of all, any healing that you can do makes everything else better. I realize lots of people enter relationships loaded down with emotional baggage -- it happens -- but my particular combination of dysfunction was not well-designed for that.

Secondly, having tried various things that did not work for me, I don't have any interest in replaying that. Thinking about online dating or any other type of effort just sounds awful.

If I were to feel that pull again or could reunite with one of my previous loves, that would be a different story, but I'm not looking.

That being said, I do feel good knowing. My examined life is worth living, and I have learned from it.

And, if there is something that is weird about you, or seem impractical or ridiculous, but is actually what specifically works for you, honor that.